but really, i could use some help...

okay mamma friends, i need help. they say the first step is acceptance, right? does that mean the second step is reaching out for help? i'm going to pretend that it does.

i need help you guys.

i don't know what i absolutely need, versus what is a "luxury" nursery/baby item, versus what all the blogs and websites tell me i should do. pregnancy has stolen my brain and especially my gut instinct of what the heck i want.

have i mentioned i work at a little baby boutique part time lately? you'd think i'd have my crap together. i don't.

anyway, we just bought a darling crib and dresser (after months of agonizing over the which one), and i've started chipping away at bedding, which is so much harder than i thought.

this weekend i'm planning on purchasing a crib mattress, car seat, and our stroller. i have a million questions, but the one i'm struggling with the most isn't which stroller i should buy, it's which color.

advice? which color? why is this so hard??!

choice A is the black seat with the silver frame, B is the teal seat with the black frame (this is the one I'm leaning the most on) and C is black seat with black frame. i feel like black is always a safe choice, but the teal looks a bit more friendly to me. is that silly?

i'll probably have a zillion more posts on facebook or on this blog asking for more advice, but i'm too overwhelmed to try to figure out how to write them all down, and i'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.

i would not be disappointed if you all left comments about all of the essential things you needed for the first year of being a mamma.....

an update.

as i write this, i'm so hungry. so so hungry.

i sleep all the time. like, all the time. i don't shop anymore. i sleep.

i miss lunch meat more than i should.
did i even eat it before i was pregnant?
why do i want it all the time?!

i still haven't bought maternity clothes. not humble bragging. i'm confessing that i have nothing that fits me except for sweat pants and loose peplum tops. i know i should go buy something, but i feel like its all expensive and not cute. and i already don't feel cute.

i only post pictures of my belly that i think are flattering. and i always suck in, which is pretty stupid (and ineffective). i hate how i do that. like seriously, alyssa- who are you trying to impress?

i have a weird urge to go for a roller coaster ride. probably because i'm not allowed to right now (unless i want a milkshake baby), and this is as close to rebellion as i get.

gid bought me black out curtains. just when i thought i couldn't love him more.

i'm still throwing up, you guys.

i don't know why i'm procrastinating buying stuff for our nursery. our baby will be here in three months. you know it's bad when gid is pushing me to buy stuff.

i feel like netflix and hulu+ are more important to me than regular people.

my skin has never been worse. i always felt like my skin was the one thing i really had going for me.

every day i ask gid to make me a milkshake. he's so good at them and they stay down.

some days i feel like i don't really know who i am anymore, and then i wonder if i've ever known. and then i think to myself that this is a totally healthy thing to think about and i deserve some ice cream for exploring it in my brain.

i want to start playing the ukulele and guitar again, because it sounds like a sweet way to bond with my baby. but every time i think about picking up an instrument, i fall asleep.

i haven't exercised since before i found out i was pregnant.
that was over 6 months ago.
i gotta do some squats or something, y'all.
just thinking about it makes me hungry.

did i mention i'm hungry?

sister shoot II.

My sister is expecting any day now. 

Isn't she lovely? 

All she can see when she looks in the mirror is her growing belly, but I'm all "holy smokes, your legs (and everything else) look AMAZING!" 

She didn't believe me. She never does. So I pulled out my camera.

And did my best to put her at east, and hopefully make her laugh a little.

I don't think it's normal for little sisters to think their big sisters are this beautiful.

My photography doesn't do her justice, but I did my best.
Imagine an even prettier pregnant lady, if you can.

And in a shocking turn of events, mimi wanted in on the fun.

 I can't handle it.

pregnant.

I'd sworn off taking pregnancy tests. I had already spent a lot of money on them and the disappointment seemed to grow exponentially with each negative sign that I'd discover month after month, equal parts "are you KIDDING me," and "there's gotta be something wrong." I found myself spending the time I usually dedicated to online shopping used for researching fertility treatments.

...he was having a hard time with the camera remote... I was too excited we were taking this picture to care...

I've always been irregular. (Is this TMI? It might be. You're welcome to stop reading if it is...) Having a period come late (a day, or even a week) isn't a big deal for me. So when I was late, I firmly scolded my heart to stop fluttering, and insisted that my nerves not get excited or hopeful. This had happened before, and unfortunately was more than likely to happen again.

I stocked up on tampons and waited, annoyed, for the inevitable discomfort. I bought chocolate and pastries (to be honest though, I probably would've done that anyway). I rented something from redbox; I don't remember which film it was. Three more days passed, and even thought I'd promised myself to wait no less than two weeks past my expected period date, I grabbed a cheap test, and defeatedly took it, knowing deep in my gut it would be negative.

It wasn't. It was positive. Like, really dark and positive. An undeniable plus, but I refused to celebrate, scrambling through my bathroom cupboards to find one of the expensive tests (you know, the ones that spell it out for you and cost as much as a semi-decent pair of shoes...). I scrounged up as much leftover pee as I could and took the second test.

It took less than 10 seconds to give me the answer.

I felt like the whole bathroom was applauding me. My shampoo, conditioner and body wash, my toothbrush and deodorant; the tampons I'd recently purchased and all of the other weird things that are in bathrooms cheered, throwing invisible confetti and streamers at me as I smiled and sniffled quietly. It probably sounds dumb and pathetic. I don't care. My bathroom products are incredibly supportive.

The story of my telling gid the news deserves it's own post so I'll spare you the details today (stay tuned-- there's a video!), but I'll tell you the obvious- he was as excited as I was.

We chose to wait until we were a few weeks into the second trimester to share the news with our families, and about a month before the third trimester to share it on social media. I can't tell you what lovely responses of encouragement and support we've gotten from friends and family. So many little love notes sent privately to let us know we've been thought of. 

It's crazy how invisible you can feel until you don't; even if it's only for a moment.

And I'm not talking about Facebook. 

I wrote this post a while ago, and several months later gathered the courage to release it for everyone to see.  Even after we realized we were expecting my heart still ached when I returned to it. Isn't it wild how memories take you right back to the slump (or high!) you were in? I think I've finally given myself permission to just be happy and excited about the future.

That's kind of a big deal for me lately.

I can't believe how lucky we are.

That's all for now, friends.
Thanks so much for reading.

that time some flowers made me laugh and cry...

I came home the other night from my little boutique job, my feet sore, and my tummy empty. It hadn't been a bad day, just a tired day. After I put my bag down I saw a gorgeous, big bouquet of flowers on the table with an envelope.

I have a sweet husband. He buys flowers every now and then to celebrate our anniversary, or to tell me that he loves me. I don't know how I got so lucky. But this bouquet seemed bigger than usual; the kind that you don't want to put in a vase because it looks so good wrapped up. And nothing too huge has been going on in our lives in the last few days. In fact, I've been down about it- feeling like I used to accomplish things without it being a big deal, and now taking a shower and making the bed are about as ambitious as I want to be.

When I opened the envelope it said, "One year ago today, you graduated from Integrated Movement Studies! You did it!!!"

I broke down laughing and crying. Last year, I spent three weeks in Berkeley finishing a somatic certification intensive. It was hard. It was a little horrible. Any other year it might've been exciting and fun, but I was in the middle of a huge pile of work for my MFA, and the last thing I needed was an extra thesis to write and defend. 10 hour days in the classroom/studio. Talking to Gid on FaceTime every night and asking if he would still respect me if I just got in my car and came home. Now it seems so melodramatic. So silly and whiney. But I remember how intensely I wished it to be over. I had an app on my phone counting down the seconds.

And now it is. In fact, it's been over for a while. And as tired as my days can get now, they don't hold a candle to the stress that came with those three weeks. No more research paper writing. No more presentation preparing. My life is so beautiful. It's not as busy, but that's precisely what I wished for when I was elbow deep in work. It might seem boring by comparison, but it's actually quite lovely.

And I have flowers everywhere.



Thanks gidden. I lovelovelova you.
I think I'll go take a shower and make the bed now….

resolutions are hard.

20 days ago, I was like,

 "Bring on the new year. Bring. It. On."

"I'm going to catch up reading all of those classics I've made it 3/4 of the way through!"

"I'll finish editing all of those projects I've been working on!"

"I'll do awesome at exercising!"

"I'll totally do laundry!" 

"AND dishes!"

I was going to kill 2015 with my bare hands.
2015 was going to be MY year.

2014? It had some lovely moments, but I was ready to move on to 2015.

And then January 1st came by.

I thought, "Okay, lets finish up Les Miserables!
You've only got 100 pages left!!!"

"Lets get editing those projects!!"


"...okay, okay- let's exercise then! I won't even be too ambitious!
Let's just go on a walk every day!"



"...laundry?? ...dishes??"


The moral of the story is that resolutions are hard.
And I've been sleeping alot.

Writing this post was exhausting, and took me more time than I care to admit.


That's all.

a snow story.

 home is the best thing in the world.

seeing these little babies is the best thing in the world.

having it snow the day after christmas? 

that was also the best thing in the world. 

and here's a little video for all of you to enjoy recording a snowy story from 2014.

enjoy friends. xo

"I love her. And that's the beginning and end of everything." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

We had our costumes out already thanks to the 20's party we threw a few weeks ago

 so we decided to use them for halloween, friends.

We attempted Zelda, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Last year we ran out of candy, and I felt so bad for the final few trick-or-treaters
who I offered apples to apologetically.

(I imagine they think, "Thanks for nothing, mean apple lady," when they see me around the village.)



So this year I spent about $40 on candy to be sure we wouldn't run out.

About 5 kids came by. I've got candy coming out of my ears.
(And since we opened the bags I can't return any of it.)

:(

ps- I must be honest: Gideon with a mustache makes me uneasy. 

So if anyone is looking for candy, don't hesitate to come by. Really.

 
Wishing you all lovely halloween memories.