when i was expecting with teddy, i remember towards the end of my pregnancy people would say things like, "bet you're ready for him to come out, huh?" i didn't feel that way at all. i didn't enjoy being pregnant, but i didn't feel an urgency to get him out of my body. i'd pat my belly and think, "you just stay in there until you're ready, buddy." he did, too. when they finally pulled him out via emergency c section, the doctor said that he was reaching towards my abdomen as though to say, "no, no! put me back!" homebody from the start.
this time around, i'm feeling a little more anxious for delivery. my belly feels heavier than i remember with teddy. the skin feels thinner too- like i'm stretching faster than it can accommodate. i get light headed and sometimes even see stars when i push myself past the exertion of an easeful walk which sounds dramatic, but it's true. teddy is starting to be too heavy for me to carry for more than a few minutes (happy we decided to buy a good stroller) and headaches have been a daily issue. i miss feeling strong enough to hold my little boy for more than a few minutes, or feeling up for a jog, or not finding myself taking a 3 hour nap randomly on a saturday. i don't recognize myself pregnant; inside or out.
this time around, my hormones are just bananas. i cry because teddy is getting too big, or because he's growing out of his clothes. i cry because we're out of butter, and i just made toast. i cry because i slightly scuffed up our hardwood floors. i cry because a tylenol commercial moves me. you name it- i'm crying.
this time around, i feel like i've hardly bought anything. when i was expecting teddy, i was working at a charming baby boutique in salt lake, and would buy things every few days. most of the tiniest clothes i bought for teddy were gender neutral, so i feel like it's fine. i may or may not go on a crazy panicked shopping spree a few days before i have her.
this time around, i'm so much more comfortable in the role of being a mother. i remember when i was expecting teddy having anxiety that i wouldn't love him as much as i should, or i wouldn't be a good mom, or i'd be dying to get back into the workforce, and would regret the decision to start our family. of course i had no idea how hard it would be, that nights would pass where i'd cry quietly for hours because he was refusing to sleep, or how difficult breastfeeding would be, or how awful recovering from a c section would be, especially after moving states to a third floor loft-- but now i do. i've been so shocked to discover how much i love being at home with teddy, and how much better and happier a mom i am than i imagined (obviously i suck very much some days, but it's better than i thought i'd be so i'm putting it in the win pile). don't get me wrong-- having a second baby is so intimidating, and i'm scared, but this time around, i feel like i have enough of a heads up as to what i'm taking on that i can look forward to it more.
this time around, i get emotional thinking about teddy feeling replaced or overshadowed. does this get easier? i can't imagine it getting easier. he's been our whole world for 2 years, and i feel like there's a meteor coming his way and he doesn't have a clue. i can't wait to see what this little girl is like- i just kind of want him to myself without distractions for a couple more months than i have sometimes, you know? and i think he'd feel the same way if he really comprehended what was coming.
xo
