paranoia and not being able to breathe and other stuff.

his favorite spot lately is right in my lungs. i really don't love it. it was so nice when he was small enough to fit back in a little office in my belly where i couldn't feel him practicing tai chi ALL DAY.

i have a pregnancy app on my phone that sent me an article about a week ago titled "signs of premature labor". it listed a bunch of symptoms i've def been experiencing on and off over the past few days. why do i read these things?! i've been laying down a lot lately, even though i know i'm over reacting. braxton hicks shouldn't hurt, right?

this time last year, i was finishing my MFA. it makes me feel a little old, and a little like, "huh. what have you accomplished since then?" **

gid works so hard, and is so good at everything he does. sometimes i feel a little peanut butter and jealous, but mostly i'm just really proud of him and especially proud that he's my hubby. pbj sounds really good right now ps.

i'm homesick.

my shopping momentum has gone back down to an all time low. i think i'll just figure out if i need it after teddy comes and then buy it. i'm worried i'll jinx myself and will need all the stuff i'm waiting on and then will have to spend a million dollars all at once.

while i was out of town gid made a special baby section in our room, and bought diapers and baby laundry detergent. i'm still trying to figure out if he's real.

i knew my tummy would get big, but i didn't realize how hard it would get. it kinda bugs me that my abs have never been this firm, even when i was a gymnast and had a six pack for like five minutes. whatever.

i thought i was done throwing up, but i was wrong. at least it's down to about once a week. not bad at all.

we bought a really nice recliner and decided to put it into our living room while we wait to get into a two bedroom. when i saw how badly it threw off the perfect symmetry of our living room furniture i cried for about 10 minutes. i didn't realize how important symmetry in that room was to me.

we got our tax return back. last year we used it to pay for a trip to europe. this year we'll probably use it to buy a stroller or something else for teddy. isn't that wild?

** to be fair, in the last year i did finalize and publish my thesis, got to go on a few awesome vacations, and get to have a sweet little baby do jumping jacks in my belly. it's uncomfortable, but i can't believe my luck.

weekend wishlist.

oh, hey. just a few things i've been drooling over:

1. solly baby wrap- to hold teddy in all summer long! when i was helping my sister with her newborn i used this all the time, and now i want one in every color.

2. anthro skirt- i'm waiting for this to go on sale, and then clearance. and then super clearance if possible...

3. petunia bag-this tailored tote is so cute, right? i wish they made it with a longer strap... 

4. saltwater sandals-i wore these when i was little, and i think i'm ready for them again.

5. elephant teether-we sell finn and emma at babinskis and i think this is the sweetest little wooden teether they have.

6. bugaboo donkey-you know when you see something and love it, and then convince yourself that you need it, even when you probably really don't? welcome to my relationship with the bugaboo donkey.

7. usborne books-have you guys seen these? they're crazy cute and have a ton of variety. i still need to sit down and decide which ones exactly i need in teddy's library. i have a friend who sells them (along with some darling tote bags) if you're interested!

8. pretzel teether-i mean, really? who doesn't want this for their baby?

9. sonnet james dress

this one is sold out right now, but surely it'll come back soon, right? i need to go on a diet...

so, if you had all the money in the world, which of these would you want the most? 

all of them? me too...

today.

today i'm thinking i've gotta cut my hair.
maybe this week. okay, maybe this month.
... for sure before the baby comes.
my hair has been so weird for the past several months.

i have lots of important stuff i need to get for teddy, but all i really want are swimsuits and hats for the beach. we don't have a beach trip planned, but tiny trunks for a baby born in the summer seem essential to me.

i'm starting to think that we're never going to get into a two bedroom. and if we don't i think we're putting teddy in our closet. that's cool, right? kinda like harry potter...
we're so trendy.

i just got back from visiting my sister for 2 weeks. i'm happy to be home, but i'm super sad that i don't get to hang out with them 24/7 anymore. the morning after i left, mimi told me that she called down to me twice (since she sleeps on the top bunk and i sleep on the bottom bunk) but i wasn't there. her eyes had fat tears in them. i wanted to cry too. i hate them living on the other side of the country.

i took that glucose test (the crazy sugary drink to test if you have gestational diabetes) and finished it no problem. it kinda worried me how impressed the lab tech was, but my doc called and said that my blood is all sorts of normal. nailed it.

i think baby hiccups are sweet but they give gid the willies. every time i tell him the baby has them he rushes over and puts his hand firmly against my midsection and asks teddy if he's okay with a concerned voice. it's sweet, right?

i think i'm going to eat some cold cereal and take a nap. thursdays are the best.

and by best, i mean the sleepiest.

teddy's nursery inspiration

guess what? in less than two weeks i can say teddy is coming "next month".

that is more than fifty shades of cray, you guys.

i've been looking around for nursery inspiration for a while, but a few things have really stuck out to me. i've been a little more minimalist (wishful thinking?) in my shopping habits, but we've managed to purchase most of the bedding and decor for teddy's nursery.

we're leaning on gray and brown neutral tones with hints of blue.

i liked these photos from this website. what do you think?

the crib, dresser and recliner we purchased are all different from the ones in these photos, but the color scheme (and feel) is similar. i'm on the hunt for a mobile i like that isn't too out of our price range.

i like these two, but i'm having a hard time committing to one of them.

and isn't this little plane to die for? sigh. oh money...

anyway, still lots we've got to get done. it's fun to window shop though, wouldn't you say?

what's your favorite decorative thing in your nursery?

first week home.

it seems like the first few days home from the hospital are the longest.

the hours creep by, and yet are somehow filled with things like nursing sessions, burping, spitting up, laundry, and changing sweet little diapers. 

if you're lucky perhaps you get a nap or a snack here or there. 

i like to think someday when my sister's family look back at pictures like these they'll somehow forget how tired we were when we took them; only that they were the sweet beginning hours of a new addition to a sweet family.

"look how much he loves me!" mimi said, right before i snapped this shot.

sometimes life is just the sweetest, you know?

30 weeks.

i cropped my face out of this so you couldn't
tell how hard i was trying to suck in....

i have ten more weeks left. it sounds like a really long time.

i've hit that point in my pregnancy where complete strangers feel comfortable asking me when i'm due. i shouldn't feel weird about it, but i always am really tempted to play dumb like i don't have a 7 month baby inside of me. (what, this bump?)

we haven't bought a stroller yet because i convinced myself that i want a different one now (ahem, that costs twice as much as the one we were looking at originally...) now i'm thinking maybe i never want to buy a stroller ever.

i don't have stretch marks yet, but i can tell they're coming. maybe after teddy comes i'll throw a party mourning the beautiful smooth skin on my belly i used to have but never appreciated.

we registered for a birthing class. is that what you call it? i forget the name of it, but it cost more than i thought it would (annoying) and they encourage you to bring snacks (less annoying).

i went a whole week without throwing up. it was such a good week.

sometimes my computer is my best friend. i use it to watch tv, research weird baby facts, and wake up from naps with it next to me on the bed. gid gets annoyed/jealous sometimes. (why is there a computer where your husband is supposed to be!?) he's hid it on more than one occasion. i still like him a lot.

teddy moves like crazy lately, and he's getting bigger. i used to be able to feel him very specifically in the lower or higher part of my belly. now i feel him in both. always. he punches upstairs, kicks downstairs, and does somersaults before bedtime that throw me into weird positions, startling everyone around me. it's weird having a human in you.

i miss my family today really badly. i never in a million years thought i'd say this, but i wish we all lived on the same block in texas. we would have dinner parties, go swimming in the backyard and eat snow cones all day and it would be so so fun.

you guys, i'm starting to get nervous about the whole delivery thing. it sounds like it hurts really bad. sometimes i worry about how little i know about babies and having babies. (like for instance-- one of my co-workers was warning me about the skin in your nether-region sometimes TEARING DURING BIRTH? i almost cried. and did you know that breastfeeding is unspeakably painful at first for some mammas? and did you know that you get all puffy and swollen when the baby comes, and sometimes you STAY puffy and swollen for weeks after the delivery?? why am i hearing about this only now?!)

i think there's more stuff people want to warn me about, but they don't want to freak me out even more. i want to go to sleep, but my brain is too awake thinking about it. nightmares.

brand new.

i feel like there's never been such a sweet baby in the history of the world.

of course, that's not the first time i've said this. when i held my first nephew for the first time i fell in love just as quickly. every time i hold a new baby i'm instantly wrapped around their tiny fingers, i can't help it. don't even get me started on my nieces.

  (what's that, little baby? you insist on crying unless i bounce in a very specific way making a shushing sound every 7.3 seconds ALL NIGHT LONG? i don't care if i can't stand up straight in the morning-- if it keeps you happy, i'll do it.) 

what is it about a brand new little baby that makes your heart melt? goodness those sweet little quivering lips kill me. the velvet soft skin. the nuzzles. !! the nuzzles! 

i can't handle it. i can't handle the sweetness of being an aunt. can you imagine how obsessed with my own baby i'm going to be? it's going to be nuts. look out world.

my baby keeps kicking me,
so i'm going to go to bed.

teddy

we don't have a name picked out for him yet. why does everyone seem to think that i know what his name is going to be? i imagine he'll come out, and introduce himself to me. just to be safe  i'm planning on having a list of five names to take with me to the hospital. i should get started on that.

you want in on a secret? i call him teddy. that doesn't mean that's his name forever. i just like thinking of the baby boy in my tummy as teddy tolman.

teddy has been doing this thing lately where he does jumping jacks on my bladder when i'm trying to fall asleep, and first thing in the morning when i'm trying to stay asleep. i twitch, hoping to coax him to get into a new position, but he politely declines every time.

these days he almost always wakes me up with sweet little thumps ("how about a little breakfast, mamma? no hurry- whenever you're ready... i''ll just keep entertaining myself by practicing flutter kicks till you get up, take your time...")

i'm not digging the whole lactation thing. no one warned me about this. the first morning it happened i thought i just kept dripping cereal milk on my chest. and then i was like, "that's weird, why do i keep spilling exactly where both of my nipples are?" then i flipped out a little.

don't you love how she's half puckering half smiling?

my sister is having a baby any minute. i hate that i'm not there right now, but i'm visiting soon. then mimi and i can resume our traditions of baking cakes, sharing milkshakes and playing with homemade shadow puppets first thing in the morning and last thing end of the day. she calls me her best friend (obvs i trained her to do that...) and it melts my heart every time.

i know some day, sooner than later, i'll just be her (super cool and trendy) aunt alyssa.

but for now i'm lala, her best fweind. we have a secret handshake and everything.

i have a feeling after teddy comes everything will change. like i won't be able to just jump on a plane and visit mel and mimi just because i haven't seen them for 4 months.

maybe i can. maybe teddy will be an awesome traveler. i've heard most babies don't really like planes. if he's a good traveler, than i'm planning on going on a trip to amsterdam, prague and vienna with him and gid.

sigh. do lots of mammas to be stay up late at night wondering all the ways their life is never going to be the same again? that's what i'm doing right now...

April Style.

Anyone care to join me?