things i don't want to forget.

that time the ocean water touched teddy's chubby legs for the first time in his little life, and he couldn't decide if he was thrilled or horrified. i can't stop laughing at these shots from my phone.

the time mimi and i were sitting in a hot tub with 4 or 5 other people, and she curiously chirped out, "is it true that you go pee pee in the ocean if you really need to? mama says you do..." 

(everyone else in the hot tub looked interested in the answer as well.)

early mornings when the babies were happy and the beaches were ours.

visiting aulani with this bunch. 

how mimi and gid would run away from the waves like it was the best game on the planet.

the time teddy had two blowouts while he and i were flying solo home, and there was no changing table in the airplane. (i'm forever grateful for the 50 year old sisters who were sitting next to me, and couldn't stop laughing about it.) *no pictures for obvious reasons, ha!

i hope you're having a nice night. xo

hawaii pictures!

as i'm putting this post together, tiny snores are whispering next to me on the bed from my baby. i can't wait to join him. this trip has been so exhausting for our whole family, but i feel like the memories will be worth it, right?

this was 5:30 in the morning.
my eyes are closed, because i'm still half asleep, ha!

in the waterfall pool. (that poor moose pacifier was way out of his preferred climate...)

that smile!

the sweetest grandma offered to take our family picture, and teddy couldn't get enough of her.
he's been such a friendly baby this trip. 

YOU GUYS HIS TOE.

i hope you're having a nice tuesday.
xo

vacation. or, i understand now why people don't take their kids on trips.

waving with his big toe!

i didn't realize how different summer vacations would be with a baby. i thought you do all the same things you normally do, only now you have a happy, smiling baby on your hip while you're doing them.

oh, pre-teddy alyssa. you naive little flower blossom.

we've been staying inside a lot more than i thought we would, because as it turns out, teddy still needs naps in hawaii. he got sick yesterday, and i've never been so grateful for baby tylenol in my life. also- he's still on boise time. he's up and ready to go at 3:30am every morning. vacation. (i mean, it's still nice here, obviously..)

anyway, i'm just saying i get why my friends with kids don't always bring them.

we took these pictures at 5 in the morning. the early morning is the time teddy is the happiest here. he loves the sand, and he's giddy when the ocean water touches his little legs, which is so sweet.

if i didn't have gideon; a dedicated early bird, i think i'd cry myself awake every morning. i am so so tired in these pictures, but i think when i look at them, i'll only remember how happy teddy was, and how fun his first visit to the ocean was.

i miss how we used to vacation; not worrying about naps, or meals, or waking up a snoring little baby bear. seeing teddy in swim trunks makes it worth it, though. most of the time.

i hope you have a good sunday.
xo

teddy's starfish toy
teddy's whale toy
teddy's outfit

11 months.

hello, chubby cheeks.

you give me butterflies.

hi chestnut hair.

you make me swoon.

hi, raised eyebrow.

you make me laugh.

hi, pouty lips.

you break my heart. 

(but not enough for me to not take a picture...)

hi, winsome smile.

you melt my heart.

hi, chubby hands. 

you make me marvel.

hi 11 months.

xo

a giveaway with usborne books! (closed)

it's no secret that books are one of my favorite things to collect for teddy. gid and i started reading to him when he was less than a month old, and we'd joke to each other that we were instilling a love of literature in our (snoring) newborn. keeping up the tradition of reading to him in the morning and evening has led to him loving books, which makes me feel like a warrior mom. (most days i can't remember the last time i showered, there's lean cuisine warming up in the microwave, and i'm pretty sure i forgot to pay for car insurance for the past 2 months, but my kid loves to read, so take that perfectionism; who needs ya?! mic drop. moon walk. exit.)

this two sided cloth book about a family of owls has been so sweet.

one of the things i love about books is that they last longer than clothes (especially newborn sizes, ugh).  i also love that every book we buy is potentially one we'll use for other kids we may have. building an awesome children's library seems way more a worthy investment than a lot of the other things screaming at me to buy them on the internet.

so when my dear friend from college, carrie- an usborne consultant reached out for a collaboration, i was thrilled. who doesn't want/need more books?! even if you don't have kids yet- this is something you can't start too early on- i wish i would've started my library years ago since books can add up, and i want them all.

we were sent four different books from usborne, and i was so impressed with the durability and quality of the materials, especially for the price. teddy is in puppy mode right now, and his chompers are ruthless when it comes to biting things. he's been gnawing on these books for almost a month, and they've endured beautifully.

my favorite usborne book of ours is from the "that's not my" series. we have the book "that's not my fox" written from the perspective of a little mouse looking for his fox friend. each page has a different texture that teddy can investigate (bite), and i love the colors and illustrations. there's a million other titles in this series if you're not into foxes, though- ha!

carrie's involvement with usborne is fairly new; we were laughing about how sales isn't something she thought she'd ever get into, but she's been able to make a steady income as an usborne consultant (which gives me major life goals-- to be able to support my family and stay at home with three little ones!!) and she and her husband are going on a cruise in a few weeks completely paid for by usborne's trip incentives! so awesome.

this is another thing i love about companies like usborne- i'm able to help my friend support her family (as opposed to going to barnes and noble or target). if i'm planning on investing in a library anyway, it makes me happy to know that my money is going to help good people that i love. what a cool way to not only touch the lives of children through reading, but also to give to your family.

---------------------------------------

for this giveaway, carrie is generously giving away any new title of the winner's choice! (new titles come out in about a week.) she's also offering free shipping (via refund) on any orders over $100 or more now through the end of june.

entering into this giveaway is super easy:
just leave me a comment telling me why you want to win, or which book you'd choose,
 and head over to carrie's usborne VIP facebook group.

(extra entries if you're a follower of my blog, or the blog's facebook page!)

she does a lot of cool giveaways and shows cool new books that have come out, which is awesome if you're passionate about keeping your kids engaged with reading at all different levels.

here's a little video i made of usborne being a part of our life:

i tried to focus on the detail of the books, 

since that's my biggest hang up in ordering online versus in person.
i can attest to their quality and longevity!

this giveaway will end in seven days. good luck!!
thanks again, carrie! xo

(giveaway closed. congrats to jenny h!!!) 

things happening.

this month he turns 11 months, which is so close to a year that it baffles me. does anyone else feel like he should be around 6 months by now? that cliche thing people say about it going too fast is so true. (except when he's fighting me putting him down for a nap-- i could stand for that to go a little faster...)

the first week in may he laughed so hard that he (happy) cried for the first time, and it felt important enough to write about so i can remember. he's a serious baby for the most part, but he's also incredibly ticklish. poor little guy. he gets that from both of his parents.

he's started standing for a second or two at a time without any help. it stresses me out.

i told myself i'd pump for a year, but i feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails. i simultaneously am determined to stick it out, and desperate to give up. how long did you pump? is it worth it? will someone give me permission to give up, or motivate me to continue? i'm producing 2 ounces a day which feels insignificant and pathetic, and well within my rights to quit. also, i hate pumping.

this is his "hey girl" wave.
i'm obsessed.

we cut his hair. did i tell you guys about that? we did, and a part of me is devastated. how could i let someone cut those magnificent wispy, fine locks? and how can a haircut make a baby look like so much less like a baby, and so much more like a toddler?!

guys, i have bruises all over my body. my arms, my cheeks, my shoulder. he bites like a baby siberian husky, and i struggle with how to discipline him. when i sharply tell him not to bite me, he giggles, coos, and then snuggles with me. when teddy bit me at church, this guy looked at me like i was the biggest pushover mamma in the world and muttered, "are you going to do anything?" i didn't know how to respond, so i sheepishly smiled and shrugged. i'm not going to smack my baby for using me as a teether. i spent the next 15 minutes alternating thinking about jesus and hoping the guy has a brick fall on his head at some point in his life. it's a balance.

the other week a woman at the store looked at him and knowingly said, "let me guess, 18 months?" when i responded by saying "haha, he's 10 months," she just said "woah" and walked off. people are funny.

i've taken a step back from writing the past few weeks because honesty is exhausting me. sometimes i don't realize how i've been feeling until i see the words i'm typing, and then i wonder if i'm over-sharing, or if it's a bad idea for me to be so vulnerable on a social platform. i imagine that everyone who visits my site rolls their eyes and thinks cruel things, and it makes me feel like i should delete everything, hide in my covers, change my identity, and start my life over as a beautiful, super thin, happy person; too confident, attractive, and self assured to be hurt by anyone else's opinions. and then i remind myself that people who troll the internet are miserable and unkind because of things that have happened to them, and spend their time actively trying to make others feel bad, and i shouldn't worry about what they think.

and then i try to pump myself up, insisting that i'm confident, attractive, and self assured.

and then i eat brownies because even though i shouldn't, i can, and they are delicious.

i hope your june is starting off beautifully. xo

falling for finn & emma.

part of the time we were living in salt lake i worked at the sweetest baby boutique. it was such a good job, and i loved learning about different baby products and brands. (especially when i got pregnant!) 

one of the brands we loved at babinskis, is a company named finn & emma. they carry everything from clothing (way cute options) to play gyms, to toys and rattles, to bibs, to swaddles... do i need to keep going? 

everything from finn & emma is organic, limiting your little one's exposure to harmful chemicals. 

people roll their eyes, (and i have to admit, i used to too) but studies have shown that synthetic fibers can contains petrochemicals, acrylic, pvc, and other toxins that have been linked to a variety of health problems.

if you can, it's a good idea especially when they're tiny to invest in some organic clothes for your little one. 

finn & emma is also a fair trade company. (something less common than you'd hope.) you can be assured that every piece you receive from them was created in a humane environment and paid for fairly. this makes me appreciate their brand and quality even more.

we've loved having these beautiful products in our home, and we are always getting compliments on our wood playgym. you guys know i'm all about beautiful toys that aren't obnoxious for me to look at or listen to, ha!

we're so thrilled finn & emma asked us to write about them to bring a little more awareness of organic products, and fair trade.

here's a peek of finn & emma in our day to day life:

i hope you guys have an awesome day!

xo

teddy's onesie.

teddy's playgym.

teddy's raccoon toy.

other finn & emma pieces we love right now:

these hanging toys for his play gym

this romper

and this cute polariod

this post brought to you by finn & emma

fighting back with silence.

strange bursts of anxiety have been attacking me, pulling me away from one on one time with teddy, and insisting to me that there are more urgent things i should be focusing on. when i feel it coming, i take deep breaths, tell myself that i will look at my baby's face for 60 seconds, and when the minute is up, i will reevaluate the urgent screams for me to do other things.

i count to ten slowly. my head begins to calm down. i realize that my hands are shaking. i let the oxygen take it's time moving into my lungs, and immediately feel more grounded. why don't i always breathe like this? my focus deepens on teddy.

15 seconds in i notice tiny changes in his features. his cheeks have more definition. his eyes seem darker. his hair is becoming more thick. my mind goes back to the wispy locks that he was born with, and the bald spot in the back of his head that is almost completely covered. how did we get here? how did he morph from a tiny sleepy ball into this fearless pre-toddler who wants to explore the world?

30 seconds in i'm gently rubbing his back, and running my fingers through his hair. is it me, or has he calmed down too? i forget how perceptive he is to my mood; my emotions. he's no longer wriggling out of my lap, he's gently resting his head on my chest, mirroring my deep breaths with his own. i think he's listening to my heart beat.

45 seconds in, the thoughts racing through my head have settled, and i'm beginning to feel like it won't be the end of the world if everything on my list isn't finished today. i remind myself that there will always be chores to do, and deadlines to fulfill, and i ask myself what makes them feel more important than what i'm doing in this moment. i can't come up with an answer.

teddy is gently tapping a small birthmark near my collarbone. he inspects it carefully, tries to rub it off, and finally gives up as he sits up and looks into my eyes.

50 seconds in he's decided to stand up in my lap, facing me, and tugging on my ears. he's looking for the earrings that i wear sometimes, but haven't put on today. i smile at him, and pretend to chomp on his shoulders, as a delighted giggle comes out from his round body. he's been experimenting with standing on his own which makes me proud and frightens me. he's so tall. i can't believe how tall he is. i look at him and see his father with hints of myself reflecting back. there are tiny glimpses of what he's going to look like as a small child. i miss him already.

he slides down my lap, and gives me a smile before he dashes away in a determined crawl. as i watch him playing, i'm grateful for his independence, and also miss the early weeks when he would just sleep on my lap, or lay content on my shoulder. he's fine playing on his own, as long as i'm in sight.

i look at the clock. my sixty seconds has taken 10 minutes in real time.

i feel calm, but not so calm that i couldn't slip right back into an uncomfortable panic in a minute or two. 

i pour myself a glass of water, and notice that dark clouds are covering the strong beams from the sun that normally fill our living room with light. i lift the blinds, push the windows open, and let the cool air flow through our space as teddy tries to choose which car will be his favorite today. he can't decide between the blue one and the yellow taxi.

it's wednesday. which means tomorrow is thursday.
thursday is my favorite day. it's the day that means the week is thinking about ending.

we can do this.
xo

teddy's favs.

when i was pregnant, i was positive that i'd exclusively breastfeed like a boss. my mom and sister were both champion breastfeeders, and it only made sense to me that i'd follow in their path.

ha. ha. ha. ha. ha.

lessons learned since then:

1. breastfeeding is super hard/painful/awful for some people.
people like me.

2. when breastfeeding isn't going well in the hospital, and your baby loses enough weight that the doctors are talking about admitting him, you freak out a little.

3.  giving your little one a bottle doesn't necessarily mean you've failed at breastfeeding.

4. not all bottles are created equally.

we've used comotomo bottles in our home exclusively, and i can't say enough good things about them, you guys. the unique shape of the nipple allows better transitioning back and forth from the breast to the bottle, and i'm convinced that using them allowed me to alternate breastfeeding and bottle-feeding as long as i did. (i gave up breastfeeding at nine months, after teddy's second tooth came in and his bites were making me bleed. "byeeeeeeee.")

the body of the bottles is made of silicon, which also mimics the softness of mama skin, and has a wide opening which makes cleaning simple and worry free.

teddy taking the bottle at 2 months. can you believe how little?!

easy for little hands to hold.

bigger size.

the bottles also feature a duel anti colic vent (who even knew this was a thing?!) which creates ideal air circulation, minimizes extra bubbles and prevents colic, spit up, burping and gas. they come in two different sizes, (one with a slower flow for newborns, and a bigger size with a medium flow for your developing infant) and come in two different colors.

guys. seriously, these have been the best we've tried. if your babies have had a hard time taking bottles, or if you're feeling like you're wanting to transition from breastfeeding, or if you're even just expecting and wanting to be prepared- you've got to give it a try.

one more lesson i learned: 

5. don't let anyone make you feel guilty for continuing to breastfeed, or for giving up breastfeeding. i'm not sure why, but it's so easy to feel pressured one way or another, or to second guess if what you're doing is right for your situation. honor what your instincts are telling you, then move forward. and try not to apologize for doing what you need to do to survive. because seriously motherhood is 80% survival (on a good day). #youdoyouboo

*what are your fav baby feeding products? anything i absolutely should know about?*

i hope you're getting through this week more gracefully than i am.

xo

teddy's bottles
teddy's sleep dock
teddy's polka dot rug

life is good, some utah drivers are bad.

at the beginning of this month while we were visiting henry and mackenzie in utah, gid and i (and teddy) almost got into a crazy car accident. we were on the freeway, cars all around us going 70+ mph, and a red truck who didn't see us (or bother to look) started to merge into our lane without using his blinker. to avoid getting hit, i had no choice but to swerve, and the next thing i knew, i'd lost control of the car, and we were spinning through 3 highway lanes in the mid morning traffic.

it was horrifying. i'd never been in a situation like this, and i remember wondering how long it would take for us to get hit, how badly we'd be injured, worrying about the safety of the other people driving around us, and desperately hoping teddy was strapped in his seat snug enough.

miraculously, we ended up on the side of the road unscathed. the car wasn't hit. no airbags deployed. no one else had an accident as a result of our near miss. we were totally fine.

teddy was cooing in his carseat (i whined about the spacey look of it for a few months, but now i'm super glad we bought the expensive safe one...) and i was grasping the wheel with shaken white knuckles as gid calmly told me that i could let go, and it was over, and we were fine. i could hear henry talking to 911 dispatchers in the background saying something about how they didn't need to send anyone after all.

i have no idea how we managed to not get hit. we had to have had help.

and if you were on the highway that morning, and managed to hit your breaks before there was a collision, i'm so grateful to you. i'm so grateful that you were keeping your eyes on the road.

and if you are thinking about maybe not putting your seatbelt on the next time you take a trip to the market, would you just do it anyway? i don't want you to get hurt because of something that was completely out of your hands.

and make sure your baby's carseat is properly installed, okay? even if you're not going far.

and if you were the person driving the red truck, i'm sure you're not a horrible person.
but use your damn blinker, and look before you change lanes, because you seriously almost killed my little family.

happy monday.
xo