this year i want to:

1. learn how to make the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. because it's something i've felt insecure about since college, and i feel like i've gotta figure it out before i turn thirty.

2. take a RAD class. i've been wanting to do this for years.
2016, we're going to make it happen!*

3. watch casablanca. because i've owned it for 10 years and it feels important. (similar to the grilled cheese situation)*

4. take teddy to the beach. because he loves bath time more than anything, and i can't wait to show him more water.

5. go on a really fancy date with gid. because we always talk about how we need to be better about dating.

6. try an ariel yoga class. because my best friend has been posting pictures of herself doing it, and it looks really exciting.*

7. go to a hot spring. because i've lived in utah and idaho for a decade and have never done it.*

8.  do something that scares me. (i already know what the thing is, i'm just afraid to make it public right now. i promise it's not as dramatic as i'm making it sound.)

9. take some modern dance classes. because i need it.*

10. try eyelash extensions.  because i'm curious and vain.

11. take a videography and photography workshop/class. because i can do better.*

one time goals, people!
*friends who want to join are welcome!!

happy sunday. xo

motherhood is:

motherhood is putting leggings on backwards accidentally in the morning and wearing them that way all day, not caring at all.
motherhood is finding tiny socks in your bed, your bag, and your furniture but never on your baby's foot.
motherhood is a little person poking your eyes out and you not poking his out to teach him a lesson.
motherhood is getting butterflies watching your husband play with your 7 month old.
motherhood is finally getting your baby down for a nap and then on the way to his crib stepping on a squeaky toy and him waking up again.
motherhood is a four inch scar along your abdomen being worth having a healthy baby even if it bums you out some days.
motherhood is being serious about murdering anyone who wakes up your baby in the middle of his nap. (i'm lookin' at you, random neighbor who dumps glass bottles into the dumpster at 2 in the morning...)
motherhood is eating popcorn and powerade and calling it lunch.
motherhood is getting freakishly good at picking things up with one foot.
motherhood is promising your baby he can have whatever he wants if he breastfeeds for 5 minutes.
motherhood is bringing your crying baby into bed with you at 4 in the morning, and letting him pat your face and twirl your hair because it's the only thing that will keep him quiet.
motherhood is looking at your baby and wondering if he's going to be okay.
motherhood is seeing a $50 toy that is supposed to help with sleep patterns and thinking "i'll take one in every color please."
motherhood is crying over spilt (breast)milk.
motherhood is thousands of kisses in a day.
motherhood is reading every parenting article (legit or not) with a compelling title.
motherhood is hair being yanked out or dripping in drool. or both. yes, usually both.
motherhood is changing a poopy diaper and crap getting all over you because your baby is experimenting with river dance techniques.

motherhood is never wanting another baby. ever.
and motherhood is wanting another baby. soon.
xo

i miss college. or, wait a minute- no i don't.

i've been looking at christmas cards, thinking about my best friends from college, and it's making me nostalgic.

one roommate and i face timed the other day, laughing about ex boyfriends, old roommates, and memories from when we lived together at university. the way she remembered things made me sound so confident and popular, like i had a date every weekend (which wasn't true, trust me. i remember one semester crying myself to sleep because i was convinced i'd never find anyone who would love me. it's nice to be remembered in rose colored lights.)

college was so fun for me. i was so involved, not only with the dance company, but with russian club, my roommates, and my neighbors. and my classmates! and my classmates' neighbors! it's crazy how we always managed to stay busy. we were always going somewhere. a play. a concert. the sand dunes. bonfires.

and when dating did happen, it was crazy fun. the anticipation after you'd been asked out- getting ready- (which meant brittany telling me to go change my outfit to something cuter like 6 times)- coming home, getting into pjs and giggling about the details of your evening with roommates over ice cream. dating was the shiz.

and as brit and i were reminiscing the other night, partly longing for those days to return, there was a bigger part of us that was so relieved that it was over.

i've decided that life gets harder but it also gets better.

i remember when i thought the hardest thing i'd ever do was pre-cal in high school. (math got worse in college.) or when i thought the worst semester i'd ever have was when i broke up with a boy and his roommate said mean things to me the next sunday in church in front of everyone. or when we were newlyweds with opposite schedules and wouldn't see each other until bedtime. or grad school. man, grad school was hard. or being sleep deprived with a newborn (...or a seven month old...)

i wonder what the next hard thing will be. i don't worry about school so much these days. i worry about teddy growing up to be a kind person who knows how to make smart choices. and i worry about not letting my identity get swept away by the whirlwind that is motherhood. that one keeps me up at night.

life gets harder. but it gets better.

the best times of my college life aren't as good as the worst parts of my mamma life right now.
i'd rather stay up all night with teddy than go on dates to jamba juice with a guy i met at the gym whose favorite pastime is watching "family guy". teddy is my date now. no, wait- gid is my date. teddy is the most adorable third wheel to our date. maybe someday we'll have an eighteen wheeler. joking. life in college was fun. life now is everything.

...but i'd be okay with having a sleepover once in a while with my old roommates and staying up talking about boys (and traveling, grad school, shopping, politics and horoscopes...etc).
i mean. if we had to. xo

weekend wishlist

last weekend we had a wedding to attend four hours away, and this weekend we're heading up for the reception 5 hours away.

and after that we're never leaving town again.

except i've been wanting to visit slc. and i just remembered we have a trip in a few months to the beach. and now i'm thinking if i stay in one place too long i'll lose my mind even if it means teddy not ever having a sleep schedule.

sigh. here are some things i've got my eye on this week, guys:

this rocking chair. because look at it! is it overkill to have two baby rockers??
(if you're in the SLC area, head over to babinskis for this beauty! i can't stop staring at it!!)

these sweet simple little bows (in case i ever get a girl...) how sweet are they?!

this cozy knit hat. because teddy's little ears get cold these days.

this quilted blanket. because i have a problem and buy every blanket i see.

these fox socks. because are you kidding me.
(also in a reddish brown!!)

these sweet shoes. because teddy has grown out of his little hiking boots and this company makes the sweetest little mocs.


i hope you guys are having a sweet weekend.
thanks so much for stopping by.
xo

things i don't want to forget.

teddy is on his last winter sweater diaper, and for some reason that makes me nostalgic.

these prints won't be available to buy next christmas.

and it's dumb to feel like he's getting big, because he's so obviously tiny still.

but it feels like he's getting big. there, i said it. i've turned into my own eye rolling material.

doesn't his hair look reddish here? where'd that come from??

the bad news keeps coming- he's grown out of my favorite of his christmas outfits.

so this is probably the last time he'll wear this outfit too.

slow down, sweetheart. i'm begging you.

happy friday. xo

maybe we should move to ireland and other things....

i didn't realize what a sweet deal we had with our slc apartment. the cost to heat our loft is 1/3 of what our entire rent was in slc. it makes me feel sick. also- we just watched an episode of house hunters international and this couple found a gorgeous 4 bedroom house in the heart of the city for $700 per month in ireland. soooo maybe we should move to ireland. sigh.

teddy is scooting around the apartment. it's happening and i can't stop it. i'm so thrilled that he's growing up and then in the same instant i feel like little moments like this are slipping away faster than i can record them. motherhood is such a roller coaster. ("why aren't you rolling over? other babies your age are rolling, is everything okay?! no! i take it back, don't roll over, it's cool how you stay put. ...WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING?!")

a few nights ago i had a dream that i won the lottery and it made me daydream about how i would spend millions of dollars for the next two days. then i was like, "oh yeah, we're normal people with normal bank accounts. right. okay, i'm back." 

sigh. the person that i want to be does not care about money. but the person that i am right now would just be super excited to win a billion freakin dollars.

my brother in law got married the day before yesterday and it made me fall in love with gideon all over again, even though the day we got married was stressful, scary, and not at all the beautiful fairy tale my friends seem to describe. does anyone else want a do-over? (to the same person, of course..) i got married before pinterest and BHLDN. somedays i feel a little robbed, and get determined to throw an epic party for our 10 year anniversary.

instagram confuses me still. why do i keep getting followed by accounts that are obviously not real? (they have zero posts and follow thousands of people) what is that? i want to be good at it, but social media is so weird. it's a miracle i'm even on instagram. i had a twitter account for like 2 seconds and then was like NOPE. what is snapchat? i feel like my grandma.

it's monday which normally i don't like, but this monday gid is off work, so i'm really excited (even though he'll probably just take a nap all day). xo

teddy's teddy.

ten things i haven't been able to do that i thought i'd be able to do as a new mom

1. finish "yes please" by amy poheler. guys. i started this book in may of last year, and i try to read during nap time in the afternoons, and on road trips. i'm almost half done. i read "bossypants" in six hours pre-teddy. how do people go to college (or grad school!!) with children??

2. flush without hesitating. it seems like the only time i get to use the restroom is when teddy is sleeping, and i always just shut the lid in fear of waking him. i need to be careful, though. i was in the airport the other day and almost didn't flush out of habit...

3. make my bed. wash my hair. lets just say "clean" to keep the list from going out of control.

4. nurse. this one makes me so sad still. the other morning i tried to nurse teddy and he looked at me like it was a funny joke.

5. drive without being a paranoid nutcase. when i see anything in my peripheral in the parking lot, i'm always convinced it's a stroller with a baby in it, and i slam on the breaks. usually it's nothing.

6. find fulfillment on a regular basis. i feel awful admitting this. but there are a lot of days that i'm like, "this is not as sweet as the baby tylenol commercials told me it would be..." and then teddy starts mimicking noises i make and i'm all like, "look at my cute baby and he's a genius and so darling and no baby will ever compare..."

7. take teddy on daily runs on the greenbelt (hahahahahahahahaha)

8. date gid (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

9. successfully plan and prepare meals. seriously, how do you mammas do it? when i visit my sister, every meal looks like a foodie's vacation home in the hamptons (she uses pretty serve wear and pitchers! ain't nobody got time for that!!) i'm lucky if i throw a few ingredients in the crock pot and they're done by dinner time.



10. let teddy out of my sight with someone other than gid without getting antsy. i had a 20 minute dentist appointment last week and i was going nuts, you guys. ("can you guys polish any faster?? my baby is at home...")

there's more. but these were the first ten things that came to mind.
tonight is girls night. tomorrow is friday. i can do this.
xo

on unmade beds.

distantly, i remember a time when i used to be so good at keeping my bed made. keeping my home tidy. people who visited would even comment on it. those pre-teddy days. man, they were so gloriously tidy.

no more.

now it seems there's always something out of place. i'm surrounded by burp cloths, swaddles, wonderfully lumpy pillows, and beautiful, soft toys that make me (and teddy) smile. my breast pump is always at arms reach and out in the open. it's not pretty to look at. (do they make designer breast pumps that look like chic decor? that would make money, people!)


most of the time i don't mind having a house that isn't spotless, but sometimes when i look at my bed and see that it hasn't been made yet again, and it's the late afternoon, and in just a few hours we'll be climbing back into it-- for some reason it makes me cringe.

which is silly. last night's diaper is worthy of a cringe. an unmade bed is not.



i was thinking about how comfy our bed is. how much teddy loves cuddling in it. how with the feather topper below us and the feather duvet above us, and pillows everywhere it feels like we're sleeping on a cloud. it's a lovely bed. it held me on sleepless nights while i was pregnant with teddy. it carried us after we brought him home from the hospital and when i was recovering from my c section. we've had it since we were married; it's been through a lot.

it remains incredibly cozy, even though some days it goes unmade.

and i guess as long as teddy has snuggly memories of cuddling, tickling, nursing, sleeping and drooling on our soft, white, lumpy bed that's okay with me.
xo

teddy's swaddle

weekend wishlist

i have a cold, and i'm tired, and these are some things that make me feel warm and cozy right now.

this sweet little wooden toy camera. because we need to start teddy early.

this humidifier. because the air in our apartment has no moisture and poor teddy's cheeks are always dry.

this towel and washcloth set. because it looks so clean and warm.

this happy camper t shirt. because i convince myself if that if buy something that says "happy camper"on, it will in fact make me a happy camper...

this little hedgehog night light. because i'd rather have a soft glow right now than a bright light.

these white pajamas. because i'm sick, and i really just want to go to sleep until next thursday.

hope you guys are having a healthy weekend.

xo

a follow up post.

remember when i wrote this post in total stream of conscious and gave three really vague resolutions? me too. the lack of specifics bugged me. this post is a follow up meant to help me clarify goals, and keep me more accountable. 

i've added three specific strategies to each of my three umbrella goals. because i want to be realistic, i'm going to try these things for this month. one month! less than a month, because it's already the 5th! how hard could that be? in february i get to choose whether or not i think it's realistic to continue.

what do you think, friends? fair? or am i being too easy on myself? here are my clarifications:

this year i want to be more present

-limit screen time in the mornings and evenings. none before gid leaves for work, and none after 9:30pm. (is it just me, or does using the term "screen time" make me sound like i'm trying to parent myself? next thing you know i'll have a sticker chart for drinking enough water and pumping enough milk.)

-tryyyy to only use my cell phone for calling and texting, and avoid holding it and using it to keep busy. when i was in grad school, everyone on the campus shuttle had their phone out (including me). i catch myself walking around my apartment with it. sometimes while gid and i are talking i'm sneaking peeks at it. let's see if i can use the ipad for instagram posting, and leave texting and calling to my phone.

-speaking of using your phone for calling and texting- i'm going to try to keep in touch better with friends and especially family. aiming for 1 call a week to my mom and sister, and shooting a text every few weeks to my (harder to stay in touch with) brothers.

this year i want to remember

-take more photographs and video. don't be embarrassed whipping out your camera and keeping it with you. it's fine.

-make an effort to be consistent with blogging. this one is tricky, because i want to be more present too, right? aiming to find a balance between writing and being with my boys. tips and tricks?

-plan one outing every month. a trip to the zoo. a visit to a museum. this sounds so easy, and yet as i type, i'm rolling my eyes because i know it's going to be a crazy challenge. lately we've been really into staying at home, watching house hunters and ordering chic fil a. we can do better.

this year i want to really try

-research and find courses to help better my photography and videography skills. also look into well written memoirs. the more i read, the better i write. (suggestions always welcome.) 

-make an effort to fade out the chatter in the back of my head that says horrible things about the way that i look, the things that i do, and the person that i am. start a gratitude journal. i'm starting by writing one thing a day (maybe even just one word) because that sounds doable to me.

-make to do lists every day. small things. like planning a meal, sending a text to a friend, or organizing that cupboard that i can't reach and have no idea what's in it. easy things like that. but every day. to keep me moving.

------------------------------------------------------

what do you think guys? is this realistic? would you do it?
now i'm all pumped.
xo

6 months.

these days he doesn't breastfeed often, but when he does he's a little piranha baby. it's so painful, and i'm pretty sure he thinks its funny. sigh. i can't stay mad at him.

his naps are shorter, and his bottles are fuller. there's no way my milk production could keep up with his appetite at this point. we started him on baby food. the way he's working the spoon, i should've started him at four months.

his favorite thing lately is blowing bubbles. and his dad. always his dad. i love how much he adores gid.

he's officially out of the sizes from the "baby boy" section at gap. it bums me out. i'm buying 12 month and older.

he's a champion at rolling from his tummy to his back, but i've only seen him roll from his back to his tummy a couple of times. stingy boy. i know i don't need to worry about it, but i see videos of my friends' 2 month old babies rolling all over the place and i sometimes catch myself being like, "uhhhh, hey teddy- here's a cool toy- can you roll for mamma?" (what am i even thinking- he's nice and quiet and stays put, alyssa- count your blessings and do stuff while you still can!)

he's super ticklish. i love it.

his poo poo is getting less cute, and more sticky. it's crazy how fast babies can change, right?

my arms and back are sore all the time. he's getting to be so heavy. i have a friend whose 9 month old weighs 15 pounds and i'm a little bit jealous that her baby is little for longer. the last time i checked teddy weighed 20 pounds and that was two months ago. his long little legs hang over the side of my waist when i hold him.

those eyes tho. that belly tho. i'm so in love with him.

he's started resting his head on my shoulder. it makes me melt.

happy six months, my little sweetheart.

xo

(teddy's outfit)

peace of mind with owlet.

being a mamma has always intimidated me. when teddy was a newborn i worried about him gaining enough weight. when we brought him home i worried about him being exposed to germs and getting sick before he got his vaccinations. i knew i'd be a little crazy, and as a first time mamma i'm allowed, right? what i didn't anticipate was the anxiety i'd get while teddy slept.

a lot of the time he snored (sweet, right?), but too often in the middle of the night, teddy would gasp loudly and then there would be silence. i didn't even consider being careful (having just had a c section); i threw off the covers, ran to his crib, and put my face inches from his until i was positive he was breathing. most of the time i woke him up. it kept happening, and even though i knew that he was almost definitely fine, i couldn't keep myself from getting up to be sure. sids is no joke, and it only takes one horrible incident to change your world forever.

owlet is a sock that tracks your baby's heart rate and oxygen levels with pulse oximetry. there are three different sizes for your growing sweetheart, and you can track it from your iphone/ipad. it also has a base station that is designed to notify you if the heart rate and oxygen fall outside of range (in addition to the app on your smart device).

guys, this was a game changer for me in the peace-of-mind department. i slept harder when teddy wore the sock at night, and could just glance at the base station on my nightstand to know his heart rate and oxygen were in range. during the day when he napped, i could check how he was doing from my phone instead of going into the room and possibly waking him up.

i was introduced to the owlet when teddy was around four months old, and even though i love it at this age, all i can think about is how especially nice it would have been to have this peace of mind when he was a newborn, and i was recovering from the delivery. i'm already excited about the extra sleep i'll get with our next baby because of it (c section or not).

i've had conversations with several mamma friends about needing a product like this, which is one of the reasons i leapt at the opportunity to write about it. when i was pregnant, i looked into getting a video monitor for teddy and then read all sorts of articles about creepy hackers who can gain access into the video device and observe babies (and mothers!) throughout the day. the thought of it made me sick. audio monitors only gave me information on the noise teddy was making, not on whether he was okay or not. owlet gives me the information i need without making me feel vulnerable or exposed.

it's a keeper, guys. i wouldn't write about it if it wasn't.

 a little peek into our lives using the smart sock:

and if you're interested, here's a follow up post i wrote 6 months after we began using owlet. i address some of the most common questions we've gotten about having the smart sock in our home. 

-----------------------------

thanks so much for stopping by, mammas.

xo

this post brought to you by owlet.

new years resolutions, or i'm ready to be better

deep exhale. 

we're home. there was this crazy freak blizzard in my hometown, and there were no flights coming in or out for an extra week, and we were all stuck inside (watching classic christmas movies and mission impossible 4 on repeat so why am i even complaining) and it felt long since teddy and i had already been there over two weeks, and he wasn't sleeping well (who am i kidding-- he doesn't sleep well anywhere these days) and i really just missed our routine, and our stuff, and 

deep exhale. 

we're home.

isn't teddy a dream boat baby?

i really wanted to have a thoughtful new years resolution list finished by now. some people think new years resolutions are stupid. well. i think those people are stupid. i love the tradition of making goals that i'll almost definitely screw up before valentines day. it makes me feel alive. the past five years at least i've made the resolution to learn to be patient enough to not let hot pizza burn my mouth.

hot pizza is just too delicious for me to get that one.

i haven't really thought too specifically about resolutions this year, but new years day is over and i'm already typing this post, and the beautiful hot shower is calling to me longingly after a crazy day of traveling and airports and walking, and not knowing exactly whose smells i'm smelling, so i'm going to type the basic gist of what i was hoping my resolutions would sort of be like:

this year i want to be more present. 

i want to take note of this point in my life and try to appreciate it for what it is. even the sucky days. especially the sucky days. because the sucky days are just part of being a human with feelings, and being a mamma is what i wanted more than anything (right, alyssa?!), and if i choose to be graceful despite feeling sucky, it will mean twice as much. also, suckiness is in the eye of the beholder. what i find sucky is someone else's dream life. i guess what i'm saying is i need to whine less, appreciate more, and note often.

this year i want to remember.

i want to take more pictures. write more. purposefully plan activities and outings for us. for me. i want to make more of an effort to make memories. i always think i take too many pictures. i don't take nearly enough. i want to be able to remember, look back and have something to look at. photographs. videos. traveling. even if it's only to the river and back. (that's way better than watching the bachelor all winter, right? ps- bachelor is coming back and i'm kinda exciiittteeeed. hashtag reality tv makes me feel good about myself...)

this year i want to really try. 

i'm good at pretending. i've always had an imagination, and my junior high theatre teacher told me i really had it in me to be a good actress (the fact that i remember that proves i took it WAY too much to heart). i'm good at making beautiful dreams and pretending that i'm skipping down the yellow brick road towards them. and then i make detours. and bathroom stops. and i take a nap or two. and i do some online shopping. and sometimes i get close to the dream or goal that i had, but it's a less sparkling imitation of what i meant to be. even though i could've done it. i could've been really sparkly, you guys.

i saw this today and it made me laugh out loud because it's soo true for me. (sorry mom.)but this resolution of mine --"really trying"-- it isn't about me giving up ice cream forever, or promising to become a marathon runner in 12 months. it's not extreme. it's me giving myself credit for what i know i can do. and if i give myself credit, maybe i'll allow others to as well.

what i'm trying to say is that i'm ready. i'm ready to commit to beautiful realistic goals. if i don't succeed it's okay. really, it is! as long as i can look myself in the mirror and know that i tried for real. no potty breaks this time, alyssa. (okay, maybe a literal potty break once in a while, for the sake of health.) i'm ready to commit to who i know i can be. it could mean being a better wife. a better mother to my teddy. a more serious artist. a more thoughtful writer. it could mean so many things. i'm not even sure what it means to me right now, since i'm stream of conscious writing. (all of a sudden this post feels like a really bad idea.)

i just know i'm ready to be better.

well. that's three things. three big things. is three too small of a number for resolutions? maybe i'll write a more detailed, specific list- so i can hold myself more accountable. but for tonight- this has to be enough. my shower needs me.

happy new year, 
treasured friends.
xo


ps- what are your resolutions, guys? will anyone comment? what if i offer you a million dollars? then will you comment?

i don't have a million dollars.
so maybe don't worry about commenting...
pss- i'm so happy to be home.