things happening.

this month he turns 11 months, which is so close to a year that it baffles me. does anyone else feel like he should be around 6 months by now? that cliche thing people say about it going too fast is so true. (except when he's fighting me putting him down for a nap-- i could stand for that to go a little faster...)

the first week in may he laughed so hard that he (happy) cried for the first time, and it felt important enough to write about so i can remember. he's a serious baby for the most part, but he's also incredibly ticklish. poor little guy. he gets that from both of his parents.

he's started standing for a second or two at a time without any help. it stresses me out.

i told myself i'd pump for a year, but i feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails. i simultaneously am determined to stick it out, and desperate to give up. how long did you pump? is it worth it? will someone give me permission to give up, or motivate me to continue? i'm producing 2 ounces a day which feels insignificant and pathetic, and well within my rights to quit. also, i hate pumping.

this is his "hey girl" wave.
i'm obsessed.

we cut his hair. did i tell you guys about that? we did, and a part of me is devastated. how could i let someone cut those magnificent wispy, fine locks? and how can a haircut make a baby look like so much less like a baby, and so much more like a toddler?!

guys, i have bruises all over my body. my arms, my cheeks, my shoulder. he bites like a baby siberian husky, and i struggle with how to discipline him. when i sharply tell him not to bite me, he giggles, coos, and then snuggles with me. when teddy bit me at church, this guy looked at me like i was the biggest pushover mamma in the world and muttered, "are you going to do anything?" i didn't know how to respond, so i sheepishly smiled and shrugged. i'm not going to smack my baby for using me as a teether. i spent the next 15 minutes alternating thinking about jesus and hoping the guy has a brick fall on his head at some point in his life. it's a balance.

the other week a woman at the store looked at him and knowingly said, "let me guess, 18 months?" when i responded by saying "haha, he's 10 months," she just said "woah" and walked off. people are funny.

i've taken a step back from writing the past few weeks because honesty is exhausting me. sometimes i don't realize how i've been feeling until i see the words i'm typing, and then i wonder if i'm over-sharing, or if it's a bad idea for me to be so vulnerable on a social platform. i imagine that everyone who visits my site rolls their eyes and thinks cruel things, and it makes me feel like i should delete everything, hide in my covers, change my identity, and start my life over as a beautiful, super thin, happy person; too confident, attractive, and self assured to be hurt by anyone else's opinions. and then i remind myself that people who troll the internet are miserable and unkind because of things that have happened to them, and spend their time actively trying to make others feel bad, and i shouldn't worry about what they think.

and then i try to pump myself up, insisting that i'm confident, attractive, and self assured.

and then i eat brownies because even though i shouldn't, i can, and they are delicious.

i hope your june is starting off beautifully. xo