this too, shall pass.

i found pictures from the day teddy was born, and i'm flooded with memories. the exhaustion of the first 48 hours trying to progress. the excitement and anticipation when the doctor told me i was finally at a 9.5 and would probably start pushing within the hour. the fear when the hour passed, and then another hour, and when we realized i'd developed a fever, and the baby had moved into a dangerous position. the helplessness when they told me we absolutely needed to go in for an emergency c section.

the relief of hearing his low, long cry for the first time.
the blur of him being swept away for tests moments after.

i remember telling gideon to stay with him; to not let that little baby out of his sight. 

and as they wheeled me back into my room, i remember seeing a puddle of blood on the floor, realizing it was mine, and that i'd literally been cut open in order to pull a small person out of me. i remember feeling delirious and devastated.



holding him for the first time (below), i marveled how it was possible that he fit so perfectly into my arms. i remember he'd stop crying when gideon or i started talking. he fell asleep immediately after they put him on my chest. i remember his perfect coos and sighs. i remember wondering if/how i'd ever use the bathroom again.

i remember for days my face feeling sticky and tear stained, regretting the decision to not bring make up to the hospital, and wishing i was the kind of mother who looks naturally flawless after delivery. i remember not being able to talk about the c section for weeks without bursting into tears, and feeling like i'd failed at motherhood before i'd even started.

i remember knowing vaguely that my life would never be the same, and yet also feeling like he'd been with us forever.

and just like that-- that same baby, is now my crawling explorer, a lover of strawberries, and a gnawer of noses. he's eight months, and happy and healthy. and so am i. (discounting the special edition oreos, girl scout cookies, and ice cream i ate earlier, obvi...)

 and i just want to write this reminder for myself; to remember for the next time life surprises me and scares me- i can do hard things. i can go through something that makes me feel betrayed, heartbroken and devastated, and make it out thriving. 

and life is more good than it is bad. 

and laughing is better than crying.

and i can do hard things. more than once. xo


"this too shall pass."
for all worldly things shall, indeed, pass.

when i am heavy with heartache
i shall console myself that this, too, shall pass.

when i am puffed with success
i shall warn myself that this, too, shall pass.

when i am strangled in poverty
i shall tell myself that this, too, shall pass.

when i am burdened with wealth
i shall tell myself that this, too, shall pass.

i will enjoy today's happiness today.
it is not grain to be stored in a box.
it is not wine to be saved in a jar.
it cannot be saved for the morrow.
it must be sown and reaped on the same day.

and this i will do, henceforth.

-og mandino