5 lessons the last three years in school taught me...

I've been thinking about life lately, and especially my time in graduate school. Sometimes I think of how when I was in college, I'd fantasize about what a grad program in modern dance would be like. Then I wake myself up from daydreaming, and realize, "I did it!" I did it even though I wasn't sure I was good enough, smart enough, or right enough.

I did it. 

And for just a moment, I feel awesome. A friend was asking me questions about grad school, and I thought I'd write a post summing up some of the advice I gave her. Enjoy friends. xo

1. Graduate school is hard. Like, hard.
When I chose to pursue graduate school, I knew in a vague way that it was going to be a lot of work. Looking back, I was incredibly naive about what I was going in to. I didn't realize was how much it was going to push me physically, intellectually, and especially emotionally. I'd always been praised in college for my writing skills. In graduate school, I felt like my best work would coast by without much notice. If anything, my work was challenged; and initially it felt threatening.

My first semester I got feedback that a piece I was constructing felt superficial. It put me in a funk for weeks. I was so consumed with feeling like a failure that I didn't notice that everyone else was going through the same thing (or worse).

Also- you cannot prepare yourself for the hell that is writing, defending, and publishing a thesis. (And you certainly cannot prepare yourself for juggling two thesis projects simultaneously-- it's seriously the most miserable thing in the world to finish one thesis only to begin another one.)

Also- three years is longer than I thought it was. I'm just going to leave it at that.

2. When you go through a hard ordeal, your spouse goes through it too.
This one was big for us. Even though we dated in college, Gideon and I got married after graduation, so we didn't go through the whole academic experience as a couple living under the same roof. When we were affected by rough days, we'd sometimes give each other the worst bite of it. It's not fair, and it certainly wasn't intentional, but it happened. And we were busy. I was involved with several different rehearsals, had my own rehearsals to direct, and would come home to try to salvage what was left of my brain on paper writing, article reading, and kinesiology studying. And Gid! Poor gid was juggling a job and his schoolwork and demanding responsibilities in our church. At the end of the day, we just had to do our best to put each other first. Sometimes it felt natural. Sometimes it was a struggle.

3. Evolve. Evolve. Evolve.
I changed so much as an artist in graduate school. The work I made changed. My personal belief systems changed. I made realizations about my life, the way I want to live it, and the kind of people I want to actively include in it. I didn't expect to change so much. I think part of it is a natural evolution for this time in life-- don't they call your 20s the decade of decisions? Here's to more evolution.

4. You are cut from your own cloth, and that's just fine.

I'm still learning this one. I have my own style to life, and sometimes it contrasts significantly with those who surround me. That doesn't ever mean that I need to feel apologetic for being different, being the same, or just being me.  Also- some people are jerks. And sometime they just suck. People can be truly horrible. I like to think that they don't realize it, or that I'm being a little ultra sensitive. Just remind yourself that being rude is never cutting edge, clever, or admirable. Sometimes its more progressive for me to tell myself that we are cut from different cloths, and leave it at that. No finger pointing or self-victimizing. Just differences. It's fine. Move on.

5. It's okay to feel frazzled. Everybody does at one point or another.
Again- still learning this one-- don't think I'll ever not be learning this one. People sometimes may think of me as put together, but I hardly everrrrrr feel like it. If I waited to feel like I knew what I was doing, I'd never get anything done. I tackle this by finding satisfaction with tiny victories (and obviously the big ones). Pick three small wins in a 24 hour period (laundry, exercise, good hair day) and go from there. When I remember how lucky I am simply to be alive and healthy, usually that points me in the right direction. I forget sometimes what blessings just come from being in America. And ps- when you do start to feel like you've finally gotten yourself together- don't get too comfortable and feel like a huge failure when you sink into a slump. It just means you're human. And humans are beautiful.

Here's to more learning from life, friends!

early morning stroll in paris

hey gid.

I knew it was asking a lot to wake up at 5:30 so we could take pictures, but you went along with it anyway. You even put on an especially nice outfit. I didn't even have to ask. 

Cloudy with on and off showers,

...and the occasional stray dog looking for a photo op.

Waking up early when you're already jet lagged is no fun, but having pictures without crowds of people in the background is worth it to me. I'm lucky that it's worth it to you too.

Now I just have to sort through the pictures we took and find the perfect one (two, three, four... ugh, eighteen) to frame.

And I've got you to thank for that. So thank you for the early drizzly morning. Thank you for such an unforgettable trip. And thank you for being my very best boy in the whole world. I love you with everything I've got.

ps- thank you also for taking some really special shots of me on the trip.
Its nice to not always be the one behind the camera. 

things I love today:

Today I love Boba Tea.
I love the excitement of preparing to go on a roadtrip.
I love feeling athletic just because I do that awful workout insanity. (Even though I'm pretty sure I do all the exercises wrong...)

Most of all I love when my gid slow dances with me in the kitchen.
To the song we first danced to as husband and wife. (The way you look tonight.)

I love when I know everything is going to be just fine; even though I have no idea what the future holds. Seriously- no idea.

Today I love my mom. My sister. My niece. My aunt. My best friend. All the women in my life, really. Love them. Miss them.

I love that tomorrow is new with no mistakes in it yet.



Happy Thursday, friends. I just love thursdays.

dear mom,

Thank you for letting me hang out in your tummy for nine months.

 Thank you specifically for having me on such a lovely island.

People think I'm puerto rican, and even though its not really true,
I still enjoy it. 

Mom and Naomi 2012 

{She still looks like a hot (grand) mama to me...}

Thank you for your loving kindness to me 
and my siblings for the past thirty plus years. 

Thank you for bribing me to go to church when I was a kid.

Much thanks for teaching me how to be strong, ambitious

 and just independent enough to not be too boy-crazy. 

Thank you for teaching me how to be a lady by example. 

Thank you for showing me how to do my laundry, 

keep a tidy home, and follow recipes. 

Thank you for showing me how to buy crafts that look homemade. 

Thank you for taking me and my sister to europe while we were still in a really obnoxious age. 


Thank you for putting up with us kids during those long camping trips
 full of stinky feet, hungry tummys, and whiney mouths. 

Thank you for teaching me and mel how to come up with fun songs and inside jokes.

Thank you for not disowning me in general during my annoying teenage years. 

Many thanks to you (and dad) for showing me what real love looks like. 


Thanks for showing us that you can be blissfully happy without marble halls or palaces (as Anne of Green Gables would say...).
Um- Thank you SO much for introducing me to Anne of Green Gables
 (and all of the works by C.S. Lewis while we're on topic).


 I guess I'm saying thanks for teaching me how to read...

Thank you for teaching me that adventure never ends unless you let it. 

Thank you for teaching me that it is possible to be crazy skinny and attractive after five kids.

Thanks Mom (and Dad) for showing me that
you can always find a reason to be grateful 

(and often a reason to laugh). 

Thanks for sticking together through the ups and the downs,
and always making sure that we knew that you both loved us mucho. 

Thanks for the video chats, the phone calls,

 and the visits to and from home. 

Thanks for always making me laugh,
even when all I really want to do is to cry.

Thanks for showing me what things matter most. 

I owe you big time, Mom.

You're the best.

just happy.

Two giants of the workplace left their respective offices last week friends: 

The first was michael scott of Dunder Mifflin/ Sabre. 

The second was myself.

In preparation for my graduate school adventure, I left the office reception position that I've held for over a year. Before I got my acceptance letter, I imagined I'd be so happy to leave; not because it's a bad job- it's a great job- but because instead of worrying about work, I'd be looking forward to a new adventure. And at first, I was so excited to be moving on, but the closer and closer it got to my last day, the more bummed I got, and the more second thoughts came crawling into my head. Boise has been so kind to gid and I. We both have (I guess had) great jobs a spectacular ward, and my favorite apartment I've ever had for super cheap. 

Today is the first day that I haven't been employed in a long time (not including my photography, which actually is fairly consistent), and I anticipated myself being depressed, feeling totally unproductive and worthless; eating ice cream and peeps in my underwear in front of a book, or worse internet TV. Although that wasn't too far from what really occurred, I'm pleased to announce that today has been nothing short of 

phenomenal.

Things that I've done today:

-skyped with my best friend in the world (highlight of my week)

-laundry which makes our house smell fresh and clean

-a bit of spring cleaning

-washed the dishes

-unloaded the dishwasher

-yoga & pilates with Jillian and Bob.

-listened to a few conference talks

-got dinner started.

-took out the trash.

-tried on my wedding dress just because (vintage stunning amazingness)

-edited over 300 images (about time)

-scheduled 2 more photoshoots

-talked on the phone with another friend as well as my mom and sister.

-fine tuned some travel plans for Texas next week.

-ate peeps and ice cream while in a bathrobe (better than just underwear, right??).

And it's only 3:30, Friends!!!!

There's no way I could have ever got so much done on a regular monday with my office responsibilities. I know I didn't earn a paycheck today, but I feel like I've gotten so much accomplished. More importantly, I'm feeling happier than I've felt in a long time. The reality of going to graduate school in a program I've been wanting to be a part of for years now is finally starting to set in, and I'm just so happy about it.

Thats all, friends. I wish you a lovely day.

confession time.

Happy Weekend, Friends!

(Ahem) 

Ok. Confession time. I have a few secrets to let you all in on. 

Confession #1: 

One of the reasons I've been taking dance classes at BSU is because I've been preparing for an audition.

Confession #2: 

I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to add too much pressure on myself. There's nothing like having to tell all of your friends and family when you've been rejected. (Frowny Face.) 

I wanted to avoid that situation if at all possible.

Confession #3:

I auditioned for the Graduate Modern Dance Program at the University of Utah on March 11th.

Confession #4:

 I got my letter in the mail 10 days later. 

{Gid woke me up at 7:30 in the morning to tell me the news, and I ran out to the mailbox (half asleep and in my pajamas), grabbed the letter stared at it for about 3 minutes. After letting my heart calm down a little, I opened it (as gideon video taped me like a proud grandfather).}

Confession #5: 

I was accepted. 

{Exclamation Mark.}

Confession #6: 

That's not all. 

{Exclamation Mark. Exclamation Mark.}

Confession #7: 

I was selected to receive a full scholarship for the Integrated Movement Studies Program. 

{Exclamation Mark. Exclamation Mark. Exclamation Mark.}

Confession #8: 

That means I start my studies in Salt Lake City in June. 

{You read that right. June. As in 12 weeks from NOW.}

Confession #9: 

I cried just a teensy bit when I opened the letter; I'm so excited I can hardly breathe.

So there it is, friends! Our lives are taking an entirely different turn and we can hardly wait. Gid and I are going to miss our boise family that we've developed over the past 2 years, but we look forward to starting this new season of excitement soon.

Confession #10:

 I have the best husband in the world, and I love him more than anything.
{But that's not really a confession as much as a statement.}

At first I really didn't want Gid to video my opening of the letter, but I'm really happy that we can share it with close friends and especially family (especially you, mom). I'd like to put in a formal disclaimer that I literally had just woken up (you can tell which side of my head I was sleeping on) and made no effort whatsoever to get ready because the only thing in the world I was interested in at this moment was the contents of this letter.

Enjoy, friends.

ps- isn't it sweet how excited gideon is? 
I know it sounds like he's more excited than me, but we're actually equally excited. 
He was just more awake than I was.

turbulence.

I'll admit, friends. I've been avoiding the blogging world for a while now. I don't really have a very good explanation; I've just been feeling overwhelmed, and when I get this way, I loose all desires of gut spilling via internet.

I hate when I second guess things. Especially decisions; past present or future. Common sense screams to me that it's useless to stress yourself out over things that you have no control over, but for one reason or another, I find myself wrapped up like a pretzel over things that I literally can't do anything about.

You know those moments in life, the ones where you think, "Someday, maybe this will be sort of funny to look back on"? You know- like, right now they're terribly un-funny, but maybe in a month or two, I'll chuckle at it?

Yeah, well yesterday I found myself in the bathtub fully clothed without bubbles or water. I was too exhausted physcially and emotionally to take the effort to draw up some lavender and bubbles. I also didn't really have the time a proper bubble bath requires. So I sat there for about 2 minutes with the lights off and my eyes closed. Even now, it's kind of funny in a pathetic sort of way, but at the time, I was just so defeated.

Defeated by what, you say? I so wish I had a decent answer for you. I've not the slightest clue. Maybe it's because of work. Maybe it's because of classes. Maybe it's the fact that I'm making less money working because I'm taking classes. (Ahem, my fault.) Maybe it's the fact that it's snowing, and I really want to wear sundresses right now. Maybe it's hormones, or missing my family. But whatever the reason (if there is, in fact a reason), I don't think there was any excuse for the extravagant pity party I was throwing myself.

Yet there I lay. Defeated nonetheless.

But as I sat there, listening to the stillness of our small apartment (with the exception of our upstairs neighbor who plays video games with the volume way too high), thoughts seeped into the air around me. Thoughts about how I'm luckier than some of the luckiest people I know. Thoughts about how even if I don't know exactly what the future holds, I've got everything I'll ever really need.

I have a home and a most wonderful companion. But even if I didn't; I've got a family who supports, loves and completes me. I live in a blessed country with benefits so easy to take for granted. I've got a healthy working body. I have passion. I have the gospel.

And cue exhale.

If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

simplify.

And have a happy wednesday, friends.

A year ago today...

I married the best man I knew. 

He's still the best man I know.

    

We know we're not perfect.

       (and probably, so do you)

But we're doing our best.

Happy one year anniversary, gideon. 

I love you with everything that I've got.

NEXT on my list...

is the great Andrew Chaffin.

Andrew, like Joe, is really a friend who I was able to meet through Gideon. Originally, I planned to put Joe and Andrew in the same post, but there's too much awesomeness between the two of them for a single post.

...My blog would've exploded into a soggy mess dripping with stud-juice.

Andrew and Gideon's families were both in 

salmon, idaho 

while the boys were growing up, and are still close.

I asked Gideon if he had any stories about Andrew that he wanted to share. He proceeded to give me multiple experiences of Andrew being a good friend throughout their years in Salmon, into college, and now- into our post graduation years. 

I would share, but I don't think I would do them justice as Gideon was tired, mumbling, and falling asleep. My husband is adorable. Period.

The summary of the stories confirmed what I already know about Andrew Chaffin: 

He's basically just a really good guy.

It must be said early in the post that Andrew's mother Nancy is one of the 

most incredible women I've ever met.

andrew with his wonderful mother

I just adore her. She's a wonderful example of charity, and is full of a lovely energy that brings out the best in people. She (without effort) has the ability to put those around her at ease, and make them feel truly important. I hope someday to share some of those qualities. Needless to say, Andrew was raised by incredible parents, which explains the sort of person he is.

Andrew has been a tremendous example to both Gideon and I of

strength,

fortitude

and perseverance.

 I've seen Andrew tackle situations more difficult than I could imagine with positive determination, and it inspires me to be brave with any trial that could come my way.

Andrew and I happened to take a class together in college. Within the first few discussions, I could tell that he was SMARTER than average, and had a lot of higher education in front of him because of his brain's capacity. Now, normally with these type of people, I have a strange desire to set them on fire after they've set the bar (or worse, the grading curve), but with Andrew, I mostly felt impressed. There are some people (my eldest brother is another example of this) who's intellect has nowhere to go but up. They're made to learn, and especially, to excel.

I, on the other hand, am made to eat snow cones, sleep, and dance on stage in foreign countries. What can I say? We all have our strengths. Andrew's are just a seemingly more impressive than mine...

andrew with his wonderful sister

I actually took a different class with Laurel, Andrew's sister. I remember I liked her very much because a) she was quite pleasant to be around, and b) she always had snacks during class and often would feed me. Turns out, sharing food and being pleasant runs in the Chaffin family. Andrew also carried food with him, and was always willing to share. Good guy. I could write a post just on how much I appreciate food sharing, but there is so much more good stuff to Andrew than the food that he shares with others.

Andrew is chalk full of ambition.  That plus his ability to learn and work could be a pretty lethal combo. He just finished an internship over on the east coast and now he's working in research over on the west coast.  After that- who knows?
A little bird told me EUROPE was a possibility.

...Well traveled much?

Ambition is, in my opinion, the best thing ever. Next to snow cones. And yes, I know I already mentioned snow cones. I like them. Get over it.

Andrew is a good friend. This last weekend, we were able to see him

at one of our friend's roommate's weddings. 

I remember when Andrew made the trip out to our wedding, as well.

Gideon sure knows how to pick stud groomsmen.

...and clearly, ones who know how to have fun. 

I don't know Andrew really really well, but I know this about him: he loves his family and he's very loyal to his friends. I can't express enough how much I admire people who are aware of how important family is. When I've seen Andrew around his family, or talking about his family, I can see how important they are to him. Likewise, I know that Andrew's family are nothing but loving and appreciative of him. So many families could learn from this example.

Keep an eye out for this one, my dear bloggie buddies. 

Should you see a handsome man on a european bound flight, 

at a Chaffin Family Outing, 

or on the cover of some magazine entitled 

"I'm Awesome, and You Can Learn To Be Too"

you should mention that you read 

all about him on my blog. 

He'll be nice. He's a good guy.