this time around.

i'm in my 31st week, and the minutes are creeping by at a glacial pace. so many things have been different this time around. the biggest thing (and i reaalllllyyy should've seen this coming more than i did) is that being pregnant with a toddler is exponentially more exhausting than it ever could've been with just myself.

when i was expecting with teddy, i remember towards the end of my pregnancy people would say things like, "bet you're ready for him to come out, huh?" i didn't feel that way at all. i didn't enjoy being pregnant, but i didn't feel an urgency to get him out of my body. i'd pat my belly and think, "you just stay in there until you're ready, buddy." he did, too. when they finally pulled him out via emergency c section, the doctor said that he was reaching towards my abdomen as though to say, "no, no! put me back!" homebody from the start.

this time around, i'm feeling a little more anxious for delivery. my belly feels heavier than i remember with teddy. the skin feels thinner too- like i'm stretching faster than it can accommodate. i get light headed and sometimes even see stars when i push myself past the exertion of an easeful walk which sounds dramatic, but it's true. teddy is starting to be too heavy for me to carry for more than a few minutes (happy we decided to buy a good stroller) and headaches have been a daily issue. i miss feeling strong enough to hold my little boy for more than a few minutes, or feeling up for a jog, or not finding myself taking a 3 hour nap randomly on a saturday. i don't recognize myself pregnant; inside or out.

this time around, my hormones are just bananas. i cry because teddy is getting too big, or because he's growing out of his clothes. i cry because we're out of butter, and i just made toast. i cry because i slightly scuffed up our hardwood floors. i cry because a tylenol commercial moves me. you name it- i'm crying. 

this time around, i feel like i've hardly bought anything. when i was expecting teddy, i was working at a charming baby boutique in salt lake, and would buy things every few days. most of the tiniest clothes i bought for teddy were gender neutral, so i feel like it's fine. i may or may not go on a crazy panicked shopping spree a few days before i have her.

this time around, i'm so much more comfortable in the role of being a mother. i remember when i was expecting teddy having anxiety that i wouldn't love him as much as i should, or i wouldn't be a good mom, or i'd be dying to get back into the workforce, and would regret the decision to start our family. of course i had no idea how hard it would be, that nights would pass where i'd cry quietly for hours because he was refusing to sleep, or how difficult breastfeeding would be, or how awful recovering from a c section would be, especially after moving states to a third floor loft-- but now i do. i've been so shocked to discover how much i love being at home with teddy, and how much better and happier a mom i am than i imagined (obviously i suck very much some days, but it's better than i thought i'd be so i'm putting it in the win pile). don't get me wrong-- having a second baby is so intimidating, and i'm scared, but this time around, i feel like i have enough of a heads up as to what i'm taking on that i can look forward to it more.

this time around, i get emotional thinking about teddy feeling replaced or overshadowed. does this get easier? i can't imagine it getting easier. he's been our whole world for 2 years, and i feel like there's a meteor coming his way and he doesn't have a clue. i can't wait to see what this little girl is like- i just kind of want him to myself without distractions for a couple more months than i have sometimes, you know? and i think he'd feel the same way if he really comprehended what was coming.

xo

lately.

he's started saying, "oh my, excuse me" when he has gas, sneezes, or burps. it is the best thing in my life right now. i love this stage. i love it so much.

he's also in this crazy repeating stage. the other day i was driving, and i heard a thoughtful little voice say, "dat jerk" behind me. it took me a minute to realize that he'd just herd me mutter it to someone who was driving badly in front of us. parent of the year, y'all. you know where to send the award. whatever. it could've been much, much worse.

we've stopped letting him have his bottle. i think it's more heartbreaking than shots. (at least with shots he could have his bottle.)

he. loves. nursery. but only for the last 30 minutes when they bring out the toys. it's hilarious to watch him exasperatedly sigh and roll his eyes through the snack time, lesson time, and music time that comes before free play. and all he wants to do is play with the vehicles. a sweet little girl tried to get him to hold her doll and he just grabbed it by the head and threw it in the corner (he's lookin' to be an exceptional big brother) before looking her firmly in the eye and saying, "carsssss."
we're working on his people skills.

he's also started this new thing where anytime he stubs a toe, or smashes a finger, or trips on something, he runs to me for a snuggle and sometimes puts the affected area into my face for me to kiss. if someone would've told me five years ago that i'd be a parent that was down with kissing little sandy boy toes that had just been stubbed, i would've laughed, but here we are.

sometimes we watch the pixar movie cars, but he's most interested in the first and last race. he's started saying "ca-chow!" when he thinks something is really amazing. i always ugly cry during the last scene. my hormones have me all over the place lately.

he's transformed into the most affectionate little muddy toddler. gid and i are thrilled to have a girl, but teddy has made me feel so at home with being the mother of single, messy little boy. the thought of bringing another small person into the mix feels so disorienting when i imagine it.

it's starting to get cooler in the mornings and i'm equal parts mourning the end of summer and rejoicing in the fall weather that's on it's way.

xo

what i learned at church today.

it had been a rough day already and we hadn't even gotten out of bed. you know the kind of mornings i'm talking about, right?

sundays are tough for me in general, but this one was bad. we'd all had a tough night. gid is under the weather, teddy's 2 year molars are coming in, and i have a baby living inside of me who makes me vomit in the morning, nauseous during the day, and whose favorite time to kick box is from hours 2 a.m. - 6 am.

my gut told me we should skip church. my gut told me to go to our favorite breakfast cafe and order all the bacon they had available, but i convinced myself to slip on a dress, wipe the sleep from my dry eyes, and wrestle an agile toddler out of his pajamas and into a comfortable simple church outfit.

my belly was feeling heavier than normal as we walked into the chapel (2 minutes early, thank you very much!) and as teddy realized that we wouldn't be going to the room full of toys, he began to softly protest and whimper.

a woman who i've never talked to before sitting in front of us turned around with an eyebrow raised and said with a scoff, "what? how can he already be pouting? we haven't even started yet!"

there were so many things i wanted to say. i wanted to tell her that i'd gotten less than 5 hours of sleep for the past several nights in a row, and i was this close to serial murder status. i wanted to tell her that teddy is teething and shy, and doesn't like being in crowded places surrounded by people he's unfamiliar with. i wanted to ask her what on earth possessed her to think that making an obvious statement about the mood of my toddler was a good idea, when she could've easily just said "hi," or smiled, or literally just kept her head facing forward and done nothing. no, she felt like it would be a good idea to ask me, a young mother she'd never met before how a small teething toddler could already be pouting, while at church. hey lady- have you met a toddler before? what normal toddler likes church? (anyone who writes a comment about their perfect kid who loves church will be blocked indefinitely. get outta here.)

the hormones kicked in, and i went from "ugh sunday" to "someone get me a machete livid" in a millisecond.

i didn't say any of the things that were sitting on the edge of my tongue. i gave her a tired, thin smile, and said, "well, he's a little boy," and then smiled at teddy, completely aware that this strange woman was talking about him, and said gently, "that's just fine, sweetheart. sometimes i don't want to be at church either." the woman turned around irritated, as though my response was the height of rudeness.

any other day, i'd roll my eyes and move on. not today. i had a lump in my throat the rest of the meeting. of course this week was the one where gid plays the organ and we sit alone, and of course anytime teddy made a sound the woman would give side eye and whisper to her husband, and at one point tears just started spilling out of my eyes, not because of what the woman said or thought, but because i was that tired, and i knew we should've gone the non-church bacon route this morning! i knew it!!

i spent the rest of the meeting in my own thoughts, pondering the many, many times i've said something that i thought could be funny, and when it came out of my mouth, i realized it was just rude. i thought about how many times i might've been that person; the one who just really puts a dark cloud on your day for almost no reason without recognizing it. i thought about how skilled people can be at wearing masks, and how you really never know what kind of a morning or day someone's had, and how it's always a good idea to be kind no matter what. i thought about what a champ teddy is for tolerating church meetings and how proud i am of him. i thought about how in the future, i need to follow my heart when it tells me to get bacon instead of going to church. bacon never judges you, or scoffs at your emotional toddler. bacon feeds your toddler and makes him happy. 

always go the bacon route, alyssa.

i'll never forget what today felt like. i'll never forget sitting in a pew, back aching, belly kicking, tears streaming down my face, with a crying toddler begging to go see the room with the cars. i'll never forget how bacon has never sounded more delicious or righteous than it did today. and the next time i see a tired mom with a cranky kid in target, or at the park, or at the airport, or at church, i'll remember how much it means to have someone in your corner on a day when you. have. just. had it.

thumper's mom was so right when she said "if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all."
anyway, that's what i learned at church today.
xo

lately.

she's moving constantly. i remember when teddy was around this size getting so worried when i wouldn't feel movement for a few hours. i remember getting lumps in my throat and putting sugary things into my body and then laying down as still as i could, and silently hoping for the tiniest flutter. not this time around. she's always on the move. no sugar rush necessary.

i have that condition where you're sick your entire pregnancy. when i feel myself getting sick, i tell teddy i need to go cough and to give me some privacy, and he waits sadly by the bathroom door anxiously calling out "all done??" until i come out with a forced cheerful reply that i've finished. it's heartbreaking to see him uncomfortable for me. such a protective little bear.

the other day a stranger was telling me how she missed being pregnant; how she felt so feminine and attractive and special and alive and womanly, and i just stared into space, thinking how much i love my babies even though pregnancy, for me, is physically and emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, and how that's okay. i can be miserable, and still be thrilled to be expecting.

on the bad days i try to remind myself of when we wanted to get pregnant so badly the first time around, and i list ways it could be worse. it helps to soften the exhaustion and frustration.

sleep escapes me. i've never been a great sleeper (until around 2 am, when i suddenly get really good at it) but pregnancy really brings out the insomniac in me. it's hard to be motivated to go to sleep at a reasonable hour when my brain is so desperate to be alert during the rare hours of the night that i have just to myself.

lately teddy is on a breakfast meat craze. he's constantly asking for sausage, bacon or pepperoni. i'm half proud ('cause i love meat too, kiddo!), and half nervous for what's coming in his next diaper.

the past few weeks he's been more clingy than usual. he senses there's something coming, and it's making him uneasy. i've been clingier than usual with him too. neither of us are good with change.

xo

ps- girl names are hard.

things i'm grateful for today:

i'm writing this from bed, half typing, half watching teddy drift awake from his nap from the view of his nursery monitor. he's so happy to be home. i've told you what a homebody he is, haven't i? his best, happiest mornings are the ones when we've just come home from out of town the night before. he cheerfully inspects his things that we didn't bring, making sure that all his books and toys are in place. he sporadically runs to me several times during the day, wrapping his arms around my neck and smacking his lips on my cheek. home is his favorite, and it's starting to become mine too. he's turning me into a mama homebody.

my heart has been bursting the past few days. i miss my family so much during the summer months. on our road trip home (when i get my best pondering in) i was thinking how lucky i am to have a family that i miss, and not one that i can't stand.

we came home last night to our creaky old house, and as we walked in, i immediately noticed how much better the kitchen looks now that i've finally installed the hardware to our kitchen cabinets. (don't ask me why that was so hard to check off the list- it literally took 5 minutes once the pieces were ordered in.) gid also installed our dishwasher and fixed our dryer, although i think i'll still use the clothesline on sunny days. it's becoming a real home, and i get giddy and emotional thinking about memories we're making and will make. sure- it's small and tired, and has a never ending to do list, but i love this little house so much.

it's wednesday, and i need to choreograph some classes, and pick up some flowers and groceries from the market. teddy reminded me that we need ice cream. he's pretty perceptive about what's missing from the freezer. a homebody that loves books and ice cream? best kid ever.

gid brought him into bed with us last night around 3 am when we heard sad little cries coming from his bedroom. (he sleeps with us when we're out of town, and the transition back to his bed is always a little bit of a bummer.) i know work has been stressing gid out, and he's not feeling well, and he still stays cheerful and sweet, even when it's the middle of the night. this morning, while teddy and i slept in, he quietly got ready for work and slipped out early enough so he can come home to us as fast as possible. teddy's been asking for him constantly today.

so grateful for things like morning cuddles and sloppy kisses.

for small arms wrapping themselves around my neck, and requests to read books again and again (and again and again and again and again).

so grateful for family, and building homes and memories.
so grateful for gideon, and for my little theodore.
so grateful for the tiny baby growing in my belly.


so so grateful.
xo


ps- 20 weeks along. due thanksgiving week. finding out what we're having in two days.

you and i are making a deal right now.

hi. i'm so tired. i've been swamped the past few weeks and i've felt this major shift in my ability to be present with my family, so i took a break from screens and writing and everything else. it felt necessary and important.

here's the thing- i wish so badly that i could be effortlessly incredible at everything i do, but i can't and i'm not because i'm a regular human being.

i'd love it if preparing excellent material for my class at bsu was something i could throw together in my brain while i was falling asleep, and my collaboration deadlines never fell behind. i wish parenting teddy felt like second nature to me, and writing well on my blog took five minutes during one of his naps, and the thought of cooking a meal or cleaning my house didn't make me want to shove bamboo up my fingernails. i wish i was better at time management and wasn't interested in hulu or netflix or facebook or instagram, and could fit everything interesting to me on my calendar, but i can't.

and while i reeally want to be awesome at all of these little side things going on in my life right now, i want more to not be a mom who spends most of her time glued to her phone, or stressing about choreography, or checking her email constantly, or worrying that too much time between blog posts has passed, right? like, that person sounds like the worst, right? i can't think of any gig, or social media site that should ever be more interesting than teddy pretending to be a puppy, which he does 75% of the day lately.

and my instinct is to give up on everything but family- like, if you can't do it 100%, then don't do it at all. but that's dumb too, right? it is. and the crazy thing is, i know so so many people, women especially, who feel this way. like they're drowning, but trying really hard to look put together because they don't want anyone to know that they're human, and having a horrible day (or month, or year, or whatever).

so you and i are making a deal right now. i'm going to take it easy on myself, and so are you. we're not going to think degrading things about ourselves, and we're going to do our best to build each other up. we're going to look at our phones less, and give our loved ones more. because the internet is hollow and fake, and our people are real, and warm, and something we can wrap our arms around and feel something with. we're going to try to not eat garbage (all the time), and find one beautiful thing in the mirror every morning, and other shiz like that.

what are your tips for being more in touch with the things most important in your life?
i want to care more about the real things and less about the fake ones.
xo

dear march,

i can't believe you're here already. i can't believe you're almost halfway over, march! the past few weeks have been so blurry, i know i'm usually hungry for that busy feeling, but right now having nothing to do on my list sounds pretty amazing. maybe that'll happen for me next month... (ha.)

dear teddy, could you slow down? please? just a little. you're killin' me over here, buddy.

dear semester, could you hurry up? i'm over you.

dear house, if you could stop having small break downs here and there, that'd be just greeeeat. 

dear plane tickets, why are you so expensive? 

dear gid, you're a rockstar. it's the crazy time at work and you're handling it like a champ. i admire you, and wish i was more like you. 

dear clouds, you send the softest, most lovely light into my little home.

dear weekend, take your time.

ps- i know i haven't written in weeks. I've been swamped, and promised myself to try not to let keeping up with writing here stress me out. thanks for listening. i'll be back soon.
xo

real life.

i've spent too much time looking at screens this week. i can tell because i'm feeling quiet, lonely, and tired, and like my life is only okay. (which is ludicrous, because my life is amazing.)

teddy has started this new screaming thing. not cute squeals of delight. no. he does a blood curdling scream when he doesn't get his way. it makes him shake angrily, and sometimes he even throws himself onto the floor prior to, or following it. i tried ignoring it for a few days, and recently have started giving him 2 minute time-outs when he does it, which is showing slow progress. (now after screaming, he stops and quietly says to himself "no no no.")

i've been so off lately. i've been feeling achy, light headed, exhausted, and (heads up- TMI) my chest has been sore. i took one of my leftover pregnancy tests, and after seeing the clear negative still couldn't let it go. sure that i was peeing more than usual, i convinced myself the test may be old and went out to buy one of those early detecting pregnancy tests which also declared a clear negative. i spent the rest of the afternoon confused and frustrated by my disappointment. wasn't i just telling myself that teddy is driving me nuts and there's no way i could handle another baby right now?

there's nothing like two freshly failed pregnancy tests to make you sensitive to the abundance of darling baby pictures on social media. it's all i could see yesterday. and when i didn't see cute baby things, i saw beautiful pictures of thin pregnant women, or world traveling supermodels, or incredible white farmhouses, or professional dancers, and with every scroll of my finger i saw only what i felt i didn't have in my life, and it wasn't until i turned off the screen and cleared my head that i was able to acknowledge how ridiculous my feelings were, and that the pictures i'd been looking at were designed to make me feel that way in order to drive sales and clicks, and how stupid i was being to fall into the trap of comparing myself to that part of the internet; a fantasy land that is endlessly tailored, nipped, and tucked. i know this.

so no, i don't look like a zen yoga instructor on a strict diet of lettuce and chickpeas, and no, i don't live next door to my parents or my sisters (or anyone) who can watch my baby for me at a moments notice so i can fly to nyc spontaneously to watch hamilton for a night, and no, i don't have a nanny, or a cook, or a cleaning person to keep things at home under control while i go and pose for pictures taken by a skilled photographer that make me look like i casually have my perfect life together. i don't have those things; because that's not real life.

you know what i do have? i have a toilet full of pee right now, because i don't want to flush and wake my napping baby. i have a vase of dying sunflowers sitting on my kitchen table. i have a pantry with cookies inside and the thighs to back it up. i have a sink with dirty tupperware in it that i refuse to wash because i think that dirty tupperware is the worst. i have the most perfectly imperfect house that needs new windows, a new front door, and also has a leaky sunroom ceiling. i have an internet browser with plane ticket searches, an email my mom sent saying she and my dad are visiting next month, and several full online shop basket tabs open, waiting for me to commit and press "finalize order". i have a cable one bill, and a parking ticket sitting next to the computer that i still haven't paid because i like to wait until the last minute, because that's me living on the edge these days. i have two failed pregnancy tests in my bathroom trash can.

i have a sweet toddler who screams right now, and it drives me crazy. i have a husband who holds my hand, hogs the covers, is willing to clean dirty tupperware, and is the love of my life.

that's what's real. and important.
my little family is all that matters.

take that social media strategists.
xo

resolutions.

if you think resolutions are stupid -i hear ya loud and clear- but just keep scrolling to something else, 'cause i like 'em.

i like the thought of a clean slate. the thought of starting fresh.
the thought of myself making goals to not eat donuts for all three meals.
(that one didn't make the list this year. hashtag priorities.) 

so here- take 'em or leave 'em.
my 2017 resolutions:


simplify.

in 2017 i'm looking to majorly reduce the unnecessary things we have in our lives. those curlers that i haven't used in 2 years? DI. the box full of my 10 thesis drafts? recycling. (i have digital copies of them backed up, anyway. why am i so attached to them?!) i want to go through every item in this home with a fine tooth comb and really analyze the value it brings to my life. i'm hoping to be more selective about how i spend my time; say "no" to projects that i don't feel passionate about, and television programs that are obvious garbage. (all eyes on you, bachelor.) i'm looking to be more critical of what i buy, and decided to make a rule that i'm allowed to get anything that i want (within reason of course) but i have to be in love with it. i've bought too many dresses from anthropologie that were on sale and i only sort of liked, you know?

focus.

i've decided to dedicate 2 hours a day of undivided attention to teddy. no screens. no camera. no cooking. no laundry. no dishes. pure teddy. nap time is going to be exclusively dedicated to class preparation and collaboration deadlines, and once he's asleep, i'm allowing myself time to be all lazy and netflix and chill-y. i'm in the process of organizing a calendar that will help me rotate schedules to help keep our small house well cleaned and maintained. i'm happier in clean spaces, and have decided it's worth it to make a real priority. i also want to focus on drinking water first thing in the morning and with each meal, and getting 8-9 hours of sleep (and charging my phone in the living room instead of on my nightstand.)

chill out.

since having teddy i've caught myself getting swept up in bursts of anxiety (i talked about it in this post), and it's affecting my life in such a negative way. my last resolution is to go easy on myself. if i'm late on a deadline for a video collaboration (which i happen to be right now), i'm going to try to not hate myself for it. if the class i teach at bsu has an off day, i'm going to try to shake it off instead of convincing myself that i'm the worst teacher on the planet. if i step on the scale and catch myself heavier than normal, i'm going to try to look in the mirror and see something other than a number. when the week is taking forever, and i'm failing at the whole cooking/cleaning/getting out of pajamas thing, i'm going to remind myself that i'm doing my best, and if anyone thinks it's not enough, then they sound like a jerk who would suck to hang out with.
i'm going to try not to care about what people think, and i'm going to try not to endlessly compare myself to whatever i see with a pulse. i stress out too much over things that don't matter at all, and i'm going to try really hard to be better, because the people in my life (and me. especially me!) deserve better.

we might be a month in, but i'm starting my resolutions tomorrow 'cause i'm chill and i can.

happy 2017, people.
xo

things i don't want to forget.

the other night around 3 am i heard little noises coming from his room, and after checking our video monitor, i realized he was sleep talking. he kept saying "go go go. mamma mamma mamma. go go go." that's a game we play where i hold him and run around the house and hide. (like a one sided hide and seek.) 

you guys. he dreams about me.

and he says "please" like "peas". do all toddlers say it that way? it feels like it's common, but i love it so much, and i swear i've never heard it as cute as the way he does it. sometimes it sounds like a request. sometimes it sounds like a dangerous warning. i'm a pushover, so i love it either way.

yesterday he brought me his mouse cookie book and after i read it to him, he thoughtfully took my hand, took me to the pantry, and asked me for a cookie. (and said please! how could i say no?!) then he brought me his fire truck book, sat on my lap, and just as i was about to begin, he hurriedly ran to grab his firetruck to join him for the reading.

like always, he needs a haircut.

every now and then he comes up to me and kisses my knee, or my shoulder, or whatever body part is easiest for him to reach. when he does this, i drop whatever i'm doing, cuddle him, and wonder how i got such a sweetheart. it makes the biting worth it.

have i mentioned the biting lately? it's not a good situation.

anytime we go out in the car, we listen to this album. his favorite song is "ophelia". sometimes when i'm brave enough, i put on npr to listen to the news and he conks right out, which makes me smile. i'm glad he's too little for me to need to explain current events to right now.

his favorite foods are pizza, toast, apples, and chocolate milk. he's in love with airplanes.

if i can't find him, there's a 90% chance he's in his teepee. he sometimes goes in there to hide hoping i'll come find him, but i think he also loves it to have some personal space. sometimes i wish i had a teepee my size that i could hide in. (i finally took the dead christmas wreath off of it, but it still has twinkle lights. those will probably need to stay on year round, right?)

the past few nights when i've put him to bed, we've been listening to this song, and he calms down, and runs his fingers through my hair. i know he's asleep when he's stopped.

xo

lately.

i've been a worse version of myself lately.
maybe the last few weeks of snow storms has finally gotten to me.

lately my patience (the one thing i feel like i'm normally on top of) has been so thin. his cry bugs me. his constant playful head butts (yesterday he got me in the nose while i was rocking him to sleep and afterwards i could taste blood in my throat); things that i used to chuckle at are making me scream inwardly with frustration. i'm tired. sleep has been escaping me more than usual, and the combination of that with everything else going on has made me this swamp witch in pajamas eating cereal directly from the box and waiting angrily for my husband to come home. (and i'm sure he's loving coming home to me, lately. sarcasm.)

lately i've been doing that thing where you count to ten and breathe. it works most of the time. ben and jerry's helps (until i step on the scale). youtube helps too sometimes. i promised myself i wouldn't turn to screen time, but you know- desperate times.

lately it's starting to really get to me that my skin and hair have been so weird since i had him. i don't feel like myself when i look in the mirror. why don't i feel like myself? do i need to lose weight? do i need to chill out? shower more?? finish my new years resolutions??! all i want to do is binge watch mindless tv on one screen, and online shop on another. i'm pathetically missing my laptop- right now i'm writing on an ipad (because the desktop is too much work), and typing takes about 10 times as long with about 10 times as many typos. (am i seriously complaining about the number of devices in my home right now??? i'm the worst.)

i'm frustrated about the news swirling around right now. i'm frustrated about a post my friend wrote casually dismissing the women's march like she's the only person affected or not affected by it. i'm frustrated at so much division when the goal, always, is for unity. i'm frustrated that i never have all the right answers when i want so badly to know how to fix things.

i'm in a dangerous ironic cycle of wanting to replace things in our home, and also wanting to simplify and minimize the objects in my life to make room for things that matter.
things like little cries and painful head butts.

and those previews for the movie "a dog's purpose" are killing me. i sob so easily when i see them. what does that mean? do i want a dog? do i just miss my childhood dog so much it still hurts even though it's been over 15 years? (the answer to both questions is a soft and firm "yes".) my favorite commercial right now is that subaru one where the dad dog is trying to get the baby dog to sleep. that one makes me cry too. what's the matter with me?!

my parents are in new zealand taking a well deserved vacation and i miss my mom facetiming me for no reason. i hope when teddy grows up he notices when i don't facetime him.

this week was annoying and i'm over it. 

here's a picture of my ferocious baby bear.

he's not so bad, i guess.
happy friday.
xo

being chill, and other things.

well, it happened. teddy turned on the oven without me knowing. i found it around 3 pm yesterday. who knows how long it was on. toddlers are dangerous, man.

ever since being home during the holidays, i've been feeling like i don't have enough pillows in my house. my mom has the best pillows, and there's always enough for, like 3 per person. trademark of a gold star hostess: high quality pillows in bulk. then again, she has an unreasonably large amount of scrunchies (you read that right- i'm talkin' the thick ones from the 90s) stashed in the guest bathroom, so-- you know-- no one's perfect.

mom, if you're reading this, you need to get rid of those.

teddy is growing fast and furious, and i get the feeling on a regular basis that he is the sweetest boy on the face of the planet. it makes me understand how people only want one baby.

a few months ago when we moved in, i was telling someone that i couldn't wait to get unpacked, buy all of the home goods we need (want), and finally have the house in order, and they laughed at me and said something to the effect of, "don't hold your breath," which offended me a teensy bit. ("don't hold my breath?! i will hold my breath! imma get this house done so fast you won't even see it coming!")

anyway, i'm realizing it'll take years and years before we have our house the way we (i) really want it. and for someone who's way more into instant gratification than she should be, that's annoying. whatever. this year, i'm going to be so chill- you won't even recognize me.

i'm still working on new years resolutions, and being chill is on the list.
(i'm already succeeding since i'm being so chill about finishing my resolutions though, so booyah.)

i started at bsu again this week, and reminded myself that this time last year, teddy was a six month old, and i was taking the class i now teach to try to get back into dance. life is funny.

there was this crazy blizzard, and now my sunroom ceiling has little water leak spots. it took me all night to paint that ceiling before we moved in.

freaking snow.
freaking cheap ceiling.

on second thought, i love my little house. leak spots and all.

but seriously i'll be painting over that as soon as the snow dries up.

happy thursday.
xo

teddy's shirt

midnight diary.

i'm wide awake. eyes open, breath calm, staring softly at the ceiling of the bedroom that i grew up in. this always happens. at home, i have such a hard time drifting to sleep. tiny snores seep out of teddy curled up next to me. was my room always this big? man, it seems spacious.

i think about all the things that have changed since i lived here. moving out of texas. college. tour. getting married. grad school. becoming a mom. a mom? how is that even possible?! how did i get here? 

my mind goes back to different memories from the room, and then to different memories from my life. like the first time a boy tried to kiss me, or that time i spent an afternoon crying because i didn't get a part in a play. i remember switching schools in junior high, not knowing anyone, and during my first day at lunch being invited by a boy to sit with him and his friends. it wasn't flirtatious. he just saw that i was alone, and felt sorry for me i think. i remember how the boy who reached out the invitation died a few years ago, and i never told him how much that meant to me; having someone to sit with on the first day at a new school. i wish i would've told him.

i remember my pre-teen and teenage heart getting butterflies, and then stomped on. the time the popular boy in school bought me 2 dozen roses on valentines day in the 8th grade, and then 2 weeks later forgot i existed (i probably should've said thank you or something...) or that incredible jerk who told me that every girl in our high school could stand to lose 10 pounds, and i took it to heart (and kept liking him! what the hell, alyssa?!) or that quiet boy who i had a quiet crush on, and never said anything, and then learned later, when it was much too late, that he had a quiet crush on me too, and how i wish one of us had more courage, or gosh, how the meanest people i knew were girls from church, and how ironic that was, and how i remember never wanting to make anyone feel the way they made me feel, particularly in a place that should always feel safe.

i think about how i really only had one best friend in high school and how she's getting her PHD at yale right now, (i don't have many close friends, but i do have excellent taste) and how grateful i am to have had such a good high school best friend. i remind myself to reach out to her (like we always do) and suggest getting together during the holidays. of course, i end up forgetting, and then wonder if subconsciously i'm avoiding spending time with someone who i think is so cool and accomplished because it will remind me that my life, while beautiful and not one i'd ever want to trade, feels blasé sometimes.

i think of how much it must've sucked for my parents to deal with kids in high school, and how much it's probably going to suck for me to deal with it too. i hope to myself that teddy is the kind of boy to invite someone sitting alone to his lunch table in junior high.

i pull the covers a little higher, look at the clock and tell myself it's definitely time now, time to go to sleep.

and after checking my email, facebook, instagram, and watching part of a documentary on netflix, i finally do.
xo

today.

today it's snowing, and it makes me want to curl up in a blanket, cuddle with teddy, and watch netflix all day.

today, i feel like we'll never really be moved in. we've been here for almost a month, and it's still a mess. i still haven't had our specialty doorknobs installed, which makes me laugh and then sigh sadly. we haven't finished the hardware on our cabinets. our dishwasher and clothes dryer haven't been properly installed because of hiccups here and there, and i'm starting to wonder if the backsplash in our bathroom and the kitchen will ever happen. the problem is- we moved, but our lives didn't go on hold. we're both still working, and dealing with schedules, and deadlines, and any non essential task went straight to the back burner. and man, unpacking is like the most dangerous game ever-- talk about one step forward, three thousand steps back. where do i put my weird shoeboxes full of craft things? and why do i have so much yarn? i don't knit, guys- seriously, why do i have any yarn????

today in a dismal effort to distract myself from online shopping, i looked at plane tickets to places all over the world and it was just a really really bad idea. (there are tickets from boise to london right now for less than $650 round trip. byeeeeee.)

today i'm wondering how it's possible that our laptop and car haven't had any problems for the last almost decade, and yet they both managed to die within a week of each other right after we moved and have no money. when it rains it pours, i guess. things are expensive. i think that's why i've been so bad at writing on here lately-- i usually write in the covers of my bed on the laptop. sitting down at a desktop is so much more commitment for some reason. i could write all day from the comfort of my bed. i wrote my entire thesis wrapped in blankets.

today i'm determined to unpack the stacked suitcases and boxes labeled "other clothes" that have been shoved in my closet for the past 3 weeks. not looking forward to it.

today i feel quiet, heartbroken, and helpless about aleppo. these are mothers, fathers, sons and daughters being trapped and hunted, and it feels like no one is doing anything.


today i love having hardwood floors that let me hear the pitter patter of tiny feet running through our home excitedly. i'm grateful for the way he adores me lately; the way he leans his head on my leg and kisses my knee gently for no reason before running away with those same little pitter patters. i love him so much.

today i'm grateful for this creaky, tiny, old home (even if it doesn't have doorknobs just yet). i'm grateful that the car and laptop breaking down was just annoying, and not debilitating to our budget. i'm grateful for a healthy rascal of a boy. i'm grateful for freedom. for safety. i'm grateful for hide and seek and peek a boo. i'm grateful for facetime, and for best friends. i'm grateful for the snow that's falling outside, and the blankets that keep us warm. i'm grateful for the gold lights on the tree in our corner, and for a season that feels magical regardless of the beliefs you hold onto.

happy wednesday. i'm going to try to go unpack.
xo

i cried.

this morning i met my best friend in boise at a coffee shop to say goodbye before she moves across the country. and then i drove home, put teddy down for a nap, consumed an gigantic muffin, and had an emotional breakdown.

i cried because i already miss her.
i cried because teddy was sleepy and being a rascal, and made our goodbye feel even more rushed than it already was. i cried because things like friends moving makes me feel old. i cried because this renovating process has been so much longer, and more difficult and emotional that i imagined it would be; and we still haven't even moved. i cried because this election legitimately scares me. i cried because i miss my mom and my sister, and i'm jealous of people around here whose entire family live within a 15 mile radius of them, and even though i enjoy the space gid and i have, i secretly wish i had that kind of family support system too, and courtney was the closest thing i had to that here.

and i cried because even though my life feels so good right now-- (five years ago if you'd told me that in 2016 i'd have a darling little boy, gid would have a terrific job, we'd be moving into our first home, and i'd have more opportunity to work than i could take on, i would've thrown a party to celebrate.)-- even with that, some days it feels like i'm still trying to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life.


and i think, for me at least, that's just how it is. maybe there will always be a whisper in the back of my mind asking me when i'm going to finally get myself together.

but, "together" according to who? who am i comparing myself to? certainly, there's people out there who are more "put together" than i, but certainly there's also people who have just as little (or less) of an idea of what they're doing with their life.

i guess what i'm saying is that i think we're all just faking it sometimes.
(sometimes not. sometimes i can be a boss. and i know you can too.)

but sometimes i think we're faking it a little. and i think that's okay.
i miss my friend.
xo

lately.

before we went to DC, there was a day last week that teddy refused to sleep (zero minutes- he normally takes two naps!), and i ended up being the one who had a meltdown. i didn't realize how important that nap time is for me to recharge. when gid finally got home, i raged about what an incompetent mother i was, and asked why wouldn't teddy sleep when he was so obviously exhausted, and begged him for me to please go to work in his place tomorrow, and please please could he go get some food for us because remember how i'm incompetent?

gid, ever calm and centered somehow managed to settle teddy down, and in what i swear was less than a minute, had him snoring happily- which should've made me coo in adoration, but in reality just pissed me off. after he put teddy in his crib, gid sat down with me, and encouraged me to tell him about the good things that happened that day.

you know what's the worst? having an optimistic sweet husband when all you want is to watch the world burn.

my incision has been bothering me again, and i'm guessing it's because teddy is in this stage where he loves to kick, and trample right on my abdomen. a few nights ago i had a horrible dream that it ripped open, and woke up with my heart pounding, and my scar pulsing. i still can't believe it happened. i can't believe i had a c section. (ps- i had a doctor look at it, and everything looks normal.) 

i started teaching last week at bsu, and am equal parts thrilled and petrified. i want so badly to be excellent, and i felt like i just could've been better. in the middle of prepping some combinations, one of my students wrote me an email thanking me for class and saying that she's so excited, and for a second i remembered how teaching can be so fulfilling instead of just being an anxiety-fest.

i gave up on lost, and a mere week later, like a dog returning to it's vomit- went back to finish it. it was excellent. i loved the way it ended, even though not everything was resolved, and that stupid time travel section drove me crazy.

annnnnnnd now i've watched the first season of stranger things, and i have feelings about that now. like i really want to have telekinesis powers.

the house is coming together slowly, and i'm falling in love with every last inch of it. these bathroom floors are making me so happy tonight.
xo

drained.

this picture sums up how i'm feeling lately.
i can't even tell you how over teething i am. 

i've been drained the past few days, and i really have no good excuse, other than i'm just off.

but how long do you get to be "off," before you're just kind of a bummer to be around? i'm pretty sure i suck to hang out with right now. (even if i'm just by myself.) it's nice that teddy doesn't mind playing by himself one bit.

the other day i was researching how much tickets to different places around the world cost, and 30 minutes, two bowls of ice cream, and one meltdown from teddy later, i was convinced i'm never traveling again, and why didn't i visit places around the world when i was good looking and single, and why is motherhood so hard, and why do people even have children, and why on earth do i want another baby ever?

also, i feel old. which is so dumb, since i obviously don't look a day older than 25. (if you want to confirm that in the comment section, i wouldn't be annoyed at you.)

i'm so talented at falling into slumps, and convincing myself that my life is terrible and hard, when i know realistically, that my life is healthy and normal, and i need to shut up and send all the thank you's i have in me to the universe.

we're remodeling our house, and it's expensive, and for the first time in a long time, i'm a little stressed about money. not "how are we going to eat this week" stressed, but "crap, i don't think i should go to target ever again" stressed. hugo in lost won the whole friggin lottery, and it only brought him bad luck, so i'm using that picture in my head to discourage daydreams of winning millions of dollars and never worrying about things having to do with money ever again.

teddy is getting so big. i know he must be a normal amount of handsome, and my mamma eyes have too many hearts in them for me to see him the way the rest of the world does, but i think he's crazy beautiful. is this how my mom felt about me? was i ever this darling?

it's wednesday, guys. we can do it.
thanks for listening to my ramblings.
xo

almost a post.

hey. i haven't written in over a week. you probably didn't notice, but i did. 

i try to write every few days, but the past month, i've been feeling too connected to social media, and not connected enough to my real life, so i decided to step away from writing and posting for a day or two, and that turned into a solid eight days. (in case you were wondering, i still sucked at cleaning and cooking.) i have no idea how real bloggers can do this multiple times a day and juggle regular life.

i started binge watching lost which was a horrible idea. it was a crazy popular show in college that i never got into, but my roommates would talk about nonstop. i know i'm over 10 years late, but i have strong feelings about this show, you guys. (like, for starters- wth, freaky island??! michael- don't talk to me- i'm mad at you; especially for killing libby. hurley, you funny, and you would be my best friend on the island. hey john- don't trust you. never have, never will. BEN! i knew you were bad news, crazy eyes!! sawyer- you're a jerk, but the nicknames you give everyone make it worth it. and if jin is really dead i am so so so mad.) 

i have two seasons left, and i don't want to finish, but i kinda have to.

i know i usually write more, but that's all i have in me for now, you guys. (or maybe you like this mini post better than the ones where i ramble on and on! ha.)

but hey! keep your eyes open for two super rad giveaways coming up. (praise hands emoticon.)
xo

ps- i had to call my pediatrician and poison control today and it's not even noon.
this is not my favorite monday.

30.

my goal this birthday was to focus on gratitude. because i have so much to be grateful for. 

and while i'm stupid good at noticing the things in my life that aren't perfect, i've got to get better at honing in on the many many many beautiful things that i'm surrounded by. there's enough bitterness and negativity in the world right now without me complaining about body fat percentages, or my head that is sure to be covered in gray by this time next year. 

where was i? oh, right. i was saying that i want to be part of the good.

as i'm typing this post, all i can think about is how our lives right now are so beautifully imperfect, and how boring it would be if everything always worked out flawlessly. right now our apartment is an unbelievable mess; a solid reflection of my cleaning efforts this week. yesterday we had pizza from a box for dinner (and i'm not even sorry because it was digorno and delicious). i'm behind on my projects. again. because sometimes teddy is just too adorable (or demanding) to take my eyes off of.

but how wonderful to have a home that's warm and inviting (even if it comes with piles of folded laundry on the couch). how amazing to have the luxury of driving a car to the grocery store, coming home, pressing a few buttons in the kitchen, and having a meal come out of it. (some might argue me calling pizza a meal, but those people are snobs and are welcome to not read this blog.)

how wonderful to be with the best person i know, and to have our beautiful baby.

even if he still wakes up some nights, and drives me crazy most days.

(talking mostly about teddy here...)

but seriously, how crazy lucky are we to have him?

how fortunate to have made it to 30 years, even if, especially if it's included bad hair days, road rage, sickness, heartbreaks, and all the other ugly things that come with imperfection.

how fortunate to be able to experience a little bad, 

so i can see more clearly how very very good i have it. 

gideon insisted that i have exactly thirty candles on this beautiful cake.

goodbye, twenties. hello thirties.
i'm so happy to be here.
xo

lately.

the past few days he's been cracking me up so much. just little things. like when he's taking a bath, he'll stand up to pee, or have gas, and then smile really big and sit back down. he makes little motor noises while he's playing with his toys. he laughs so easily at my jokes. who knew that having a baby who thinks you're hilarious is the best thing ever?

yesterday, i was having horrible cramps, and when i curled up on the ground, teddy crawled over to me, and gently put his head on my back. he's so sweet without even meaning to be.

he's starting to be able to breathe again when he sleeps. there's no better non sound in the world.

it's unbelievable how the maintenance people redoing our stairs (noisy!) know just when i've put him down for a nap- and yet he sleeps through the ridiculous racket. he's so tired; catching up on the past few weeks when he wasn't getting good rest in.

i was stung by a bee for the first time in my life last week.
it wasn't as bad as the hype i've built up over the past 30 years.

teddy climbs up on everything, and has learned through trial and error that it's best to go off of furniture and stairs feet first. i'm so proud of him, you guys. did i mention he took eleven steps yesterday? i feel like if i take my eyes off him, he'll start running.

the world is so scary right now. i don't recognize it. were my parents this scared about things like hate crimes and racism? has it always been this bad, and i've lived in a blissful little bubble my whole life? it feels like every time i open my computer, there's a new tragedy, a new crime. i wish we could change it overnight.

i believe there is more good in the world than bad, but i wish we were better.
xo

teddy's onesie 
teddy's bloomers
teddy's taxi rattle (his fav)