the sometimes happy, sometimes anxious, sometimes miserable pear.

i was joking with my neighbor the other day about the title of my blog. first it was "gideon and alyssa". then, on a day i was feeling spontaneous and ultra cutesy, i named it "the happy pear". then, when i tried to change the url and realized it wasn't available. i added "very".

that brings us to today- the very happy pear. do i ever wish i named it something different? yes. often. it is what it is though. get over it if you don't like it. (and if you do like it- thanks.)

my neighbor and i were joking because these days i write a lot about things that aren't happy- let alone very happy. and sometimes i think i should change the title of my blog to the title of this post.

i write about my anxiety and frustrations. because i'm a normal human being with anxiety and frustrations. i also write about sweet things that teddy does. (lately he hugs my face and chews on my cheek. i think that's his way of giving me kisses.)

a few weeks ago, a different friend from school called me and said she was worried about me because my blog is so depressing. i thought about it for a second, (embarrassed), wondering to myself if i was depressed, or if i was just being honest in my writing.

guys, i think i'm just being honest.

and i think,  honestly, sometimes being a mamma (especially a stay at home mamma) is a little bit of a bummer for me. in the past, my anxiety has always been linked to something that was time sensitive. due dates. work deadlines. a performance. my thesis defense. it was something i had an ending to look forward to. being a mom doesn't have a deadline. (thank goodness, right?!) there's not an end to this semester. there's no summer break. there's just a small person who needs me all the time, and sometimes throws up on me. and i'm crazy about him. it's just a life that takes some getting used to.

a few nights ago i started crying in a grocery store parking lot because it feels like i'm losing my identity one diaper change at a time, and some days it feels like there's nothing i can do about it.

last week, when i had breakfast with a friend the most exciting news i had to offer was how teddy has started eating baby oatmeal and could she believe it, and how mind blowing it that?! she was telling me about her dissertation and some truly incredible jobs she's applying for. i was envious for about three bites and then was like, "holy moses these crepes are delish."

sometimes i imagine getting a really great job that i'm amazing at, and finding a spritely british nanny who takes teddy on walks in the park, but never allows him to do anything cute without me there. in fact, she makes time stand still while she's watching him, so i don't have to miss out on anything. because even when teddy is having a meltdown, it's sweet.

it's weird how you can never want another baby again, and yet totally be okay with the thought of more babies. there are days i'm totally like, "okay! i could do this again. right now." (i can't believe i'm admitting this on my blog.) i'm not saying i'm going to have another baby soon. i'm just saying my teddy hasn't scared me enough to not already be thinking about it. that's a good sign, right? or maybe i'm losing it.

motherhood is the hardest, most thankless job i've ever done- there's no doubt about it. and even though some days are JUST THE WORST, i feel like i'm getting better at it. and writing helps me. it helps the good days shine a little brighter, and let me see the humor in the bad days (because man, i get melodramatic sometimes.)

so if any more of you are wondering if i'm okay, i am.
i'm not crazy depressed, (today, at least.)
i'm a new mom being honest. 

that's all.