new years resolutions, or i'm ready to be better

deep exhale. 

we're home. there was this crazy freak blizzard in my hometown, and there were no flights coming in or out for an extra week, and we were all stuck inside (watching classic christmas movies and mission impossible 4 on repeat so why am i even complaining) and it felt long since teddy and i had already been there over two weeks, and he wasn't sleeping well (who am i kidding-- he doesn't sleep well anywhere these days) and i really just missed our routine, and our stuff, and 

deep exhale. 

we're home.

isn't teddy a dream boat baby?

i really wanted to have a thoughtful new years resolution list finished by now. some people think new years resolutions are stupid. well. i think those people are stupid. i love the tradition of making goals that i'll almost definitely screw up before valentines day. it makes me feel alive. the past five years at least i've made the resolution to learn to be patient enough to not let hot pizza burn my mouth.

hot pizza is just too delicious for me to get that one.

i haven't really thought too specifically about resolutions this year, but new years day is over and i'm already typing this post, and the beautiful hot shower is calling to me longingly after a crazy day of traveling and airports and walking, and not knowing exactly whose smells i'm smelling, so i'm going to type the basic gist of what i was hoping my resolutions would sort of be like:

this year i want to be more present. 

i want to take note of this point in my life and try to appreciate it for what it is. even the sucky days. especially the sucky days. because the sucky days are just part of being a human with feelings, and being a mamma is what i wanted more than anything (right, alyssa?!), and if i choose to be graceful despite feeling sucky, it will mean twice as much. also, suckiness is in the eye of the beholder. what i find sucky is someone else's dream life. i guess what i'm saying is i need to whine less, appreciate more, and note often.

this year i want to remember.

i want to take more pictures. write more. purposefully plan activities and outings for us. for me. i want to make more of an effort to make memories. i always think i take too many pictures. i don't take nearly enough. i want to be able to remember, look back and have something to look at. photographs. videos. traveling. even if it's only to the river and back. (that's way better than watching the bachelor all winter, right? ps- bachelor is coming back and i'm kinda exciiittteeeed. hashtag reality tv makes me feel good about myself...)

this year i want to really try. 

i'm good at pretending. i've always had an imagination, and my junior high theatre teacher told me i really had it in me to be a good actress (the fact that i remember that proves i took it WAY too much to heart). i'm good at making beautiful dreams and pretending that i'm skipping down the yellow brick road towards them. and then i make detours. and bathroom stops. and i take a nap or two. and i do some online shopping. and sometimes i get close to the dream or goal that i had, but it's a less sparkling imitation of what i meant to be. even though i could've done it. i could've been really sparkly, you guys.

i saw this today and it made me laugh out loud because it's soo true for me. (sorry mom.)but this resolution of mine --"really trying"-- it isn't about me giving up ice cream forever, or promising to become a marathon runner in 12 months. it's not extreme. it's me giving myself credit for what i know i can do. and if i give myself credit, maybe i'll allow others to as well.

what i'm trying to say is that i'm ready. i'm ready to commit to beautiful realistic goals. if i don't succeed it's okay. really, it is! as long as i can look myself in the mirror and know that i tried for real. no potty breaks this time, alyssa. (okay, maybe a literal potty break once in a while, for the sake of health.) i'm ready to commit to who i know i can be. it could mean being a better wife. a better mother to my teddy. a more serious artist. a more thoughtful writer. it could mean so many things. i'm not even sure what it means to me right now, since i'm stream of conscious writing. (all of a sudden this post feels like a really bad idea.)

i just know i'm ready to be better.

well. that's three things. three big things. is three too small of a number for resolutions? maybe i'll write a more detailed, specific list- so i can hold myself more accountable. but for tonight- this has to be enough. my shower needs me.

happy new year, 
treasured friends.
xo


ps- what are your resolutions, guys? will anyone comment? what if i offer you a million dollars? then will you comment?

i don't have a million dollars.
so maybe don't worry about commenting...
pss- i'm so happy to be home.