lately.

before we went to DC, there was a day last week that teddy refused to sleep (zero minutes- he normally takes two naps!), and i ended up being the one who had a meltdown. i didn't realize how important that nap time is for me to recharge. when gid finally got home, i raged about what an incompetent mother i was, and asked why wouldn't teddy sleep when he was so obviously exhausted, and begged him for me to please go to work in his place tomorrow, and please please could he go get some food for us because remember how i'm incompetent?

gid, ever calm and centered somehow managed to settle teddy down, and in what i swear was less than a minute, had him snoring happily- which should've made me coo in adoration, but in reality just pissed me off. after he put teddy in his crib, gid sat down with me, and encouraged me to tell him about the good things that happened that day.

you know what's the worst? having an optimistic sweet husband when all you want is to watch the world burn.

my incision has been bothering me again, and i'm guessing it's because teddy is in this stage where he loves to kick, and trample right on my abdomen. a few nights ago i had a horrible dream that it ripped open, and woke up with my heart pounding, and my scar pulsing. i still can't believe it happened. i can't believe i had a c section. (ps- i had a doctor look at it, and everything looks normal.) 

i started teaching last week at bsu, and am equal parts thrilled and petrified. i want so badly to be excellent, and i felt like i just could've been better. in the middle of prepping some combinations, one of my students wrote me an email thanking me for class and saying that she's so excited, and for a second i remembered how teaching can be so fulfilling instead of just being an anxiety-fest.

i gave up on lost, and a mere week later, like a dog returning to it's vomit- went back to finish it. it was excellent. i loved the way it ended, even though not everything was resolved, and that stupid time travel section drove me crazy.

annnnnnnd now i've watched the first season of stranger things, and i have feelings about that now. like i really want to have telekinesis powers.

the house is coming together slowly, and i'm falling in love with every last inch of it. these bathroom floors are making me so happy tonight.
xo

lately. (and giveaway winner announced!)

teddy's been throwing everything into the trash, and wherever else he can find. it's equal parts annoying and sweet. i found a truck in my pots and pans the other day and almost wanted to take a picture. if someone told me five years ago finding a truck in their pots and pans was cute, i'd have felt sorry for them.

last week after i wrote this post and was feeling hopeless, i turned on some stevie wonder, started making spaghetti and teddy was dancing in the kitchen making bear growls, and gid was hiding around the corner peeking his head out from behind one of my sun hats which was making teddy laugh hysterically, and for a second i felt like a really lucky person instead of a really pathetic person.

golden moments like that make the dark ones seem less devastating.

he's been fighting me more on going to sleep lately. a few nights ago while i rocked him, he cooed, and chuckled, and whispered mama and dada, which exasperated me. it was 10 pm, people. i'd shush him and he'd respond with a giggling growl, and a string of words that i think translated loosely into something about planes, puppies, and wanting a treat. defeated, i let myself laugh, which made him laugh, and he finally closed his eyes, sat up, smiled with his eyes still closed, reached for the his pacifier (eyes still closed), and slumped down on my shoulder in a deep snore. it was one of my favorite moments as a mom. some days are better than others, but even on the crap ones- i love him, i love him, i love him.

and one more thing- the day before i started my new teaching job, i found all of my good bobby pins. if that doesn't prove there's a god, i'm not sure what does.

happy tuesday, friends.
xo

ps- i'm so excited to announce that the winner of the margaux and may swaddle set giveaway is lauren morrison! these giveaways make me so happy. i hope you know that i notice all of you who enter. i wish i could give everyone a prize.

pss- i couldn't help myself, so i'm sending a second winner one swaddle as well. this will go to mary bush. congratulations! keep an eye out for another giveaway coming up soon!

lauren and mary, i'll contact you via instagram, and we'll get you set up with your swaddles!

babes in bloom.

guys, i went to a party a couple of days ago, and it was a big deal for me because anxiety. i haven't been to a dance since i was a teen, and generally speaking, i do better in small groups. i may or may not have changed three times, and given myself a major pep talk before.


^^ this girl!! killing me with her cuteness!

i did a little videography for the party thrower extraordinaire (my main reason for coming- this girl is infectious). can you believe these backdrops? all handmade. we were all so blown away by her vision coming to life. talent!

^^prom date picture that i'll show my children, and my children's children, ha!

girls only.

big flowers everywhere.

soda and pastry bar.

photo wall.

and dj drops all night.

(did i say that last part right?)

about 1.5 hours into the evening, i started feeling uneasy, and little whispers in the back of my mind reminded me that teddy has a cold, i had a meeting in the morning, and i wanted to have nice memories of doing silly moves with old friends, instead of memories of feeling obligated to stay out later than i wanted to (when no one really cares what time i go to bed).

so i took off around 10:30, and was in bed by 11.
i know it doesn't sound glamourous, but it felt awesome.

i'm glad i went.

and just so you know, there's more of these parties in the future. keep an ear out- i'll be sure to announce them to you brave extroverts who are made for this kinda stuff!
(and maybe you anxious introverts can give it a try too, ha.)

thanks so much for the fun night, paige! (and babes who i ran into!!)
i'll keep you guys posted when the video i made is live.
xo

photographs by studio boise

drained.

this picture sums up how i'm feeling lately.
i can't even tell you how over teething i am. 

i've been drained the past few days, and i really have no good excuse, other than i'm just off.

but how long do you get to be "off," before you're just kind of a bummer to be around? i'm pretty sure i suck to hang out with right now. (even if i'm just by myself.) it's nice that teddy doesn't mind playing by himself one bit.

the other day i was researching how much tickets to different places around the world cost, and 30 minutes, two bowls of ice cream, and one meltdown from teddy later, i was convinced i'm never traveling again, and why didn't i visit places around the world when i was good looking and single, and why is motherhood so hard, and why do people even have children, and why on earth do i want another baby ever?

also, i feel old. which is so dumb, since i obviously don't look a day older than 25. (if you want to confirm that in the comment section, i wouldn't be annoyed at you.)

i'm so talented at falling into slumps, and convincing myself that my life is terrible and hard, when i know realistically, that my life is healthy and normal, and i need to shut up and send all the thank you's i have in me to the universe.

we're remodeling our house, and it's expensive, and for the first time in a long time, i'm a little stressed about money. not "how are we going to eat this week" stressed, but "crap, i don't think i should go to target ever again" stressed. hugo in lost won the whole friggin lottery, and it only brought him bad luck, so i'm using that picture in my head to discourage daydreams of winning millions of dollars and never worrying about things having to do with money ever again.

teddy is getting so big. i know he must be a normal amount of handsome, and my mamma eyes have too many hearts in them for me to see him the way the rest of the world does, but i think he's crazy beautiful. is this how my mom felt about me? was i ever this darling?

it's wednesday, guys. we can do it.
thanks for listening to my ramblings.
xo

a giveaway with margaux and may!

okay people- it's wednesday, and teddy finally went down for a nap,
so let's celebrate with a GIVEAWAY!!!

margaux and may's blue fern swaddle ^^

i'll be the first to admit that i buy too many baby blankets, but they're soft, and cute, and i can't help myself, so this week we're giving a set away! ( if you win, maybe you'll develop a swaddle addiction like me, and we can talk through it with each other, ha!)

if you spend any time on instagram, i'm sure you've seen margaux and may's darling swaddles making the rounds. we've loved having these cute blankets in our home- they're thin and soft, and keep teddy just the right temperature. (nothing worse than a too warm blanket on a summer night!)

margaux and may's iconic feather swaddle. ^^

easy peasy giveaway- to enter, just leave me a comment below telling me one thing that you accomplished today that you're proud of. let's spread some good, shall we?

{entries double if you follow me and margaux and may on instagram.}

a winner will be sent not one,
but TWO gorgeous margaux and may swaddles!!

best of luck!! i hope you have a good wednesday, friends. xo

___________________


thanks to margaux and may for sponsoring this post.

almost a post.

hey. i haven't written in over a week. you probably didn't notice, but i did. 

i try to write every few days, but the past month, i've been feeling too connected to social media, and not connected enough to my real life, so i decided to step away from writing and posting for a day or two, and that turned into a solid eight days. (in case you were wondering, i still sucked at cleaning and cooking.) i have no idea how real bloggers can do this multiple times a day and juggle regular life.

i started binge watching lost which was a horrible idea. it was a crazy popular show in college that i never got into, but my roommates would talk about nonstop. i know i'm over 10 years late, but i have strong feelings about this show, you guys. (like, for starters- wth, freaky island??! michael- don't talk to me- i'm mad at you; especially for killing libby. hurley, you funny, and you would be my best friend on the island. hey john- don't trust you. never have, never will. BEN! i knew you were bad news, crazy eyes!! sawyer- you're a jerk, but the nicknames you give everyone make it worth it. and if jin is really dead i am so so so mad.) 

i have two seasons left, and i don't want to finish, but i kinda have to.

i know i usually write more, but that's all i have in me for now, you guys. (or maybe you like this mini post better than the ones where i ramble on and on! ha.)

but hey! keep your eyes open for two super rad giveaways coming up. (praise hands emoticon.)
xo

ps- i had to call my pediatrician and poison control today and it's not even noon.
this is not my favorite monday.