what i learned at church today.

it had been a rough day already and we hadn't even gotten out of bed. you know the kind of mornings i'm talking about, right?

sundays are tough for me in general, but this one was bad. we'd all had a tough night. gid is under the weather, teddy's 2 year molars are coming in, and i have a baby living inside of me who makes me vomit in the morning, nauseous during the day, and whose favorite time to kick box is from hours 2 a.m. - 6 am.

my gut told me we should skip church. my gut told me to go to our favorite breakfast cafe and order all the bacon they had available, but i convinced myself to slip on a dress, wipe the sleep from my dry eyes, and wrestle an agile toddler out of his pajamas and into a comfortable simple church outfit.

my belly was feeling heavier than normal as we walked into the chapel (2 minutes early, thank you very much!) and as teddy realized that we wouldn't be going to the room full of toys, he began to softly protest and whimper.

a woman who i've never talked to before sitting in front of us turned around with an eyebrow raised and said with a scoff, "what? how can he already be pouting? we haven't even started yet!"

there were so many things i wanted to say. i wanted to tell her that i'd gotten less than 5 hours of sleep for the past several nights in a row, and i was this close to serial murder status. i wanted to tell her that teddy is teething and shy, and doesn't like being in crowded places surrounded by people he's unfamiliar with. i wanted to ask her what on earth possessed her to think that making an obvious statement about the mood of my toddler was a good idea, when she could've easily just said "hi," or smiled, or literally just kept her head facing forward and done nothing. no, she felt like it would be a good idea to ask me, a young mother she'd never met before how a small teething toddler could already be pouting, while at church. hey lady- have you met a toddler before? what normal toddler likes church? (anyone who writes a comment about their perfect kid who loves church will be blocked indefinitely. get outta here.)

the hormones kicked in, and i went from "ugh sunday" to "someone get me a machete livid" in a millisecond.

i didn't say any of the things that were sitting on the edge of my tongue. i gave her a tired, thin smile, and said, "well, he's a little boy," and then smiled at teddy, completely aware that this strange woman was talking about him, and said gently, "that's just fine, sweetheart. sometimes i don't want to be at church either." the woman turned around irritated, as though my response was the height of rudeness.

any other day, i'd roll my eyes and move on. not today. i had a lump in my throat the rest of the meeting. of course this week was the one where gid plays the organ and we sit alone, and of course anytime teddy made a sound the woman would give side eye and whisper to her husband, and at one point tears just started spilling out of my eyes, not because of what the woman said or thought, but because i was that tired, and i knew we should've gone the non-church bacon route this morning! i knew it!!

i spent the rest of the meeting in my own thoughts, pondering the many, many times i've said something that i thought could be funny, and when it came out of my mouth, i realized it was just rude. i thought about how many times i might've been that person; the one who just really puts a dark cloud on your day for almost no reason without recognizing it. i thought about how skilled people can be at wearing masks, and how you really never know what kind of a morning or day someone's had, and how it's always a good idea to be kind no matter what. i thought about what a champ teddy is for tolerating church meetings and how proud i am of him. i thought about how in the future, i need to follow my heart when it tells me to get bacon instead of going to church. bacon never judges you, or scoffs at your emotional toddler. bacon feeds your toddler and makes him happy. 

always go the bacon route, alyssa.

i'll never forget what today felt like. i'll never forget sitting in a pew, back aching, belly kicking, tears streaming down my face, with a crying toddler begging to go see the room with the cars. i'll never forget how bacon has never sounded more delicious or righteous than it did today. and the next time i see a tired mom with a cranky kid in target, or at the park, or at the airport, or at church, i'll remember how much it means to have someone in your corner on a day when you. have. just. had it.

thumper's mom was so right when she said "if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all."
anyway, that's what i learned at church today.
xo

two years old! (with a video!)

he's two, and i'm just over here drowning in pregnancy hormones thinking how much i love him, and how being a mama is so good and so hard.

hey teddy, if you're reading this i want you to know that i think you're the best kid ever. i love your puppy nuzzles and your scary growls, and how when you trip and fall you jump back up and say, "i'm okay!"

my favorite thing about our old house is hearing your little footsteps. hardwood floors get dusty, and i feel like i'm always mopping, but your little shuffle/gallop/runs make it so worth it.

i love how into reading you are, and how much you love being outside. there's a lot of kids who want to watch moana on repeat right now, but not you. no, you want to get as dirty and sweaty as possible, shove rocks up the rain gutter, and stay outside no matter how hot it is. moana's not bad, you know. you could give her a chance.

i love what a little homebody you are. you were that way when you lived in my tummy too. man, those doctors tried everything to get you out, and you were like, "nah, i'm good. i'll just stay here."

i'm just crazy in love with you, okay buddy? if i could choose out of all of the little boys in the world, you're the one i'd want. happy birthday.

my favorite parts of this (poorly made) video is how concerned teddy looks when he sees that the tractor toy candle is on fire, how relieved he is once it's extinguished, and how he still thinks cake is just okay. he had a tiny pinch of a bite, and then asked me for some sausage from the leftover pizza we had. it's fine- i ate the cake with no problems on my own.

xo

lately.

she's moving constantly. i remember when teddy was around this size getting so worried when i wouldn't feel movement for a few hours. i remember getting lumps in my throat and putting sugary things into my body and then laying down as still as i could, and silently hoping for the tiniest flutter. not this time around. she's always on the move. no sugar rush necessary.

i have that condition where you're sick your entire pregnancy. when i feel myself getting sick, i tell teddy i need to go cough and to give me some privacy, and he waits sadly by the bathroom door anxiously calling out "all done??" until i come out with a forced cheerful reply that i've finished. it's heartbreaking to see him uncomfortable for me. such a protective little bear.

the other day a stranger was telling me how she missed being pregnant; how she felt so feminine and attractive and special and alive and womanly, and i just stared into space, thinking how much i love my babies even though pregnancy, for me, is physically and emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, and how that's okay. i can be miserable, and still be thrilled to be expecting.

on the bad days i try to remind myself of when we wanted to get pregnant so badly the first time around, and i list ways it could be worse. it helps to soften the exhaustion and frustration.

sleep escapes me. i've never been a great sleeper (until around 2 am, when i suddenly get really good at it) but pregnancy really brings out the insomniac in me. it's hard to be motivated to go to sleep at a reasonable hour when my brain is so desperate to be alert during the rare hours of the night that i have just to myself.

lately teddy is on a breakfast meat craze. he's constantly asking for sausage, bacon or pepperoni. i'm half proud ('cause i love meat too, kiddo!), and half nervous for what's coming in his next diaper.

the past few weeks he's been more clingy than usual. he senses there's something coming, and it's making him uneasy. i've been clingier than usual with him too. neither of us are good with change.

xo

ps- girl names are hard.

things i'm grateful for today:

i'm writing this from bed, half typing, half watching teddy drift awake from his nap from the view of his nursery monitor. he's so happy to be home. i've told you what a homebody he is, haven't i? his best, happiest mornings are the ones when we've just come home from out of town the night before. he cheerfully inspects his things that we didn't bring, making sure that all his books and toys are in place. he sporadically runs to me several times during the day, wrapping his arms around my neck and smacking his lips on my cheek. home is his favorite, and it's starting to become mine too. he's turning me into a mama homebody.

my heart has been bursting the past few days. i miss my family so much during the summer months. on our road trip home (when i get my best pondering in) i was thinking how lucky i am to have a family that i miss, and not one that i can't stand.

we came home last night to our creaky old house, and as we walked in, i immediately noticed how much better the kitchen looks now that i've finally installed the hardware to our kitchen cabinets. (don't ask me why that was so hard to check off the list- it literally took 5 minutes once the pieces were ordered in.) gid also installed our dishwasher and fixed our dryer, although i think i'll still use the clothesline on sunny days. it's becoming a real home, and i get giddy and emotional thinking about memories we're making and will make. sure- it's small and tired, and has a never ending to do list, but i love this little house so much.

it's wednesday, and i need to choreograph some classes, and pick up some flowers and groceries from the market. teddy reminded me that we need ice cream. he's pretty perceptive about what's missing from the freezer. a homebody that loves books and ice cream? best kid ever.

gid brought him into bed with us last night around 3 am when we heard sad little cries coming from his bedroom. (he sleeps with us when we're out of town, and the transition back to his bed is always a little bit of a bummer.) i know work has been stressing gid out, and he's not feeling well, and he still stays cheerful and sweet, even when it's the middle of the night. this morning, while teddy and i slept in, he quietly got ready for work and slipped out early enough so he can come home to us as fast as possible. teddy's been asking for him constantly today.

so grateful for things like morning cuddles and sloppy kisses.

for small arms wrapping themselves around my neck, and requests to read books again and again (and again and again and again and again).

so grateful for family, and building homes and memories.
so grateful for gideon, and for my little theodore.
so grateful for the tiny baby growing in my belly.


so so grateful.
xo


ps- 20 weeks along. due thanksgiving week. finding out what we're having in two days.