it's okay to not love this part. or, newborns are hard.

hi. i hope your week is going better than mine.

my week has been unusually gloomy; mostly because of dark clouds that have kept the natural light in our home at an all time low. i'm regretting not having more recessed lighting installed. i didn't realize how solar powered i can be.

that thing they say about mothers (and fathers) forgetting about the difficult parts of early parenthood quickly is so true. i forgot what it feels like to be this exhausted.

not "sleepy", or "tired," or "i just need a quick nap to refresh myself" tired. no, i'm talking about full on new mama exhaustion. "i haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row for over a month" exhaustion. "this is worse than jetlag, because at least with jetlag there isn't a small person literally sucking energy out of me," exhaustion.

i forgot how that newborn scream starts to really get to you after a while. i forgot about leaking breasts, and the disappointment of trying to squeeze into jeans too early, and being afraid that exercising will hurt.

i forgot about how little appetite i have during this time; how hard it is to find the motivation to eat more than crushed ice, (am i alone here? that's all i want.) and how when you do find something that looks good to eat, it gives your baby gas, and then that poor little newborn scream that makes you want to bash your head against the wall starts up again.

i've been trying to teach teddy not to holler at me when he wants something. trying to keep my own voice calm, i'll say, "hey. do we scream at mama?" to which he responds (usually sullenly) "no." today, in the middle of a colicky scream, teddy calmly said to vivienne "hey vivi. do we scream at mama?" 
he's a good boy.

last night i took him to chick-fil-a for a little one on one time (because it's close to our house, we're basic, and that's okay), and he was thrilled to have all of my attention. he smiled and waved at strangers, (way out of his character, since he's such a shy little boy), and at one point he gleefully yelled "we love food!!!!" at the top of his lungs, making several people look over at us and chuckle.

it's true. we do love food.

it was such a fun date, just him and me. but after we'd eaten our chicken, and finished climbing up and down the slides, my chest started feeling full and heavy, and i imagined gideon rocking a crying one month old after a long day of work during the busiest part of the year for him. i sighed, and told teddy we needed to head home. the happy smile left his face for a moment, and then returned when he said, "we need to go see that dada, and that vivi." he bounded off towards the door, still happy and cheerful; more than i could say for myself, because i knew what kind of a night i was in for, and i'm just not in love with all of the parts of the newborn stage.

it's true-- this stage has mostly beautiful parts to it. those tiny little flinchy smiles. the curled up toes. that feeling of a newborn melted onto your chest perfectly. the snores! oh, i love the snores. that feeling when they finally, finally fall asleep after what feels like hours and hours of rocking, and you get to lay your own head down. i love being a mom so much more than i ever could've anticipated.

it's hard though. it's not all perfect, and there are times you want to rip your hair out, or punch a hole in the wall, particularly when you're under slept. and that's okay. (as long as you don't actually punch a hole in the wall, because that gets expensive real quick.) the downs make the ups higher, i think.

when i look back on teddy as a newborn, i don't remember it being perfect. there's one vivid memory i have in particular; gideon finding me in the living room around 4 in the morning, tears streaming from my eyes as i rocked a crying teddy exhaustedly. as gid took one month old teddy into his arms and gently told me to go to bed, i remember whispering in broken sobs "i can't do it." over and over. i meant that i couldn't get teddy to go to sleep, but i think i also meant i couldn't be a good mom. looking back, it seems so desperately pathetic, but that's how it gets sometimes.

i could keep writing about this, but i'm just going to finish with three thoughts:

1. this part is hard. and that's okay.

2. i don't like it all the time. and that's okay too. i can be a good mom without loving every second of motherhood.

3. we love food.

happy wednesday friends.
xo

the first month. or, things that have been different this time around.

as i sit here typing, she's napping on my chest letting out a soft, high pitched snore. i forgot about these tiny baby snores.
i forgot about a lot of those first things.

a month has already passed. i'm not sure how.

around this time when we had teddy, we were moving from salt lake to boise, and the task of adjusting to life with a newborn, paired with recovering from a c section and packing/unpacking our lives was almost more than i could bear. i remember my face being sticky with tears for weeks. it was miserable.

maybe that's why this time around it feels like the days have flown by. adjusting to life with vivienne hasn't been perfect, and i look like a train wreck 100% of the time, but there have been far less hurdles along the way.

she nurses non-stop, you guys. when we took her to the doctor for her one week visit and she was weighed, our nurse looked at me with an surprised expression and said, "wow. have you had any break from breastfeeding?" i tried to smile, but i looked at her with dead eyes and shook my head no. we're starting to set boundaries, but it's hard to say no to a tiny baby, you know?

teddy has exceeded all expectation in his adjustment to her. when she cries, he tells her it's okay. he says goodnight to her at bedtime without being asked. he'll bring me burp cloths and diapers for her happily.

he's also started asking if his toy cars can have "mommy milk" and tries to gently place them in my shirt. like i said, we're working on boundaries over here.

she loves being held, and i let her rest on my lap or on my chest more often than i probably should. it means nothing gets done around the house, but i think that's okay. she's happiest when gid holds her. daddy's girl from the start.

the kids have yet to nap at the same time. one of them always wants to be held. (vivi mostly, obviously.) i used to sing a few songs to teddy during nap time and bedtime, but he's recently started asking me to please leave him alone. man, it stings.

it's cold outside, which means we don't get enough fresh air. i took that for granted with teddy being born in july. we made a point of going for a walk, or getting out of the house much more often than we have this time around. i've never looked more forward to spring.

her hair is still this warm auburn color. i can't believe she's mine.

happy january, friends.
xo

lasts and firsts

i was 41 weeks plus a few days pregnant, and i'd tried all the old wives tales. we'd gone for a bumpy ride up the mountain. i drank that tea they say helps labor along. i was doing 300 squats a day and went on long walks. there's more, but you get the picture.

every time i'd do a load of laundry, or wash the dishes, or go run errands, i'd excitedly think to myself, "i wonder if this is the last time i'll do this thing before she comes." the last time i'll go to church with one child, or the last time i'll wash my hair before i have two kids. the last time i'll put fresh sheets on my bed. it was the most absurd, chore oriented countdown. in fact, the night before she came, after i finished singing teddy songs about trucks, cars, helicopters, and excavators, i had this gut feeling that this was the last time i'd lean over his bed, give him a kiss, and tell him that i thought he was wonderful before i had two kids. i ignored the feeling, (because i'd had it before around 38 weeks) but this time it was right. i woke up to contractions in the morning not realizing that i'd deliver her in a few short hours.



and now she's here. and i just keep catching myself thinking excitedly about all the firsts. my first time drinking a milkshake with two kids. my first time going out of the house by myself with two kids (it was less than a five minute trip to get a bag of sonic ice because i miss hospital ice right now). our first time reading bedtime stories-- with two kids! everything feels like i should take a picture. everything feels special. (except the miserable things-- my first post delivery poop {almost as scary as labor}, my first painful breastfeeding latch, my first time watching my toddler melt down because i can't give him exclusive attention the way i used to... etc.)


it probably sounds ridiculous to read (it feels a little ridiculous to write), but this is a crazy magical time for our little family. falling asleep and waking up to twinkle lights (the perfect soft light for middle of the night feedings). having friends and family checking in on me constantly with loving messages and presents. kissing my little boy to sleep, and then immediately cuddling my less than week old baby girl. watching my husband hold her and falling in love with him all over again. seeing her twitchy, newborn smiles. magic.

happy december, friends.

ps- i promise i'm going to announce her name soon- we've just had a really hard time nailing it down this time. xo

this time around.

i'm in my 31st week, and the minutes are creeping by at a glacial pace. so many things have been different this time around. the biggest thing (and i reaalllllyyy should've seen this coming more than i did) is that being pregnant with a toddler is exponentially more exhausting than it ever could've been with just myself.

when i was expecting with teddy, i remember towards the end of my pregnancy people would say things like, "bet you're ready for him to come out, huh?" i didn't feel that way at all. i didn't enjoy being pregnant, but i didn't feel an urgency to get him out of my body. i'd pat my belly and think, "you just stay in there until you're ready, buddy." he did, too. when they finally pulled him out via emergency c section, the doctor said that he was reaching towards my abdomen as though to say, "no, no! put me back!" homebody from the start.

this time around, i'm feeling a little more anxious for delivery. my belly feels heavier than i remember with teddy. the skin feels thinner too- like i'm stretching faster than it can accommodate. i get light headed and sometimes even see stars when i push myself past the exertion of an easeful walk which sounds dramatic, but it's true. teddy is starting to be too heavy for me to carry for more than a few minutes (happy we decided to buy a good stroller) and headaches have been a daily issue. i miss feeling strong enough to hold my little boy for more than a few minutes, or feeling up for a jog, or not finding myself taking a 3 hour nap randomly on a saturday. i don't recognize myself pregnant; inside or out.

this time around, my hormones are just bananas. i cry because teddy is getting too big, or because he's growing out of his clothes. i cry because we're out of butter, and i just made toast. i cry because i slightly scuffed up our hardwood floors. i cry because a tylenol commercial moves me. you name it- i'm crying. 

this time around, i feel like i've hardly bought anything. when i was expecting teddy, i was working at a charming baby boutique in salt lake, and would buy things every few days. most of the tiniest clothes i bought for teddy were gender neutral, so i feel like it's fine. i may or may not go on a crazy panicked shopping spree a few days before i have her.

this time around, i'm so much more comfortable in the role of being a mother. i remember when i was expecting teddy having anxiety that i wouldn't love him as much as i should, or i wouldn't be a good mom, or i'd be dying to get back into the workforce, and would regret the decision to start our family. of course i had no idea how hard it would be, that nights would pass where i'd cry quietly for hours because he was refusing to sleep, or how difficult breastfeeding would be, or how awful recovering from a c section would be, especially after moving states to a third floor loft-- but now i do. i've been so shocked to discover how much i love being at home with teddy, and how much better and happier a mom i am than i imagined (obviously i suck very much some days, but it's better than i thought i'd be so i'm putting it in the win pile). don't get me wrong-- having a second baby is so intimidating, and i'm scared, but this time around, i feel like i have enough of a heads up as to what i'm taking on that i can look forward to it more.

this time around, i get emotional thinking about teddy feeling replaced or overshadowed. does this get easier? i can't imagine it getting easier. he's been our whole world for 2 years, and i feel like there's a meteor coming his way and he doesn't have a clue. i can't wait to see what this little girl is like- i just kind of want him to myself without distractions for a couple more months than i have sometimes, you know? and i think he'd feel the same way if he really comprehended what was coming.

xo

what i learned at church today.

it had been a rough day already and we hadn't even gotten out of bed. you know the kind of mornings i'm talking about, right?

sundays are tough for me in general, but this one was bad. we'd all had a tough night. gid is under the weather, teddy's 2 year molars are coming in, and i have a baby living inside of me who makes me vomit in the morning, nauseous during the day, and whose favorite time to kick box is from hours 2 a.m. - 6 am.

my gut told me we should skip church. my gut told me to go to our favorite breakfast cafe and order all the bacon they had available, but i convinced myself to slip on a dress, wipe the sleep from my dry eyes, and wrestle an agile toddler out of his pajamas and into a comfortable simple church outfit.

my belly was feeling heavier than normal as we walked into the chapel (2 minutes early, thank you very much!) and as teddy realized that we wouldn't be going to the room full of toys, he began to softly protest and whimper.

a woman who i've never talked to before sitting in front of us turned around with an eyebrow raised and said with a scoff, "what? how can he already be pouting? we haven't even started yet!"

there were so many things i wanted to say. i wanted to tell her that i'd gotten less than 5 hours of sleep for the past several nights in a row, and i was this close to serial murder status. i wanted to tell her that teddy is teething and shy, and doesn't like being in crowded places surrounded by people he's unfamiliar with. i wanted to ask her what on earth possessed her to think that making an obvious statement about the mood of my toddler was a good idea, when she could've easily just said "hi," or smiled, or literally just kept her head facing forward and done nothing. no, she felt like it would be a good idea to ask me, a young mother she'd never met before how a small teething toddler could already be pouting, while at church. hey lady- have you met a toddler before? what normal toddler likes church? (anyone who writes a comment about their perfect kid who loves church will be blocked indefinitely. get outta here.)

the hormones kicked in, and i went from "ugh sunday" to "someone get me a machete livid" in a millisecond.

i didn't say any of the things that were sitting on the edge of my tongue. i gave her a tired, thin smile, and said, "well, he's a little boy," and then smiled at teddy, completely aware that this strange woman was talking about him, and said gently, "that's just fine, sweetheart. sometimes i don't want to be at church either." the woman turned around irritated, as though my response was the height of rudeness.

any other day, i'd roll my eyes and move on. not today. i had a lump in my throat the rest of the meeting. of course this week was the one where gid plays the organ and we sit alone, and of course anytime teddy made a sound the woman would give side eye and whisper to her husband, and at one point tears just started spilling out of my eyes, not because of what the woman said or thought, but because i was that tired, and i knew we should've gone the non-church bacon route this morning! i knew it!!

i spent the rest of the meeting in my own thoughts, pondering the many, many times i've said something that i thought could be funny, and when it came out of my mouth, i realized it was just rude. i thought about how many times i might've been that person; the one who just really puts a dark cloud on your day for almost no reason without recognizing it. i thought about how skilled people can be at wearing masks, and how you really never know what kind of a morning or day someone's had, and how it's always a good idea to be kind no matter what. i thought about what a champ teddy is for tolerating church meetings and how proud i am of him. i thought about how in the future, i need to follow my heart when it tells me to get bacon instead of going to church. bacon never judges you, or scoffs at your emotional toddler. bacon feeds your toddler and makes him happy. 

always go the bacon route, alyssa.

i'll never forget what today felt like. i'll never forget sitting in a pew, back aching, belly kicking, tears streaming down my face, with a crying toddler begging to go see the room with the cars. i'll never forget how bacon has never sounded more delicious or righteous than it did today. and the next time i see a tired mom with a cranky kid in target, or at the park, or at the airport, or at church, i'll remember how much it means to have someone in your corner on a day when you. have. just. had it.

thumper's mom was so right when she said "if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all."
anyway, that's what i learned at church today.
xo

lately.

she's moving constantly. i remember when teddy was around this size getting so worried when i wouldn't feel movement for a few hours. i remember getting lumps in my throat and putting sugary things into my body and then laying down as still as i could, and silently hoping for the tiniest flutter. not this time around. she's always on the move. no sugar rush necessary.

i have that condition where you're sick your entire pregnancy. when i feel myself getting sick, i tell teddy i need to go cough and to give me some privacy, and he waits sadly by the bathroom door anxiously calling out "all done??" until i come out with a forced cheerful reply that i've finished. it's heartbreaking to see him uncomfortable for me. such a protective little bear.

the other day a stranger was telling me how she missed being pregnant; how she felt so feminine and attractive and special and alive and womanly, and i just stared into space, thinking how much i love my babies even though pregnancy, for me, is physically and emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, and how that's okay. i can be miserable, and still be thrilled to be expecting.

on the bad days i try to remind myself of when we wanted to get pregnant so badly the first time around, and i list ways it could be worse. it helps to soften the exhaustion and frustration.

sleep escapes me. i've never been a great sleeper (until around 2 am, when i suddenly get really good at it) but pregnancy really brings out the insomniac in me. it's hard to be motivated to go to sleep at a reasonable hour when my brain is so desperate to be alert during the rare hours of the night that i have just to myself.

lately teddy is on a breakfast meat craze. he's constantly asking for sausage, bacon or pepperoni. i'm half proud ('cause i love meat too, kiddo!), and half nervous for what's coming in his next diaper.

the past few weeks he's been more clingy than usual. he senses there's something coming, and it's making him uneasy. i've been clingier than usual with him too. neither of us are good with change.

xo

ps- girl names are hard.

things i'm grateful for today:

i'm writing this from bed, half typing, half watching teddy drift awake from his nap from the view of his nursery monitor. he's so happy to be home. i've told you what a homebody he is, haven't i? his best, happiest mornings are the ones when we've just come home from out of town the night before. he cheerfully inspects his things that we didn't bring, making sure that all his books and toys are in place. he sporadically runs to me several times during the day, wrapping his arms around my neck and smacking his lips on my cheek. home is his favorite, and it's starting to become mine too. he's turning me into a mama homebody.

my heart has been bursting the past few days. i miss my family so much during the summer months. on our road trip home (when i get my best pondering in) i was thinking how lucky i am to have a family that i miss, and not one that i can't stand.

we came home last night to our creaky old house, and as we walked in, i immediately noticed how much better the kitchen looks now that i've finally installed the hardware to our kitchen cabinets. (don't ask me why that was so hard to check off the list- it literally took 5 minutes once the pieces were ordered in.) gid also installed our dishwasher and fixed our dryer, although i think i'll still use the clothesline on sunny days. it's becoming a real home, and i get giddy and emotional thinking about memories we're making and will make. sure- it's small and tired, and has a never ending to do list, but i love this little house so much.

it's wednesday, and i need to choreograph some classes, and pick up some flowers and groceries from the market. teddy reminded me that we need ice cream. he's pretty perceptive about what's missing from the freezer. a homebody that loves books and ice cream? best kid ever.

gid brought him into bed with us last night around 3 am when we heard sad little cries coming from his bedroom. (he sleeps with us when we're out of town, and the transition back to his bed is always a little bit of a bummer.) i know work has been stressing gid out, and he's not feeling well, and he still stays cheerful and sweet, even when it's the middle of the night. this morning, while teddy and i slept in, he quietly got ready for work and slipped out early enough so he can come home to us as fast as possible. teddy's been asking for him constantly today.

so grateful for things like morning cuddles and sloppy kisses.

for small arms wrapping themselves around my neck, and requests to read books again and again (and again and again and again and again).

so grateful for family, and building homes and memories.
so grateful for gideon, and for my little theodore.
so grateful for the tiny baby growing in my belly.


so so grateful.
xo


ps- 20 weeks along. due thanksgiving week. finding out what we're having in two days.

things i don't want to forget.

in the mornings when he begins to stir, gideon quietly pulls him out of his room and slips him into bed with us. the early light is softer in our room, and most of the time teddy drifts back to sleep, but every now and then he army crawls to my side of the bed and wraps himself around me like an octopus- legs around my neck and torso and arms cradling my head. it's brutal for me, but he seems to find it comfortable and i've found it best to just wait till he's snoring, and then roll him off of my face and next to me. i'm sure i'll miss it someday, but man- claustrophobia.

he loves songs and nursery rhymes, and i'm blown away by how many he's picked up on. toddler brain capacity and development is crazy, right? humans are amazing.

he's gotten so affectionate. he regularly walks over to me just to cup his hands on my cheeks and pull my face close to his, or will rest his head on my shoulder and give it a reassuring pat before heading over to his next adventure. i remember thinking to myself during his first year that he wasn't much of a snuggler, and feeling a little bummed about it. so much can change in a year.

he still is very shy around strangers, and it's been tricky finding balance between reassuring him that he doesn't need to be scared, and allowing him to feel safe and validated in his instincts. i'm open to tips from parents with shy kids.

he's been in a toddler bed for a few months now. i transitioned him with the thought that it would give him more freedom to get in and out when he chooses, but he insists on waiting for me to come into his room, and then asks me to crawl into bed with him and pretend to be a mama bear, and then a mama pup, and then a mama penguin, and every other mama animal he knows.

we're still doing two naps a day and i can't decide if i love it, or if i'm over it.

a few weeks ago we were visiting a park by our house, and he found and fell in love with a small abandoned tow truck toy. he gets sad about having to say goodbye to toys (like any toddler), but this was different- when i wouldn't let him bring it home with us, he was devastated, head down low and quietly whimpering "towtrucktowtruck" the whole way home, and the rest of the week. he'd bring it up several times a day, and whimper woefully again to himself. anyway, after looking at every target and walmart in boise and meridian, i found it and bought it for him.

guys. when i handed it to him, his face lit up immediately and he hugged the truck (complete with small pats), and then hugged me tightly before grabbing my face with his free hand, pulling it up to his, and saying "kk yewww mama!"

he's never said thank you without being prompted. my heart melted into a puddle. that tow truck was worth every penny.

xo

things i don't want to forget.

in case you haven't heard- utah and idaho are getting record amounts of snow this winter, and i. am. so. over. it. today when we rolled out of bed at 9:30 (thanks, teddy!) it felt extra calm and quiet, and i knew- i knew before i pulled the curtains open that there was a fresh layer of snow on the ground.

the past few weeks the snow has been irritating me, and i begrudgingly decided we should play in it for a few minutes this morning. teddy loved it. it improved my mood a little. getting outside is important.

it's time for me to buy a new pair of boots for him, and i'm a little devastated. he's growing too quickly.

thanks for the fun morning, sweetheart.

xo

teddy's boots

things i don't want to forget.

the other night around 3 am i heard little noises coming from his room, and after checking our video monitor, i realized he was sleep talking. he kept saying "go go go. mamma mamma mamma. go go go." that's a game we play where i hold him and run around the house and hide. (like a one sided hide and seek.) 

you guys. he dreams about me.

and he says "please" like "peas". do all toddlers say it that way? it feels like it's common, but i love it so much, and i swear i've never heard it as cute as the way he does it. sometimes it sounds like a request. sometimes it sounds like a dangerous warning. i'm a pushover, so i love it either way.

yesterday he brought me his mouse cookie book and after i read it to him, he thoughtfully took my hand, took me to the pantry, and asked me for a cookie. (and said please! how could i say no?!) then he brought me his fire truck book, sat on my lap, and just as i was about to begin, he hurriedly ran to grab his firetruck to join him for the reading.

like always, he needs a haircut.

every now and then he comes up to me and kisses my knee, or my shoulder, or whatever body part is easiest for him to reach. when he does this, i drop whatever i'm doing, cuddle him, and wonder how i got such a sweetheart. it makes the biting worth it.

have i mentioned the biting lately? it's not a good situation.

anytime we go out in the car, we listen to this album. his favorite song is "ophelia". sometimes when i'm brave enough, i put on npr to listen to the news and he conks right out, which makes me smile. i'm glad he's too little for me to need to explain current events to right now.

his favorite foods are pizza, toast, apples, and chocolate milk. he's in love with airplanes.

if i can't find him, there's a 90% chance he's in his teepee. he sometimes goes in there to hide hoping i'll come find him, but i think he also loves it to have some personal space. sometimes i wish i had a teepee my size that i could hide in. (i finally took the dead christmas wreath off of it, but it still has twinkle lights. those will probably need to stay on year round, right?)

the past few nights when i've put him to bed, we've been listening to this song, and he calms down, and runs his fingers through my hair. i know he's asleep when he's stopped.

xo

things i don't want to forget.

that time the ocean water touched teddy's chubby legs for the first time in his little life, and he couldn't decide if he was thrilled or horrified. i can't stop laughing at these shots from my phone.

the time mimi and i were sitting in a hot tub with 4 or 5 other people, and she curiously chirped out, "is it true that you go pee pee in the ocean if you really need to? mama says you do..." 

(everyone else in the hot tub looked interested in the answer as well.)

early mornings when the babies were happy and the beaches were ours.

visiting aulani with this bunch. 

how mimi and gid would run away from the waves like it was the best game on the planet.

the time teddy had two blowouts while he and i were flying solo home, and there was no changing table in the airplane. (i'm forever grateful for the 50 year old sisters who were sitting next to me, and couldn't stop laughing about it.) *no pictures for obvious reasons, ha!

i hope you're having a nice night. xo

things i don't want to forget.

his sweet little knees. untouched by the inevitable bruises and scratches that will find him in the upcoming months.

the far off look he gets in his eye when he looks out a window in the morning, like he's carefully contemplating what he wants to do with his life.

 the way he holds his bottle; so specific and intentional.

how his hair has gotten so thick on top, and sometimes looks like it has a reddish hue.

his feet. those sweet little toes.

it's all happening so fast.

xo

 

 

teddy's swaddle
teddy's bottle
teddy's sleep dock

things i don't want to forget.

teddy is on his last winter sweater diaper, and for some reason that makes me nostalgic.

these prints won't be available to buy next christmas.

and it's dumb to feel like he's getting big, because he's so obviously tiny still.

but it feels like he's getting big. there, i said it. i've turned into my own eye rolling material.

doesn't his hair look reddish here? where'd that come from??

the bad news keeps coming- he's grown out of my favorite of his christmas outfits.

so this is probably the last time he'll wear this outfit too.

slow down, sweetheart. i'm begging you.

happy friday. xo

things i don't want to forget.

happy first of december.