inside the diaper bag.

all right, people. we're going on a trip soon, and i'm packing my diaper bag for the plane, and i need to know if i'm missing any essentials.

this is what i've got so far:


solly wrap- because they're the best and i keep one with me at all times.
diapers and wipes. obviously.

this pacifier that doesn't pop out of teddy's mouth.

hand sanitizer. (it's foam. which is just nice.)

an extra outfit. because blow outs.

teddy's fav bottle. i'll never use anything else.

nail clippers, because his nails grow impossibly fast and i can't bear it when he scratches his perfect little skin.

taxi rattle. teddy doesn't leave the house without it,

this banana toothbrush. for massaging those sweet tender gums.

burp cloths. because they're necessary.

sophie. a teether and a toy.

our fav swaddle. soft, sturdy, and the one he has the hardest time getting out of.

---------------

what am i missing you guys? advice?

the sometimes happy, sometimes anxious, sometimes miserable pear.

i was joking with my neighbor the other day about the title of my blog. first it was "gideon and alyssa". then, on a day i was feeling spontaneous and ultra cutesy, i named it "the happy pear". then, when i tried to change the url and realized it wasn't available. i added "very".

that brings us to today- the very happy pear. do i ever wish i named it something different? yes. often. it is what it is though. get over it if you don't like it. (and if you do like it- thanks.)

my neighbor and i were joking because these days i write a lot about things that aren't happy- let alone very happy. and sometimes i think i should change the title of my blog to the title of this post.

i write about my anxiety and frustrations. because i'm a normal human being with anxiety and frustrations. i also write about sweet things that teddy does. (lately he hugs my face and chews on my cheek. i think that's his way of giving me kisses.)

a few weeks ago, a different friend from school called me and said she was worried about me because my blog is so depressing. i thought about it for a second, (embarrassed), wondering to myself if i was depressed, or if i was just being honest in my writing.

guys, i think i'm just being honest.

and i think,  honestly, sometimes being a mamma (especially a stay at home mamma) is a little bit of a bummer for me. in the past, my anxiety has always been linked to something that was time sensitive. due dates. work deadlines. a performance. my thesis defense. it was something i had an ending to look forward to. being a mom doesn't have a deadline. (thank goodness, right?!) there's not an end to this semester. there's no summer break. there's just a small person who needs me all the time, and sometimes throws up on me. and i'm crazy about him. it's just a life that takes some getting used to.

a few nights ago i started crying in a grocery store parking lot because it feels like i'm losing my identity one diaper change at a time, and some days it feels like there's nothing i can do about it.

last week, when i had breakfast with a friend the most exciting news i had to offer was how teddy has started eating baby oatmeal and could she believe it, and how mind blowing it that?! she was telling me about her dissertation and some truly incredible jobs she's applying for. i was envious for about three bites and then was like, "holy moses these crepes are delish."

sometimes i imagine getting a really great job that i'm amazing at, and finding a spritely british nanny who takes teddy on walks in the park, but never allows him to do anything cute without me there. in fact, she makes time stand still while she's watching him, so i don't have to miss out on anything. because even when teddy is having a meltdown, it's sweet.

it's weird how you can never want another baby again, and yet totally be okay with the thought of more babies. there are days i'm totally like, "okay! i could do this again. right now." (i can't believe i'm admitting this on my blog.) i'm not saying i'm going to have another baby soon. i'm just saying my teddy hasn't scared me enough to not already be thinking about it. that's a good sign, right? or maybe i'm losing it.

motherhood is the hardest, most thankless job i've ever done- there's no doubt about it. and even though some days are JUST THE WORST, i feel like i'm getting better at it. and writing helps me. it helps the good days shine a little brighter, and let me see the humor in the bad days (because man, i get melodramatic sometimes.)

so if any more of you are wondering if i'm okay, i am.
i'm not crazy depressed, (today, at least.)
i'm a new mom being honest. 

that's all. 

weekend wishlist

can we talk about how christmas is less than two weeks away? when did that happen?!

these are a few things on my radar this week you guys. 

and gideon- if you're reading this- i promise i won't buy myself a vintage fiat over the holidays.
(after the holidays it's fair game though, k?)

a little wooden play gym for teddy, because he'd go crazy for this.

this jogging stroller base for my running hubby.
(okayyy okay, for me too.)

this cozy quilt for teddy becasue it's heavy enough to keep him warm, but light enough to not get him sweaty.

these bloomers because ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

this jcrew coat that i've been ogling for the past year.

and last but not least, this vintage fiat because it's the holidays and i'm daydreaming.
(and if anyone has an extra $20,000 they'd like to give me that'd be great. thanks in advance.)

texas! i'm comin' for you.

christmasing our apartment (with a video!)

we finally got a tree over the weekend. teddy wasn't super impressed with the farm we went to, but i'm thrilled with what we picked. it's bushy and full and fits perfectly under our staircase. 

it's a harry potter tree.

this is our first christmas with teddy, and i didn't want to forget it (especially the little things) so i set the camera up and made a little video of us decorating our apartment. it's not too interesting now, but i think we'll look back on it and have sweet memories.

memories of how sweet teddy is right now (those eyes!). memories of how little i get ready these days and how many chins i have... memories of the awful stockings we bought at some cheap store six years ago (good suggestions of where to buy nice stockings welcome!), and all of the other decorations we got when we were newlyweds and haven't replaced.

memories of our little loft apartment. memories of our harry potter christmas tree.

i keep telling myself one of these years i'm going to go to pottery barn and buy everything seasonal, and then i remember that after i pay for christmas decorations, i still have to shop for christmas, and then when i look at our little things they seem cute again.

this time next week i'll be in an airplane heading to family. i can't wait.

christmas cards
teddy's striped blanket

happy december, guys.

weekend wishlist

can you guys believe it's december? crazy. want to hear something even crazier? 

we still don't have a TREE. normally it's up no less than the day after thanksgiving. 

what can i say? babies change things. so.

goals for this weekend:

-get tree

-decorate

-make hot cocoa. 

-with whipped cream.

here are the things i'm loving most this week, guys.

this cupcake shirt because YES.

(not the shirt we deserve, but the shirt we need. #batmanreference)

this little jacket that my friend and i found while we were shopping for her toddler.

i think i'll buy it for teddy to use in the next few years.

this quilted onesie to keep my bear warm during snowy walks. (sale!)

these boots because they're pretty. (and a staple, right?)

this cute doormat. because i love a friendly doormat.

(okay but anyyyyy of these would work.)

this couch or AM I NUTS? i know it's light and i have a kid, but i love.

(gid said i could buy it, but i gotta find a place for it first. 

anyone want a nice love seat and two cute chairs? seriously.)

this sweet monitor that alerts you if your baby stops breathing. because it. is. genius.

(more to come on this peace of mind game changer.)

...i still can't believe it's DECEMBER. wish us luck getting a good tree!

happy weekend, thanks for stopping by!

five months.

my hair is falling out. i thought i managed to escape that charming side affect of post pregnancy.

it. is. the weirdest. every time i look at teddy's hands, he's got a few loose strands in them.

he hardly sleeps at all you guys, i started him on this 1.5 hour training schedule and we were doing so great for a few days, and now he refuses to nap for more than 30 minutes during the day and is up on the hour at night. it was worse when i tried to just let him make his own schedule. sometimes gid brings him into bed with us, and he sleeps longer, but i worry about him getting used to it.

we're gonna need a bigger bed.
(see what i did there? instead of "boat," i put "bed"? yup. teddy is jaws in my reference.)

he weighs 18.5 pounds. is that heavy for a five month old? it feels heavy.

i feel like gid is getting more handsome, teddy is getting more cute, and i'm over here with relief society arms and baby blowout on me. i am DEF the least attractive in our family. i should adopt a weird looking cat or something.

chic-fil-a's peppermint milkshakes are back and i swear when i drink them my milk supply boosts.

however, i've gotten so lazy with pumping that it's a miracle i have any milk left. originally my goal was to not throw in the towel until 6 months, but to be honest, i never thought i'd get this far, and that's only a month away, so i think i'm going to make my goal 9 months. (then i'll probably change it to a year. can you imagine lasting a year?!)

meanwhile, my thighs have the same shape as teddy's and yet somehow are not as cute.

his latest thing is growling. he loves to just keep eye contact and exchange growls. he thinks it's the best. what a cool baby i have.

i ate something that made me a little sick over the weekend and it passed on to him. it's heartbreaking watching him work through gas and knowing that i'm the one that gave it to him. i'm really hoping once he gets through it, he'll be back on track with sleeping. pray for me guys.

he's becoming more generous with laughing. i love it so much.

and next month will be half a year? 

are you kidding? what a crazy world. 

teddy's favs.

teddy's night time routine has included reading since he was tiny, and i'm starting to see a preference and interest in some books over others. isn't that crazy? babies are so much smarter than i ever realized.

his favorite book right now is about a little calf going around the farm and playing with other animals and its darling, you guys. teddy loves this book so much, and it kills me- since, you know, his dad grew up on a ranch and loves cows the way most people like dogs. 

(have i ever mentioned that? how gideon thinks baby cows are so cute and i thought it was such a weird animal to love? like father like son...)

teddy is still little, but his attention span is outgrowing his baby books, 

and i'm in the market for some classics that will last as long as possible.

   recommendations, friends?

some of teddy's current book favs:

come along calf
if i were a hedgehog
if i were a puppy
little owls night
goodnight moon

  thanks so much for stopping by. xo

things i don't want to forget.

happy first of december.

thanksgiving was hard, and other things.

first. driving in a snowstorm with a crying baby makes me never want to leave the house again ever.

second. why do babies need a schedule, and why is it so hard to keep them on one? teddy is all over the place with his naps after a short visit to salmon for thanksgiving, and by the time we get him back on track, we'll be leaving again for christmas. sigh. i wish i was one of those mothers that is put together. or at least seems put together. i'd settle for that. to just look put together. because i don't think anyone actually really has themselves together.

gideon's brother is getting married this upcoming january, and i'm shamelessly in love with his fiance. sure, i'm happy for the groom to be, but really, i'm mostly happy for me. i get a gal pal during holiday visits which is really all i want when we're visiting gid's family.

when i was expecting, i promised myself i wouldn't react if i feel like people are judging my parenting style. fail. this weekend i felt like i was being judged for being too protective of my baby (hi. first time mom.), and i couldn't belieeeeeve how defensive it got me.
my baby. my rules. period. i can't keep writing about it because i'll just get annoyed again.

thanksgivings are hard for me since getting married. i miss my (crazy) family, and then always regret how antisocial i end up being with gideon's family. i wasn't super social before i had teddy (and always would promise myself i'd do better the next visit), but this year i spent a lot of time downstairs with a napping baby feeling exhausted, (but wired!) while everyone played games or hung out upstairs, because i was afraid i wouldn't hear teddy if he woke up. i haven't spent a thanksgiving in texas since my 5 year old nephew was born, and it bums me out that i've missed out on those memories. (to be fair though, gid has never spent christmas at his parents house since we've been married, and i've never once heard him complain. i can be such a selfish jerk sometimes.)

this thanksgiving was especially hard, i think because the past few weeks i've been restless, heartbroken and sickened at the terror attacks around the world. i pray for those affected in france, and think of other countries and individuals, particularly refugees who are struggling to survive in such difficult circumstances. (here i am, whining about baby sleep schedules...)

i try to imagine my life in that frame-- me with teddy, trying to find a warm, dry place to sleep. not being sure if my friends and family are okay. lost. homeless. hated. cast out. i think of these people and get caught up in a helpless sense of obscurity. praying doesn't feel like enough, so i look up other ways of being proactive. and just when i start to feel like maybe the world isn't so upside down, i find articles in the news about racism and hate and prejudice in my own country and i feel helpless again. i wish the world was different. i know i'm not alone.

and now we're back home, and my sunday evening anxiety is creeping into me like a suffocating cold beverage that i don't want to drink, but it's already going down my throat and i've got to swallow because if i don't i'll pass out and die, and i'd rather swallow something disgusting than lose consciousness.

holy debbie downer. 
i'll probably delete this post in the morning.

ps-i know this post is lame already and i should really just stop writing, but it's thanksgiving week and i don't want to be ungrateful for my circumstances. i'm so blessed. i normally feel like using that word is condescending, like me saying "i'm blessed" denotes that i've been selected for the things and people that i have, and other people haven't been, and it opens up a can of worms that i don't feel comfortable with, so i usually just resort to saying, "holy moses, i lucked out," but today i'm using the word blessed. i love my family. i love my boys. i'm so fortunate to have them. if they are all i have in the world, i'm still the luckiest person i know. that's all. 

winter photoshoot, or "poor teddy"

guys, we were lucky enough to grab some family christmas photos 

by the incredible kylie fly turley last week which was a BLAST FROM THE PAST;

she and her cute triplet sisters were my neighbors in college,
and she did this photoshoot of gid and i in hawaii when we were newlyweds six years ago.

six years!! 

time, man. it flies.

anyway she did great work, especially considering this was poor teddy's first experience with snow.
(who'd have thought we'd get such a lovely backdrop just by driving up the mountain a few minutes?!)

enjoy, friends. and tell me which one to use for our cards. 

i'm still trying to decide.

i call this one "poor teddy", lol.

thanks again for the pics, ky!

 gid's top
my top, necklace & boots
teddy's top & boots

(everything linked is on SALE! you're welcome.)