thanksgiving was hard, and other things.

first. driving in a snowstorm with a crying baby makes me never want to leave the house again ever.

second. why do babies need a schedule, and why is it so hard to keep them on one? teddy is all over the place with his naps after a short visit to salmon for thanksgiving, and by the time we get him back on track, we'll be leaving again for christmas. sigh. i wish i was one of those mothers that is put together. or at least seems put together. i'd settle for that. to just look put together. because i don't think anyone actually really has themselves together.

gideon's brother is getting married this upcoming january, and i'm shamelessly in love with his fiance. sure, i'm happy for the groom to be, but really, i'm mostly happy for me. i get a gal pal during holiday visits which is really all i want when we're visiting gid's family.

when i was expecting, i promised myself i wouldn't react if i feel like people are judging my parenting style. fail. this weekend i felt like i was being judged for being too protective of my baby (hi. first time mom.), and i couldn't belieeeeeve how defensive it got me.
my baby. my rules. period. i can't keep writing about it because i'll just get annoyed again.

thanksgivings are hard for me since getting married. i miss my (crazy) family, and then always regret how antisocial i end up being with gideon's family. i wasn't super social before i had teddy (and always would promise myself i'd do better the next visit), but this year i spent a lot of time downstairs with a napping baby feeling exhausted, (but wired!) while everyone played games or hung out upstairs, because i was afraid i wouldn't hear teddy if he woke up. i haven't spent a thanksgiving in texas since my 5 year old nephew was born, and it bums me out that i've missed out on those memories. (to be fair though, gid has never spent christmas at his parents house since we've been married, and i've never once heard him complain. i can be such a selfish jerk sometimes.)

this thanksgiving was especially hard, i think because the past few weeks i've been restless, heartbroken and sickened at the terror attacks around the world. i pray for those affected in france, and think of other countries and individuals, particularly refugees who are struggling to survive in such difficult circumstances. (here i am, whining about baby sleep schedules...)

i try to imagine my life in that frame-- me with teddy, trying to find a warm, dry place to sleep. not being sure if my friends and family are okay. lost. homeless. hated. cast out. i think of these people and get caught up in a helpless sense of obscurity. praying doesn't feel like enough, so i look up other ways of being proactive. and just when i start to feel like maybe the world isn't so upside down, i find articles in the news about racism and hate and prejudice in my own country and i feel helpless again. i wish the world was different. i know i'm not alone.

and now we're back home, and my sunday evening anxiety is creeping into me like a suffocating cold beverage that i don't want to drink, but it's already going down my throat and i've got to swallow because if i don't i'll pass out and die, and i'd rather swallow something disgusting than lose consciousness.

holy debbie downer. 
i'll probably delete this post in the morning.

ps-i know this post is lame already and i should really just stop writing, but it's thanksgiving week and i don't want to be ungrateful for my circumstances. i'm so blessed. i normally feel like using that word is condescending, like me saying "i'm blessed" denotes that i've been selected for the things and people that i have, and other people haven't been, and it opens up a can of worms that i don't feel comfortable with, so i usually just resort to saying, "holy moses, i lucked out," but today i'm using the word blessed. i love my family. i love my boys. i'm so fortunate to have them. if they are all i have in the world, i'm still the luckiest person i know. that's all. 

winter photoshoot, or "poor teddy"

guys, we were lucky enough to grab some family christmas photos 

by the incredible kylie fly turley last week which was a BLAST FROM THE PAST;

she and her cute triplet sisters were my neighbors in college,
and she did this photoshoot of gid and i in hawaii when we were newlyweds six years ago.

six years!! 

time, man. it flies.

anyway she did great work, especially considering this was poor teddy's first experience with snow.
(who'd have thought we'd get such a lovely backdrop just by driving up the mountain a few minutes?!)

enjoy, friends. and tell me which one to use for our cards. 

i'm still trying to decide.

i call this one "poor teddy", lol.

thanks again for the pics, ky!

 gid's top
my top, necklace & boots
teddy's top & boots

(everything linked is on SALE! you're welcome.)

weekend wishlist

i can't believe this week is THANKSGIVING. i've been thinking about how fast time goes. how teddy is growing so quickly and before i know it the sun will be back, and i'll be shaving my legs again (maybe, maybe not- amiright?). it hasn't really snowed up where we live, but my holiday instincts are kicking in already. who wants to throw an epic holiday party with me? i'm serious.

here's what i'm drooling over right now, guys. 

this sweet coat for mimi- because it's classy and sweet, just like her.

(i also love this adult sized one in gray)

this rad bag that i stare at once a week for about 20 minutes

my friend makes these in slc and i want them ALL.

this comfy dress for me (on sale!!)- because stripes.

this cute pom pom beanie- they also have this one in cream.

baby boy romper for teddy to bring out the swiss in him.

this darling toy

(a dear friend actually just gifted me, so i guess it's not on my wishlist anymore-i just had to share because it's awesome.)

these beads to match. :)

a little sparkle for that holiday party we're going to throw (yep- i'm talking about you.)

lipstick- because a red lip paired with a little sparkle? that's just nice.

happy saturday before thanksgiving friends,

four months.

teddy's four month shots are coming and i am dreading it. i wish we could just skip it and go get a milkshake instead. i know i could handle that like a boss.

i feel like i'm realizing that nursing will never get "easy."
what is easy anymore?! nothing is easy. except gaining weight.

teddy is really hungry for attention lately. like full attention. like eye contact at all times attention. i'm like "okay. don't freak out, but i'm going to move my focus to the computer for 3 minutes to send this email," and he gives me these really sad eyes, and i feel like i must be the worst mamma in the world. (and blogging?! i don't write on here unless he's asleep because there is just. no. way.)

then again- who wouldn't want to keep eye contact with this all day long? 

a sweet friend from college sent me a book on sleep scheduling and a bag full of canadian chocolate (which if you haven't had- you're missing out). i'm so lucky to have such considerate people in my life. i hadn't talked to her in years and she sent me a package out of the blue. i wish i could say i've consumed as much of the book as i have the chocolate. hashtag priorities.

teddy rolled over the other day, except i don't think it counts because he was propped up on a pillow. so, he flopped over the other day. i spent 10 minutes trying to get him to do it again.

my incision has been really hurting the past few weeks, and sometimes i get worried that my body will never heal. something hit me last night though- i don't think it's hurting because i exercise ("exercise" is a generous term for what i do...) i think it's hurting because my nerve endings are healing, and i'm starting to get feeling back in my lower abdomen, and since it was cut open a few months ago, yeah- it's going to sting a little every now and then...

do my c section mamas have any advice or experience they'd like to offer?

i'm thinking about selling our accent chairs, but i'm torn. i simultaneously love them and need to let them go. what do you think, guys? are these something you'd buy if you saw them on craigslist? also- craigslist is scary.

today i was daydreaming about baby girl names, and i went through a storage box of baby girl things i've been collecting since before i even met gideon. i'm so glad i have my little boy. but i wouldn't be bummed if i had a little girl too.

my best friend called today.
why is baltimore so far away? sigh.

happy tuesday.
or is it wednesday?
ugh. happy day.

weekend wishlist

"later that night, i held an atlas on my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world, and whispered, 'where does it hurt?'
it answered, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere."

-warsan shire


    i wish for this always.

fall soup.

let me be clear, sweet friends: 

i'm not a chef. in college i mostly ate cold cereal and fruit.

(here's a link to a real foodie's blog)

meal planning baffles me, and grocery shopping irritates me.

i like simple recipes that don't take a long time.

and with all the cooking videos going around social media,

i got inspired and decided to make my own of the easiest, tastiest, crockpot potato soup.

hope you like it, friends. full recipe below.

4 potatoes (chopped makes it easier)

1 carrot (sliced)

2 tbs butter (refrigerated and cubed)

1 onion (chopped)

2 cloves of garlic (chopped)

3 cups of water

1 spoonful of chicken bouillon

(you could just do chicken broth, 

instead of the water and bouillon 

but i didn't have any in the house...)

salt & pepper (to taste)

1/3 cup flour

1/2 cup milk

_____________________________________________________

combine potatoes, carrot, butter, garlic, onion water, and bouillon in crock pot
(i like to see a little bit of water/chicken broth peeking up in the bowl)

cook on high for 4-5 hours/ until the potatoes are soft

mash potatoes

salt and peper to taste

add flour and milk

serve in bowl with cheese, green onions and bacon

SO EASY, RIGHT?????

that's all. happy friday.

breast milk heals most things, and other stuff going on.

you guys. breast milk.

teddy scratched himself on the cheek. (enough to draw blood!) and the internet told me to put breast milk on it. the cut healed overnight. a few weeks later he scratched his eye, and i tried the same thing. healed. i use it when he has the rare baby pimple pop up. it works every time. this stuff that my body makes is incredible. so basically, i am incredible.

he grabs his toes. he's even starting to use his abs (can babies have "abs"? should i say tummy??) to sit up. when he does, he gets this self important grin on his face and it makes my heart melt. what a little stud.

he's decided he'd rather not sleep through the night after all. (at least he gave it a try for a few days, right?) his prime time for flirting and cooing is around 3:30 am. this little boy is so sweet, but he's driving me crazy.

gid and i had a date for the first time since the delivery and went to a drive-in less than five minutes from our house because we're crazy parents who can't be too far from our baby. you guys, don't eat junk food if your body isn't used to it. trust me. woof.

if someone would've told me a year ago that last season's diapers would get me excited, i would have groaned and rolled my eyes. whatever. they're cute. and on sale.

(honest co. also just released five new prints for the current winter season. also cute.
we just ordered a bundle. teddy's bum is seasonal for the next 200 diapers at least, y'all...)

most days my incision is numb. (that's normal, right c section mamas?) but every now and then i'll get sharp, intense pains that last a few seconds. isn't it crazy that four months ago, a surgeon cut me open, moved around all my organs, pulled a person out, and sewed me back up? and i'm still alive?! science, man!

i'm not sure i'll ever feel strong enough (or brave enough) to do a real jumping jack again.

teddy and i are getting better with outings. the other day i took him to the mall and target in the same trip. he smiled at sales people and had the most unbelievable blowout in jcrew while i was in the dressing room. i can't decide if his explosion means that he hates shopping and was dying to get home, or if he really wanted to have his diaper changed there because he has expensive taste.

6:30pm feels like midnight. i hate these short days.

i'm thinking of doing a giveaway on my blog. do people still do that? is that a thing still? i feel like social media blew up into a completely new thing while i was in graduate school, and now i don't understand it. i wish i was more of a hipster. maybe i should get gid a man bun for christmas. (omg. i think i will...)

i thought i'd fit into all of my old clothes by now. (wrong again, alyssa.) but i'm stubborn and refusing to buy more clothes, because i feel like that's giving in to the enemy. i don't know who the enemy is, but i'll never surrender.

unless surrendering is wearing leggings a lot. in that case, i surrendered a long time ago.

we took christmas card pictures yesterday on top of a mountain in snow covered trees. (stay tuned!) i know it sounds silly, but taking real family pictures for the first time felt like a big deal.

man, this post was all over the place.
if you made it this far, you're a trooper.



ps- but seriously, are giveaways still a thing?

weekend wishlist

ugh, are you guys as glad as i am that it's friday? shorter days

didn't bother me until i had a kid and don't get outside as much.

i'm wishing for all things cozy this week, friends. here are some of the things on my list.

(worth checking out- especially the sale on sales)

 cute little teepee (all 20% off) for teddy to cozy up in when he's older and we play hide and seek all day.

sweet baby blanket with color combos that make my heart flutter

diaper backpack because a hands free bag sounds smarter and smarter

baby boy sweater- so darling, don't you think?

infinity scarf (extra 35% off online)- so many cute colors. well done, jcrew.

boy boots- can you even stand these, guys?! i'm dying in love.

knit throw (extra 20% off sale)- because i need a blanket big enough for me, gid, and my little sweetheart.

wishing you a warm weekend, friends.

life.

teddy gets restless when gid is getting ready for work in the morning, and then he's weepy for hours after gid leaves (staring at the door and everything). this little boy loves his dad.

if he's really upset, he'll refuse nursing or a bottle, and one of the only things that calms him is sitting by the window, rocking and humming. i think he likes the colors of the leaves. it makes me nervous that they're almost all gone.

something a friend said to me about motherhood has been sticking with me; how it can often appear (and feel) as though you haven't actually done anything for days despite feeling constantly busy and drained.

i feel like all i do is nurse, bottle feed, change diapers, and hopelessly encourage naps.

but teddy doesn't want to nap. he wants to play, or have staring contests. or be held. or eat.

i think i'm okay with that though.
being his mamma is exhausting, but it has incredibly sweet moments.

  that's all.