lately.

she's moving constantly. i remember when teddy was around this size getting so worried when i wouldn't feel movement for a few hours. i remember getting lumps in my throat and putting sugary things into my body and then laying down as still as i could, and silently hoping for the tiniest flutter. not this time around. she's always on the move. no sugar rush necessary.

i have that condition where you're sick your entire pregnancy. when i feel myself getting sick, i tell teddy i need to go cough and to give me some privacy, and he waits sadly by the bathroom door anxiously calling out "all done??" until i come out with a forced cheerful reply that i've finished. it's heartbreaking to see him uncomfortable for me. such a protective little bear.

the other day a stranger was telling me how she missed being pregnant; how she felt so feminine and attractive and special and alive and womanly, and i just stared into space, thinking how much i love my babies even though pregnancy, for me, is physically and emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, and how that's okay. i can be miserable, and still be thrilled to be expecting.

on the bad days i try to remind myself of when we wanted to get pregnant so badly the first time around, and i list ways it could be worse. it helps to soften the exhaustion and frustration.

sleep escapes me. i've never been a great sleeper (until around 2 am, when i suddenly get really good at it) but pregnancy really brings out the insomniac in me. it's hard to be motivated to go to sleep at a reasonable hour when my brain is so desperate to be alert during the rare hours of the night that i have just to myself.

lately teddy is on a breakfast meat craze. he's constantly asking for sausage, bacon or pepperoni. i'm half proud ('cause i love meat too, kiddo!), and half nervous for what's coming in his next diaper.

the past few weeks he's been more clingy than usual. he senses there's something coming, and it's making him uneasy. i've been clingier than usual with him too. neither of us are good with change.

xo

ps- girl names are hard.

2 weeks.

i didn't realize how deadly serious people were when they said new mothers don't get any sleep.

the hours between 12 am and 4 am are my me time. teddy is finally starting to sleep a little better through the night (meaning he sleeps up to 4 hours if i'm super lucky). during these hours is mostly when i get online. also i just realized with my new internet time i'm "liking" and commenting on posts in the wee hours of the morning and it probably makes me look creepy. sorry, everyone...

a ridiculous number of my facebook friends are currently uploading gym selfies of them getting beach ready and it makes me feel super not awesome. i know it took me nine months to gain baby weight and i shouldn't expect to go immediately back to the old me, but i really miss my tummy. my beautiful, flat, pre-teddy tummy. why did i never appreciate you?

gid and i have started calling the ipad "the white noise machine".

i cry alot. everything hurts. my belly hurts, sneezing hurts, the bathroom hurts, getting in and out of bed (and any other seat in the house) hurts. i had a friend cheerfully tell me all about how she was back on her feet and to her old self a few days after birth. that kinda hurt, too.

also, i suck at breastfeeding. also, i suck at pumping. i dunno, i always thought i'd be better at things having to do with breasts... it's a real confidence killer.

also, i suck at praying. my prayers these days sound like this: "help me not to suck so bad at breastfeeding and pumping, please make me skinny someday, thank you for my beautiful baby boy, amen."

teddy is getting a little better at napping, but sometimes i get worried he's been quiet too long. i check on him, and for some reason feel the need to get really close to his face to see if he's breathing, and then his big eyes flash open. obviously, i dive to the ground, (ouch) hoping he didn't see me and falls back asleep super fast. he doesn't.

i don't think i've mentioned this yet on the blog, but we're moving soon. like in a few weeks. teddy won't even be a month old. it scares and overwhelms me, like i'm a kid getting ready to start junior high or something. i'm so immature sometimes.

i have no appetite (except for my meds). that probably is one of the main reasons i suck so bad at breast pumping/feeding...

i really love my baby. i love him when he makes little milk drunk smiles,  and how he nuzzles me when he's trying to fall asleep. i love when he burps for me, the satisfied grunt he makes after successfully filling a diaper. the annoyed cry/yell he makes when he needs something (one of three things- diaper change, food, or a nap- he's so reasonable.). i'm baffled at how he doesn't annoy me. i can't think of anyone else who i'd let get away with that kind of behavior...

i should be napping, or at least sending off the thank you cards from my baby showers that i should've mailed weeks ago since teddy is asleep and it's 11 in the morning, (a friggin miracle) but i'm writing about my feelings on my blog. sometimes i wonder if my blog is my therapist.

life is funny sometimes. and by funny, i mean heartbreaking, frustrating, lovely, and terrifying. among other things. that's all.

he's here.

...and he's the best ever you guys.  

i can't believe he used to live in my tummy. he's got these crazy long legs that he's always kicking and i recognize them. i recognize his kicks from when he was inside of me!

what a weird world.

and he's got this dark hair. when i first saw him it was curly and my heart leapt with excitement.
i've always wanted a curly haired baby.

then i washed his hair. it was silky smooth.
i guess when babies get uterus gunk on their hair it sometimes gets a little curly...

now i wouldn't trade his sweet soft locks for all the curls in the world.

his eyes sometimes look brown to me, and then the next moment
i think they could be green like his father's.
i'd swoon at him either way. 

i think he looks like gid so much (minus his coloring which obvs comes from my side), 

and gid is so handsome. look out, little girls.
there's a storm heading your way and his name is teddy.

i'm so in love. so overwhelmed. so medicated.

i feel like i'm in a weird alternate reality where pumping milk out of my body is a thing, and watching decent television is not.

i also feel like these are my moments and they're slipping away so quickly already, so i sleep with him on my chest more often than i'm sure the books would suggest. 

he's just so cuddly.
are all babies this cuddly?

i'll take 10 more just like this one, please.

every day he looks a little different.
i love that and hate it at the same time.

he adores gideon. he adores me too, but there's something about his daddy that puts him at ease.
it's like they knew each other all along.

you guys, this is my baby.
his name is theodore michael tolman, but i call him teddy.

teddy tolman.
i'm sure he'd say it's nice to meet you.

in case you were wondering...

the baby isn't here yet.

my due date was two days ago.

it's fine, i feel great, and i'm not too uncomfortable, and i know most first time mammas go past their due date. i expected it.

but- you know- it'd be just great with me if he got here sooner than later.

i never got around to booking a maternity photographer, which is a shame since i have some crazy talented photographer friends. up until the third trimester i thought i had all the time in the world to schedule a shoot, and then i don't know what happened- it was like one day i was six months along, feeling good about how i looked with plenty of clothes to wear, and the next day i'd had an unfortunate haircut, was a bit puffy, and due any minute. time flies when you're having fun i guess?

i really meant to take maternity pictures not when i was full term so i could look back and pretend that i was one of those girls that is thin throughout her pregnancy. next time i'll do better.

anyway, gid took a few snapshots so we could remember what i looked like with our first baby in my tummy.

isn't he talented? can you believe how lucky i am?

anyway. i've had several sweet friends text/email me asking if teddy is here yet, because i've been a little mia on my blog (family in town- no time for computers!!). 

he's not. he's coming. i promise.
thanks for checking in on me, friends. xo

taco bell & life being weird.

life is weird. i was thinking about that the other day. 

it's weird how the goofy boy who wrote me a love letter in elementary school (to which i never responded because "like, ewwww...") is now successful and good looking, and the popular boy that i had a weird crush on in high school is now kind of a... someone i wouldn't have a crush on. it's weird how time gives you perspective.

it's weird that i met gid the way that i did, and that we became friends and then better friends and then best best best friends. it's weird that the boy who was so dear to me as a friend, the boy who i'd go on double dates with (me with my date, and him with his), is now the boy that i love like i've never loved anyone else in the whole wide world. (move over then nerdy now handsome elementary boy- you could never hold a candle to my sweet gid.)

i found this picture in my phone from a lunch we had in dublin (when we were super jet lagged and worn out) and i love it so much. i want to blow it up poster sized, put it on my wall and kiss it goodnight.

i don't have to do that though, because i get to go to sleep with the real thing. sigh. so lucky.

it's weird how we're having a tiny baby. soon. it's weird how i feel him all the time inside of me; how he's literally a piece of who i am. it's weird how we're going to meet him soon.
ps- teddy is totally grounded when he gets out- he's bruising me from the inside out.

it's weird, the people i met in college that changed my life. it's weird that i started taking dance seriously in college and that wound me up in an MFA program in salt lake city.

it's weird how scary making choices were at the time; which undergrad/grad school to go to, who to date, who to marry, where to move, what position to take. because it all worked out so well. it's weird that the jobs i've had throughout my life have been exactly perfect for that season of my life. how did i get so lucky? how could everything have possibly worked out so well for me? not that it was perfect every moment of the way. goodness knows some days are better than others. still though.

so the fact that we have so many changes coming in the next few weeks shouldn't freak me out, right? having a baby coming is stressful enough, but there's more changes coming than a new member of our family. most days i'm okay, but sometimes i'm really just not.

today is my last day of work until further notice. i worked up into week 39, but it feels like i'm leaving much too early. i'm totally bummed about it, but i also think i'm just scared of what leaving my job represents.

i've been compensating nerves and stress with snow cones and taco bell. poor teddy. his first word is going to be "cha-lu-pa".

that's who i am this week. that's what i've resorted to: fast food, and sugar. 

and i really really shouldn't. because it's all going to be okay. just like it's always been. in hindsight i'll look back and chuckle at how scared i was; how many crunchwrap supremes i consumed at the end of my first pregnancy.

it's all going to be okay. just like it's always been.

it's all going to be okay.
it's all going to be okay.
it's all going to be okay.

37 weeks.

this is it: june.
the month teddy is due.
he's full term.
i'm in denial, guys.

did i mention we're moving into a bigger apartment two weeks before my due date?
did i mention i really want to get my hair cut and get a pedicure this week?
did i mention my mamma is coming and i'm just so so happy about it?

teddy loves it when I eat snow cones.
sweet little sugar baby.

i had an appointment yesterday and my doctor told me if i want to be induced at 39 weeks she can arrange it. it freaked me out a little. i'm anticipating that i'll carry late like most first time mammas, (which also scares me), but i've also heard that inducing raises the likelihood of a longer labor and possibility of a c section. this stuff is crazy. how do you choose?

the other day a lady came into the store expecting twins and we had the same due date and were practically the same size. i really tried hard not to compare, but i had a thin smile on for about an hour after she left.

he's either in my lungs or on my bladder, so i'm always either gasping or limping to the bathroom. a lot of the time it's uncomfortable. he has hiccups all the time, sometimes twice in a day (that i notice). also heartburn is the worst.

i love ice cream and milkshakes more than i ever have in my life. also i love netflix. i don't feel guilty about it- i feel like my love affair with television won't last much longer...

i've been crazy emotional lately. lots of big, fat tears over things like missing battery chargers, or running out of toilet paper mid bathroom break. ("what did i ever do to deserve this??")

this cute girl at my work wore the most darling dress the other day and i loved it so much that i immediately went to the store to buy it. (HAHAHAHAHAHA.) 

so i'm thinking people aren't kidding when they say nothing will ever fit the same again. even the thought of the dress without my belly couldn't convince me to buy it.

instead, i bought some maxi dresses with elastic waistbands (like the one pictured above) that aren't technically maternity, but they feel great. it makes me so happy to buy clothes that i can wear after he comes.

i didn't know my thighs were capable of this much cellulite. isn't it funny how you don't appreciate the great things you have till they're gone? my pre pregnancy thighs were the bomb. i gotta love myself more in the present.

in our birth class tonight we're doing a hospital tour. can you believe it?

here's to you, week 38!

packing the hospital bag.

i finally went to target and picked up some things for the hospital. i still haven't picked out a "diaper bag", but i'm not worried. i feel like i have about ten thousand bags right now and if for some reason i don't purchase one that i can officially call my diaper bag, it'll all work out just fine. 

this take home outfit for teddy makes my heart melt. i just know he's going to blow out all over it 2 minutes before we leave the hospital, but i still like him. bamboo swaddles- one of our top sellers at babinskis, and i've heard feel you can never have enough. i have friends who've recommended essential oils for relaxation, so i added those in as well. the rest of the things i picked up were mostly toiletries; facial wipes, lip balm, travel sized shampoo, conditioner, body wash. toothpaste and tooth brush. threw in the camera and some candies and grabbed a soft oversized maxi dress that i'm okay with getting ruined. i'm thinking about buying this robe off etsy, because it's cute. i also put in a nice towel and pillow from home.

anything i'm missing friends? i feel like i've bought a lot, but i also feel like there's a million things i probably have forgotten... 

help.

yesterday.

my mood has been pretty average over the past 8 months, (with the exception of feeling chubby once in a while). no major breakdowns. no crazy fits full of tears. no lashing out over a lack of ice cream in the house. gid kept saying "you're so... normal when you're pregnant. it's great!"

not yesterday.

yesterday i caught myself crying every few hours and i couldn't figure out why. i think the biggest reason is that i really can't sleep comfortably anymore, and i'm just so tired.

i think part of it is because the baby is coming and i've started getting really irrationally worried that i might drop him on accident or something like that.

i think part of it is because we're due for a move soon (we've been living in student housing for too long) and the thought of more change on top of a baby is crazy overwhelming these days. my friend was telling me how it's instinctive for mothers to want to stay in one familiar place when they're pregnant/have a new baby. like cats. apparently they refuse to give birth in an unfamiliar place or move when their babies are still tiny little kittens. that made me feel a little better. i'm like a cat.

i think part of it is that i'm scared of how bad it's going to hurt. my birthing class shows us videos of women who are gently whimpering during the worst part of labor. i feel like a kid who's about to get tricked at the dentist's office (this won't hurt at all, we're just going to pull a few teeth out, and then we'll give you a sucker, we promise....").
ps- did anyone else's childhood dentist traumatize them?

i think part of it is that i know this part of my life is slowly coming to an end, and while i'm wildly excited, i'm terrified at the same time, and feeling like i won't get to say goodbye in time. i like being able to go run errands and get ice cream anytime. i like living by my own schedule. i like having gid all to myself.

would i trade it for teddy? totally.
i'm just thinking i'll miss it a little sometimes.

if you're wondering, today i haven't been crying.
i've been trying to sleep.

35 weeks.

can you believe how far we've gotten? wild.

sometimes late at night when teddy is restless i hum songs to him and he calms down. it's probably a coincidence but it makes me really like him. what a little sweetheart.

gideon did a load of laundry for me and i should've been like, "thank you, that's so sweet," but instead i was like, "terrific. now nothing will ever fit me again."

first thing i'm eating after labor is a freaking lunchable. i don't know why i never thought lunchmeat sounded good before teddy moved in.

i'm due on the 26th of june, but i keep telling myself the baby probably isn't coming until july; i have a feeling he wants to cook a little longer than the doctor says. 

i feel like i pretend to sleep at night.

when i just wrote that i realized that i'm probably having my best sleep right now for the next 2 years. dangit.

i'm 5 pounds over the maximum that i thought i'd gain. whatever. cupcakes for everyone. i'm tired of apologizing to myself lately.

sometimes i wish netflix would just assume that  "YES I DO want to watch the next episode, and please don't make me get up to confirm."

this week we put up the crib. we're putting the car seat in. i'm packing my hospital bag. i feel like it's really going to happen, and at the same time feel like there's no way it's ever happening.

my back aches constantly. if gid randomly told me today that he wanted to become a chiropractor i'd be all for it.

i haven't thrown up in over a week you guys. 35 weeks must be my charm. i don't care, i'll take it! i love not throwing up so much.

can everyone send good vibes that a 2 bedroom will open up in our apartment complex? the odds are slim to none but i'm determined to be optimistic.

telling him.

i know that we're a lot closer to mother's day than father's day 

(what i was originally saving this clip for), but i just couldn't help myself.

every so often when gid has a bum day, or if he's nervous/stressed about work or life, i sit him down and give him a pep talk where i insist he repeat everything i say to him. i mostly do it to make him laugh and feel better about himself, because he's the best ever, and the thought of him not believing that for a second is unacceptable.

as you can imagine, this pep talk had a bonus surprise in it.

enjoy sweet friends.

i love how when i have him say "someday i'm gonna be the best dad" the first and second time, he really has no idea what's coming. i'd always make him say that in my pep talks, even when we weren't trying to get pregnant. 

           

can you believe this sweet face?
i'm so in love.

rainy days and scales.

hey. i had a weird day.

yesterday i was crazy sluggish and took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day after a full nights rest. when i woke up i realized teddy hadn't been kicking for a several hours (which is why i was able to sleep...) and went into a teary frenzy of looking things up online, eating lots of sweets and playing obnoxious music next to my belly. of course it all turned out to be fine, i just couldn't believe how quick and easy it was for me to lose it.

today it was rainy, which i normally love.
today i didn't love it.

on a regular day, i'd open all the windows, pick a book to read, (ok, who am i kidding- these days, i'd def just turn on netflix...) and lounge the day away while i eat cold cereal with socks on. lounging is a lot less fun when negotiating a new uncomfortable body. i've been doing this thing where all movements revolve around my belly. i take breaks just walking from one end of the apartment to another. i pee constantly. i feel bad about the way i look.

and i'm super ashamed. not about my belly so much as the fact that i'm not enjoying this the way i thought i would. i thought i would rock at being pregnant. i don't. and it annoys me. i really wanted to be good at this.

to be fair, some days i'm better at it than others. today is a weird day.

i finally stepped on the scale tonight (why would you do such a thing, alyssa?!) and scowled first at the number, and then at myself for scowling. sometimes i try to imagine myself as a separate person. if my best friend were pregnant and confided in me the number of pounds i've gained, i'd give her a hug and insist we go eat ice cream to celebrate. if she told me she felt fat, i'd roll my eyes and tell her she needed to take some crazy pills. if she told me how badly she wanted to be one of those girls that loses the weight like five minutes after the baby comes, i'd frown and think it was a really sad; how she wasn't enjoying her perfect little bump and the sweet bounces within while it lasts. especially since i also knew she'd wanted this more than anything. i'd feel a little annoyed and sorry for her, but i wouldn't say it out loud; i wouldn't want to set her off, since i know she's on edge these days . geez. i kinda sound like a frienemy...

ugh. it's so cliche, always being dissatisfied with the scale. so boring. predictable. like a bad sitcom from the 90s. if you have a subconscious need to be dissatisfied, let's start with the list of classic literature you haven't finished. be bummed that your photography could be better, or that you're done with grad school even though you feel like you have more to learn. you don't get to be sad that you're gaining weight while in the process of GROWING A PERSON.

let's try something new, alyssa. let's try to not be so textbook. you're making me yawn and roll my eyes, which is crazy when it happens at the same time. boring. next.

i'm tired.
i think i'll just go to sleep and try to do better tomorrow.

paranoia and not being able to breathe and other stuff.

his favorite spot lately is right in my lungs. i really don't love it. it was so nice when he was small enough to fit back in a little office in my belly where i couldn't feel him practicing tai chi ALL DAY.

i have a pregnancy app on my phone that sent me an article about a week ago titled "signs of premature labor". it listed a bunch of symptoms i've def been experiencing on and off over the past few days. why do i read these things?! i've been laying down a lot lately, even though i know i'm over reacting. braxton hicks shouldn't hurt, right?

this time last year, i was finishing my MFA. it makes me feel a little old, and a little like, "huh. what have you accomplished since then?" **

gid works so hard, and is so good at everything he does. sometimes i feel a little peanut butter and jealous, but mostly i'm just really proud of him and especially proud that he's my hubby. pbj sounds really good right now ps.

i'm homesick.

my shopping momentum has gone back down to an all time low. i think i'll just figure out if i need it after teddy comes and then buy it. i'm worried i'll jinx myself and will need all the stuff i'm waiting on and then will have to spend a million dollars all at once.

while i was out of town gid made a special baby section in our room, and bought diapers and baby laundry detergent. i'm still trying to figure out if he's real.

i knew my tummy would get big, but i didn't realize how hard it would get. it kinda bugs me that my abs have never been this firm, even when i was a gymnast and had a six pack for like five minutes. whatever.

i thought i was done throwing up, but i was wrong. at least it's down to about once a week. not bad at all.

we bought a really nice recliner and decided to put it into our living room while we wait to get into a two bedroom. when i saw how badly it threw off the perfect symmetry of our living room furniture i cried for about 10 minutes. i didn't realize how important symmetry in that room was to me.

we got our tax return back. last year we used it to pay for a trip to europe. this year we'll probably use it to buy a stroller or something else for teddy. isn't that wild?

** to be fair, in the last year i did finalize and publish my thesis, got to go on a few awesome vacations, and get to have a sweet little baby do jumping jacks in my belly. it's uncomfortable, but i can't believe my luck.

weekend wishlist.

oh, hey. just a few things i've been drooling over:

1. solly baby wrap- to hold teddy in all summer long! when i was helping my sister with her newborn i used this all the time, and now i want one in every color.

2. anthro skirt- i'm waiting for this to go on sale, and then clearance. and then super clearance if possible...

3. petunia bag-this tailored tote is so cute, right? i wish they made it with a longer strap... 

4. saltwater sandals-i wore these when i was little, and i think i'm ready for them again.

5. elephant teether-we sell finn and emma at babinskis and i think this is the sweetest little wooden teether they have.

6. bugaboo donkey-you know when you see something and love it, and then convince yourself that you need it, even when you probably really don't? welcome to my relationship with the bugaboo donkey.

7. usborne books-have you guys seen these? they're crazy cute and have a ton of variety. i still need to sit down and decide which ones exactly i need in teddy's library. i have a friend who sells them (along with some darling tote bags) if you're interested!

8. pretzel teether-i mean, really? who doesn't want this for their baby?

9. sonnet james dress

this one is sold out right now, but surely it'll come back soon, right? i need to go on a diet...

so, if you had all the money in the world, which of these would you want the most? 

all of them? me too...

today.

today i'm thinking i've gotta cut my hair.
maybe this week. okay, maybe this month.
... for sure before the baby comes.
my hair has been so weird for the past several months.

i have lots of important stuff i need to get for teddy, but all i really want are swimsuits and hats for the beach. we don't have a beach trip planned, but tiny trunks for a baby born in the summer seem essential to me.

i'm starting to think that we're never going to get into a two bedroom. and if we don't i think we're putting teddy in our closet. that's cool, right? kinda like harry potter...
we're so trendy.

i just got back from visiting my sister for 2 weeks. i'm happy to be home, but i'm super sad that i don't get to hang out with them 24/7 anymore. the morning after i left, mimi told me that she called down to me twice (since she sleeps on the top bunk and i sleep on the bottom bunk) but i wasn't there. her eyes had fat tears in them. i wanted to cry too. i hate them living on the other side of the country.

i took that glucose test (the crazy sugary drink to test if you have gestational diabetes) and finished it no problem. it kinda worried me how impressed the lab tech was, but my doc called and said that my blood is all sorts of normal. nailed it.

i think baby hiccups are sweet but they give gid the willies. every time i tell him the baby has them he rushes over and puts his hand firmly against my midsection and asks teddy if he's okay with a concerned voice. it's sweet, right?

i think i'm going to eat some cold cereal and take a nap. thursdays are the best.

and by best, i mean the sleepiest.

teddy's nursery inspiration

guess what? in less than two weeks i can say teddy is coming "next month".

that is more than fifty shades of cray, you guys.

i've been looking around for nursery inspiration for a while, but a few things have really stuck out to me. i've been a little more minimalist (wishful thinking?) in my shopping habits, but we've managed to purchase most of the bedding and decor for teddy's nursery.

we're leaning on gray and brown neutral tones with hints of blue.

i liked these photos from this website. what do you think?

the crib, dresser and recliner we purchased are all different from the ones in these photos, but the color scheme (and feel) is similar. i'm on the hunt for a mobile i like that isn't too out of our price range.

i like these two, but i'm having a hard time committing to one of them.

and isn't this little plane to die for? sigh. oh money...

anyway, still lots we've got to get done. it's fun to window shop though, wouldn't you say?

what's your favorite decorative thing in your nursery?

first week home.

it seems like the first few days home from the hospital are the longest.

the hours creep by, and yet are somehow filled with things like nursing sessions, burping, spitting up, laundry, and changing sweet little diapers. 

if you're lucky perhaps you get a nap or a snack here or there. 

i like to think someday when my sister's family look back at pictures like these they'll somehow forget how tired we were when we took them; only that they were the sweet beginning hours of a new addition to a sweet family.

"look how much he loves me!" mimi said, right before i snapped this shot.

sometimes life is just the sweetest, you know?

30 weeks.

i cropped my face out of this so you couldn't
tell how hard i was trying to suck in....

i have ten more weeks left. it sounds like a really long time.

i've hit that point in my pregnancy where complete strangers feel comfortable asking me when i'm due. i shouldn't feel weird about it, but i always am really tempted to play dumb like i don't have a 7 month baby inside of me. (what, this bump?)

we haven't bought a stroller yet because i convinced myself that i want a different one now (ahem, that costs twice as much as the one we were looking at originally...) now i'm thinking maybe i never want to buy a stroller ever.

i don't have stretch marks yet, but i can tell they're coming. maybe after teddy comes i'll throw a party mourning the beautiful smooth skin on my belly i used to have but never appreciated.

we registered for a birthing class. is that what you call it? i forget the name of it, but it cost more than i thought it would (annoying) and they encourage you to bring snacks (less annoying).

i went a whole week without throwing up. it was such a good week.

sometimes my computer is my best friend. i use it to watch tv, research weird baby facts, and wake up from naps with it next to me on the bed. gid gets annoyed/jealous sometimes. (why is there a computer where your husband is supposed to be!?) he's hid it on more than one occasion. i still like him a lot.

teddy moves like crazy lately, and he's getting bigger. i used to be able to feel him very specifically in the lower or higher part of my belly. now i feel him in both. always. he punches upstairs, kicks downstairs, and does somersaults before bedtime that throw me into weird positions, startling everyone around me. it's weird having a human in you.

i miss my family today really badly. i never in a million years thought i'd say this, but i wish we all lived on the same block in texas. we would have dinner parties, go swimming in the backyard and eat snow cones all day and it would be so so fun.

you guys, i'm starting to get nervous about the whole delivery thing. it sounds like it hurts really bad. sometimes i worry about how little i know about babies and having babies. (like for instance-- one of my co-workers was warning me about the skin in your nether-region sometimes TEARING DURING BIRTH? i almost cried. and did you know that breastfeeding is unspeakably painful at first for some mammas? and did you know that you get all puffy and swollen when the baby comes, and sometimes you STAY puffy and swollen for weeks after the delivery?? why am i hearing about this only now?!)

i think there's more stuff people want to warn me about, but they don't want to freak me out even more. i want to go to sleep, but my brain is too awake thinking about it. nightmares.

brand new.

i feel like there's never been such a sweet baby in the history of the world.

of course, that's not the first time i've said this. when i held my first nephew for the first time i fell in love just as quickly. every time i hold a new baby i'm instantly wrapped around their tiny fingers, i can't help it. don't even get me started on my nieces.

  (what's that, little baby? you insist on crying unless i bounce in a very specific way making a shushing sound every 7.3 seconds ALL NIGHT LONG? i don't care if i can't stand up straight in the morning-- if it keeps you happy, i'll do it.) 

what is it about a brand new little baby that makes your heart melt? goodness those sweet little quivering lips kill me. the velvet soft skin. the nuzzles. !! the nuzzles! 

i can't handle it. i can't handle the sweetness of being an aunt. can you imagine how obsessed with my own baby i'm going to be? it's going to be nuts. look out world.

my baby keeps kicking me,
so i'm going to go to bed.