back where it started.

at last the house is quiet, little snores humming from the back. i'm sitting here, ignoring the messy playroom and dishes piled in the sink, pretending not to notice the laundry folded on the piano. (at least it's folded.) 

i sit here listening to the blowing autumn wind, grateful for the extra white noise to help sleeping babies rest and feeling relieved that tomorrow is saturday. 

do you ever feel relieved it's the weekend and then wonder why, since it really changes very little when your life is a cycle of staying at home with little ones?

the last time i wrote here vivi was a newborn. i wrote about how the newborn phase is hard, and how it is okay not to enjoy it.

i look back on vivi as the world's best newborn. at 2 months she was practically sleeping through the night in a small antique bassinet pushed next to our dresser with us tossing and turning in the bed next to her. i had no idea how good i had it in the sleep department with that baby. now she's three; spunky and curious and so full of life she's bursting at the seams with laughs, cries, squeals and screams. 

the last time i wrote here teddy was a chubby toddler, two years old and exploding with vocabulary. transitioning from one child to two was just about as seamless as i could've asked for, because he hardly acknowledged vivi until she started crawling. he gave me space so graciously even though my attention to him was depleted. he never complained or whined about the baby. it was as though she'd always been there; she was just more there than before.

teddy's first love was planes, then cars; the small matchbox ones that little boys somehow cannot collect enough of. everyone knew he loved cars and would give them to him regularly. the last time i wrote here, he kept one in each hand at all times unless he was eating or sleeping. i remember he hated going to his little nursery class in church unless he had a car in each hand (in which case it was only barely tolerable). i remember every night after vivi had gone down for bedtime we'd sit on our big bed for over an hour working our way through those little board books. we'd get through 30 or 40 of them in one evening and then he'd pass out happily in his bed covered with firetruck sheets. i'd never met a little boy who could devour books like him, and still haven't met a boy i find so endlessly charming and lovable.

the last time i wrote here i was a mother to a two year old, and a newborn. tonight i type exhaustedly as a mother to a six year old, a three year old, and a baby who just finished her first year.  the last time i wrote here the thought of a worldwide pandemic felt unimaginable; fictional even. now we keep masks and hand sanitizer in the car and extra pairs in the diaper bags.

i tried writing in a different space for a few years, and ultimately resented feeling like i needed to write about something since i was paying for the website. it felt good and a little sad to let it go.

but now i'm back. here, where i started. feeling like i'd like a space to remember our days by; a place to write love notes to my children and my life. a place to feel things, good and bad. 

back where it started. 

it's okay to not love this part. or, newborns are hard.

hi. i hope your week is going better than mine.

my week has been unusually gloomy; mostly because of dark clouds that have kept the natural light in our home at an all time low. i'm regretting not having more recessed lighting installed. i didn't realize how solar powered i can be.

that thing they say about mothers (and fathers) forgetting about the difficult parts of early parenthood quickly is so true. i forgot what it feels like to be this exhausted.

not "sleepy", or "tired," or "i just need a quick nap to refresh myself" tired. no, i'm talking about full on new mama exhaustion. "i haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row for over a month" exhaustion. "this is worse than jetlag, because at least with jetlag there isn't a small person literally sucking energy out of me," exhaustion.

i forgot how that newborn scream starts to really get to you after a while. i forgot about leaking breasts, and the disappointment of trying to squeeze into jeans too early, and being afraid that exercising will hurt.

i forgot about how little appetite i have during this time; how hard it is to find the motivation to eat more than crushed ice, (am i alone here? that's all i want.) and how when you do find something that looks good to eat, it gives your baby gas, and then that poor little newborn scream that makes you want to bash your head against the wall starts up again.

i've been trying to teach teddy not to holler at me when he wants something. trying to keep my own voice calm, i'll say, "hey. do we scream at mama?" to which he responds (usually sullenly) "no." today, in the middle of a colicky scream, teddy calmly said to vivienne "hey vivi. do we scream at mama?" 
he's a good boy.

last night i took him to chick-fil-a for a little one on one time (because it's close to our house, we're basic, and that's okay), and he was thrilled to have all of my attention. he smiled and waved at strangers, (way out of his character, since he's such a shy little boy), and at one point he gleefully yelled "we love food!!!!" at the top of his lungs, making several people look over at us and chuckle.

it's true. we do love food.

it was such a fun date, just him and me. but after we'd eaten our chicken, and finished climbing up and down the slides, my chest started feeling full and heavy, and i imagined gideon rocking a crying one month old after a long day of work during the busiest part of the year for him. i sighed, and told teddy we needed to head home. the happy smile left his face for a moment, and then returned when he said, "we need to go see that dada, and that vivi." he bounded off towards the door, still happy and cheerful; more than i could say for myself, because i knew what kind of a night i was in for, and i'm just not in love with all of the parts of the newborn stage.

it's true-- this stage has mostly beautiful parts to it. those tiny little flinchy smiles. the curled up toes. that feeling of a newborn melted onto your chest perfectly. the snores! oh, i love the snores. that feeling when they finally, finally fall asleep after what feels like hours and hours of rocking, and you get to lay your own head down. i love being a mom so much more than i ever could've anticipated.

it's hard though. it's not all perfect, and there are times you want to rip your hair out, or punch a hole in the wall, particularly when you're under slept. and that's okay. (as long as you don't actually punch a hole in the wall, because that gets expensive real quick.) the downs make the ups higher, i think.

when i look back on teddy as a newborn, i don't remember it being perfect. there's one vivid memory i have in particular; gideon finding me in the living room around 4 in the morning, tears streaming from my eyes as i rocked a crying teddy exhaustedly. as gid took one month old teddy into his arms and gently told me to go to bed, i remember whispering in broken sobs "i can't do it." over and over. i meant that i couldn't get teddy to go to sleep, but i think i also meant i couldn't be a good mom. looking back, it seems so desperately pathetic, but that's how it gets sometimes.

i could keep writing about this, but i'm just going to finish with three thoughts:

1. this part is hard. and that's okay.

2. i don't like it all the time. and that's okay too. i can be a good mom without loving every second of motherhood.

3. we love food.

happy wednesday friends.
xo

the first month. or, things that have been different this time around.

as i sit here typing, she's napping on my chest letting out a soft, high pitched snore. i forgot about these tiny baby snores.
i forgot about a lot of those first things.

a month has already passed. i'm not sure how.

around this time when we had teddy, we were moving from salt lake to boise, and the task of adjusting to life with a newborn, paired with recovering from a c section and packing/unpacking our lives was almost more than i could bear. i remember my face being sticky with tears for weeks. it was miserable.

maybe that's why this time around it feels like the days have flown by. adjusting to life with vivienne hasn't been perfect, and i look like a train wreck 100% of the time, but there have been far less hurdles along the way.

she nurses non-stop, you guys. when we took her to the doctor for her one week visit and she was weighed, our nurse looked at me with an surprised expression and said, "wow. have you had any break from breastfeeding?" i tried to smile, but i looked at her with dead eyes and shook my head no. we're starting to set boundaries, but it's hard to say no to a tiny baby, you know?

teddy has exceeded all expectation in his adjustment to her. when she cries, he tells her it's okay. he says goodnight to her at bedtime without being asked. he'll bring me burp cloths and diapers for her happily.

he's also started asking if his toy cars can have "mommy milk" and tries to gently place them in my shirt. like i said, we're working on boundaries over here.

she loves being held, and i let her rest on my lap or on my chest more often than i probably should. it means nothing gets done around the house, but i think that's okay. she's happiest when gid holds her. daddy's girl from the start.

the kids have yet to nap at the same time. one of them always wants to be held. (vivi mostly, obviously.) i used to sing a few songs to teddy during nap time and bedtime, but he's recently started asking me to please leave him alone. man, it stings.

it's cold outside, which means we don't get enough fresh air. i took that for granted with teddy being born in july. we made a point of going for a walk, or getting out of the house much more often than we have this time around. i've never looked more forward to spring.

her hair is still this warm auburn color. i can't believe she's mine.

happy january, friends.
xo

lasts and firsts

i was 41 weeks plus a few days pregnant, and i'd tried all the old wives tales. we'd gone for a bumpy ride up the mountain. i drank that tea they say helps labor along. i was doing 300 squats a day and went on long walks. there's more, but you get the picture.

every time i'd do a load of laundry, or wash the dishes, or go run errands, i'd excitedly think to myself, "i wonder if this is the last time i'll do this thing before she comes." the last time i'll go to church with one child, or the last time i'll wash my hair before i have two kids. the last time i'll put fresh sheets on my bed. it was the most absurd, chore oriented countdown. in fact, the night before she came, after i finished singing teddy songs about trucks, cars, helicopters, and excavators, i had this gut feeling that this was the last time i'd lean over his bed, give him a kiss, and tell him that i thought he was wonderful before i had two kids. i ignored the feeling, (because i'd had it before around 38 weeks) but this time it was right. i woke up to contractions in the morning not realizing that i'd deliver her in a few short hours.



and now she's here. and i just keep catching myself thinking excitedly about all the firsts. my first time drinking a milkshake with two kids. my first time going out of the house by myself with two kids (it was less than a five minute trip to get a bag of sonic ice because i miss hospital ice right now). our first time reading bedtime stories-- with two kids! everything feels like i should take a picture. everything feels special. (except the miserable things-- my first post delivery poop {almost as scary as labor}, my first painful breastfeeding latch, my first time watching my toddler melt down because i can't give him exclusive attention the way i used to... etc.)


it probably sounds ridiculous to read (it feels a little ridiculous to write), but this is a crazy magical time for our little family. falling asleep and waking up to twinkle lights (the perfect soft light for middle of the night feedings). having friends and family checking in on me constantly with loving messages and presents. kissing my little boy to sleep, and then immediately cuddling my less than week old baby girl. watching my husband hold her and falling in love with him all over again. seeing her twitchy, newborn smiles. magic.

happy december, friends.

ps- i promise i'm going to announce her name soon- we've just had a really hard time nailing it down this time. xo

things happening.

teddy doesn't say i love you. he crawls into my lap, snuggles his head into my shoulder, and quietly says "i'm next to you." then, after a little pause, he says, "i'm happy to be next to you." it is the best thing in my life right now. (he learned it from this book.)

the leaves on the tree outside my kitchen window are slowly changing colors and it reminds me of this time last year when we were remodeling this house and wanting so badly to move in. there's still so many things that need to be done around here, but i have to remind myself of how far we've come since then. (like we have a working kitchen and bathroom, ha.)

it's nuts that we'll have another baby here before christmas. the nesting hasn't kicked in yet, but i think it's going to manifest itself in early christmas decorating. i keep worrying that teddy's going to miss out on the holidays with the whirlwind that comes with a brand new baby, and he seriously would not even care a little bit if we didn't have a tree, stockings and presents. as long as i make sure he has plenty of race cars stocked in his toy room, he's good. such a reasonable little guy.

my incision has been hurting again on and off with my growing belly. anyone else ever experience that? if someone could just reassure me that it's not going to open up, that'd be great.

i started hypnobirthing. i'm trying to stay positive, but i'm a little worried that i'm sleeping too much during the clips. hopefully some of the stuff is getting through. it's so relaxing, i can't help it!

i'm still so anxious about how he'll feel about having a sibling. i get why people choose to have one child. i'm sure when she comes i'll be so happy about it.

the other day teddy said, "good day" to a cashier as we were leaving. he's an old soul i guess. i love this stage so much. so far, the twos haven't been terrible at all. (knock on wood, fingers crossed and all the other superstitious things, ha.)

xo

this time around.

i'm in my 31st week, and the minutes are creeping by at a glacial pace. so many things have been different this time around. the biggest thing (and i reaalllllyyy should've seen this coming more than i did) is that being pregnant with a toddler is exponentially more exhausting than it ever could've been with just myself.

when i was expecting with teddy, i remember towards the end of my pregnancy people would say things like, "bet you're ready for him to come out, huh?" i didn't feel that way at all. i didn't enjoy being pregnant, but i didn't feel an urgency to get him out of my body. i'd pat my belly and think, "you just stay in there until you're ready, buddy." he did, too. when they finally pulled him out via emergency c section, the doctor said that he was reaching towards my abdomen as though to say, "no, no! put me back!" homebody from the start.

this time around, i'm feeling a little more anxious for delivery. my belly feels heavier than i remember with teddy. the skin feels thinner too- like i'm stretching faster than it can accommodate. i get light headed and sometimes even see stars when i push myself past the exertion of an easeful walk which sounds dramatic, but it's true. teddy is starting to be too heavy for me to carry for more than a few minutes (happy we decided to buy a good stroller) and headaches have been a daily issue. i miss feeling strong enough to hold my little boy for more than a few minutes, or feeling up for a jog, or not finding myself taking a 3 hour nap randomly on a saturday. i don't recognize myself pregnant; inside or out.

this time around, my hormones are just bananas. i cry because teddy is getting too big, or because he's growing out of his clothes. i cry because we're out of butter, and i just made toast. i cry because i slightly scuffed up our hardwood floors. i cry because a tylenol commercial moves me. you name it- i'm crying. 

this time around, i feel like i've hardly bought anything. when i was expecting teddy, i was working at a charming baby boutique in salt lake, and would buy things every few days. most of the tiniest clothes i bought for teddy were gender neutral, so i feel like it's fine. i may or may not go on a crazy panicked shopping spree a few days before i have her.

this time around, i'm so much more comfortable in the role of being a mother. i remember when i was expecting teddy having anxiety that i wouldn't love him as much as i should, or i wouldn't be a good mom, or i'd be dying to get back into the workforce, and would regret the decision to start our family. of course i had no idea how hard it would be, that nights would pass where i'd cry quietly for hours because he was refusing to sleep, or how difficult breastfeeding would be, or how awful recovering from a c section would be, especially after moving states to a third floor loft-- but now i do. i've been so shocked to discover how much i love being at home with teddy, and how much better and happier a mom i am than i imagined (obviously i suck very much some days, but it's better than i thought i'd be so i'm putting it in the win pile). don't get me wrong-- having a second baby is so intimidating, and i'm scared, but this time around, i feel like i have enough of a heads up as to what i'm taking on that i can look forward to it more.

this time around, i get emotional thinking about teddy feeling replaced or overshadowed. does this get easier? i can't imagine it getting easier. he's been our whole world for 2 years, and i feel like there's a meteor coming his way and he doesn't have a clue. i can't wait to see what this little girl is like- i just kind of want him to myself without distractions for a couple more months than i have sometimes, you know? and i think he'd feel the same way if he really comprehended what was coming.

xo

at the beach with minnow swim!

we got home from our trip to maui and kauai almost a month ago, and guys i'm still going through the pictures and videos, trying to not notice how much bigger teddy looks this year compared to last. he enjoyed the ocean and sand 100% more this time, and no one got sick, so it was a basically bliss compared to last time. smiles all around. we even slept well. happy sigh.

several months ago i came across a small business called minnow swim, and you guys- they make the most beautiful swimsuits for babies and kids. i fell in love first with the simple and elegant design of the suits; they have soft sun-kissed color palettes, and the sweetest pattern options. i also love that the suits are ethically designed and made in california by the most darling mama, morgan smith, who started this company because she felt like she couldn't find swimsuits she loved for her kids. 

i felt so lucky to try this brand out for our beach trip, and can't say enough about the quality and gorgeous craftsmanship of the suits. each item comes with it's own little waterproof swim bag, and the material is high quality, durable, and really just beautiful to look at. 

(^ i had to share a picture of some of the floral designs. so good.)

we got so many compliments on teddy's little combination of the striped shorts and navy rash guard, and i kicked myself multiple times for not splurging on a pair of little gingham bottoms that have since been discontinued. i've been on a less is more rant lately, but that's how good these suits are, guys. i want to buy one for every year teddy will need a new one.

did i mention they have matching little girl options that are to die for?

guys. go look. go look right now. you're going to melt.

anyway, the most important part of this post is letting you know that minnow is having a LABOR DAY SALE (this rarely happens-- it being a small family business and all), and i'm telling you now to take advantage (run, don't walk!) because if you have a pulse - really - you're going to fall in love just as hard as i did, i promise.

20% off starting midnight tonight. 

code: SUMMERFOREVER

guys. this brand is so good.

i'm already planning next years coordinating swimsuits for teddy and his little sister and it's making me just really happy.

big thanks to minnow for making the sweetest suits.
you made our trip to hawaii extra special this year. 

xo

lately.

he's started saying, "oh my, excuse me" when he has gas, sneezes, or burps. it is the best thing in my life right now. i love this stage. i love it so much.

he's also in this crazy repeating stage. the other day i was driving, and i heard a thoughtful little voice say, "dat jerk" behind me. it took me a minute to realize that he'd just herd me mutter it to someone who was driving badly in front of us. parent of the year, y'all. you know where to send the award. whatever. it could've been much, much worse.

we've stopped letting him have his bottle. i think it's more heartbreaking than shots. (at least with shots he could have his bottle.)

he. loves. nursery. but only for the last 30 minutes when they bring out the toys. it's hilarious to watch him exasperatedly sigh and roll his eyes through the snack time, lesson time, and music time that comes before free play. and all he wants to do is play with the vehicles. a sweet little girl tried to get him to hold her doll and he just grabbed it by the head and threw it in the corner (he's lookin' to be an exceptional big brother) before looking her firmly in the eye and saying, "carsssss."
we're working on his people skills.

he's also started this new thing where anytime he stubs a toe, or smashes a finger, or trips on something, he runs to me for a snuggle and sometimes puts the affected area into my face for me to kiss. if someone would've told me five years ago that i'd be a parent that was down with kissing little sandy boy toes that had just been stubbed, i would've laughed, but here we are.

sometimes we watch the pixar movie cars, but he's most interested in the first and last race. he's started saying "ca-chow!" when he thinks something is really amazing. i always ugly cry during the last scene. my hormones have me all over the place lately.

he's transformed into the most affectionate little muddy toddler. gid and i are thrilled to have a girl, but teddy has made me feel so at home with being the mother of single, messy little boy. the thought of bringing another small person into the mix feels so disorienting when i imagine it.

it's starting to get cooler in the mornings and i'm equal parts mourning the end of summer and rejoicing in the fall weather that's on it's way.

xo

what i learned at church today.

it had been a rough day already and we hadn't even gotten out of bed. you know the kind of mornings i'm talking about, right?

sundays are tough for me in general, but this one was bad. we'd all had a tough night. gid is under the weather, teddy's 2 year molars are coming in, and i have a baby living inside of me who makes me vomit in the morning, nauseous during the day, and whose favorite time to kick box is from hours 2 a.m. - 6 am.

my gut told me we should skip church. my gut told me to go to our favorite breakfast cafe and order all the bacon they had available, but i convinced myself to slip on a dress, wipe the sleep from my dry eyes, and wrestle an agile toddler out of his pajamas and into a comfortable simple church outfit.

my belly was feeling heavier than normal as we walked into the chapel (2 minutes early, thank you very much!) and as teddy realized that we wouldn't be going to the room full of toys, he began to softly protest and whimper.

a woman who i've never talked to before sitting in front of us turned around with an eyebrow raised and said with a scoff, "what? how can he already be pouting? we haven't even started yet!"

there were so many things i wanted to say. i wanted to tell her that i'd gotten less than 5 hours of sleep for the past several nights in a row, and i was this close to serial murder status. i wanted to tell her that teddy is teething and shy, and doesn't like being in crowded places surrounded by people he's unfamiliar with. i wanted to ask her what on earth possessed her to think that making an obvious statement about the mood of my toddler was a good idea, when she could've easily just said "hi," or smiled, or literally just kept her head facing forward and done nothing. no, she felt like it would be a good idea to ask me, a young mother she'd never met before how a small teething toddler could already be pouting, while at church. hey lady- have you met a toddler before? what normal toddler likes church? (anyone who writes a comment about their perfect kid who loves church will be blocked indefinitely. get outta here.)

the hormones kicked in, and i went from "ugh sunday" to "someone get me a machete livid" in a millisecond.

i didn't say any of the things that were sitting on the edge of my tongue. i gave her a tired, thin smile, and said, "well, he's a little boy," and then smiled at teddy, completely aware that this strange woman was talking about him, and said gently, "that's just fine, sweetheart. sometimes i don't want to be at church either." the woman turned around irritated, as though my response was the height of rudeness.

any other day, i'd roll my eyes and move on. not today. i had a lump in my throat the rest of the meeting. of course this week was the one where gid plays the organ and we sit alone, and of course anytime teddy made a sound the woman would give side eye and whisper to her husband, and at one point tears just started spilling out of my eyes, not because of what the woman said or thought, but because i was that tired, and i knew we should've gone the non-church bacon route this morning! i knew it!!

i spent the rest of the meeting in my own thoughts, pondering the many, many times i've said something that i thought could be funny, and when it came out of my mouth, i realized it was just rude. i thought about how many times i might've been that person; the one who just really puts a dark cloud on your day for almost no reason without recognizing it. i thought about how skilled people can be at wearing masks, and how you really never know what kind of a morning or day someone's had, and how it's always a good idea to be kind no matter what. i thought about what a champ teddy is for tolerating church meetings and how proud i am of him. i thought about how in the future, i need to follow my heart when it tells me to get bacon instead of going to church. bacon never judges you, or scoffs at your emotional toddler. bacon feeds your toddler and makes him happy. 

always go the bacon route, alyssa.

i'll never forget what today felt like. i'll never forget sitting in a pew, back aching, belly kicking, tears streaming down my face, with a crying toddler begging to go see the room with the cars. i'll never forget how bacon has never sounded more delicious or righteous than it did today. and the next time i see a tired mom with a cranky kid in target, or at the park, or at the airport, or at church, i'll remember how much it means to have someone in your corner on a day when you. have. just. had it.

thumper's mom was so right when she said "if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all."
anyway, that's what i learned at church today.
xo

two years old! (with a video!)

he's two, and i'm just over here drowning in pregnancy hormones thinking how much i love him, and how being a mama is so good and so hard.

hey teddy, if you're reading this i want you to know that i think you're the best kid ever. i love your puppy nuzzles and your scary growls, and how when you trip and fall you jump back up and say, "i'm okay!"

my favorite thing about our old house is hearing your little footsteps. hardwood floors get dusty, and i feel like i'm always mopping, but your little shuffle/gallop/runs make it so worth it.

i love how into reading you are, and how much you love being outside. there's a lot of kids who want to watch moana on repeat right now, but not you. no, you want to get as dirty and sweaty as possible, shove rocks up the rain gutter, and stay outside no matter how hot it is. moana's not bad, you know. you could give her a chance.

i love what a little homebody you are. you were that way when you lived in my tummy too. man, those doctors tried everything to get you out, and you were like, "nah, i'm good. i'll just stay here."

i'm just crazy in love with you, okay buddy? if i could choose out of all of the little boys in the world, you're the one i'd want. happy birthday.

my favorite parts of this (poorly made) video is how concerned teddy looks when he sees that the tractor toy candle is on fire, how relieved he is once it's extinguished, and how he still thinks cake is just okay. he had a tiny pinch of a bite, and then asked me for some sausage from the leftover pizza we had. it's fine- i ate the cake with no problems on my own.

xo

lately.

she's moving constantly. i remember when teddy was around this size getting so worried when i wouldn't feel movement for a few hours. i remember getting lumps in my throat and putting sugary things into my body and then laying down as still as i could, and silently hoping for the tiniest flutter. not this time around. she's always on the move. no sugar rush necessary.

i have that condition where you're sick your entire pregnancy. when i feel myself getting sick, i tell teddy i need to go cough and to give me some privacy, and he waits sadly by the bathroom door anxiously calling out "all done??" until i come out with a forced cheerful reply that i've finished. it's heartbreaking to see him uncomfortable for me. such a protective little bear.

the other day a stranger was telling me how she missed being pregnant; how she felt so feminine and attractive and special and alive and womanly, and i just stared into space, thinking how much i love my babies even though pregnancy, for me, is physically and emotionally exhausting and uncomfortable, and how that's okay. i can be miserable, and still be thrilled to be expecting.

on the bad days i try to remind myself of when we wanted to get pregnant so badly the first time around, and i list ways it could be worse. it helps to soften the exhaustion and frustration.

sleep escapes me. i've never been a great sleeper (until around 2 am, when i suddenly get really good at it) but pregnancy really brings out the insomniac in me. it's hard to be motivated to go to sleep at a reasonable hour when my brain is so desperate to be alert during the rare hours of the night that i have just to myself.

lately teddy is on a breakfast meat craze. he's constantly asking for sausage, bacon or pepperoni. i'm half proud ('cause i love meat too, kiddo!), and half nervous for what's coming in his next diaper.

the past few weeks he's been more clingy than usual. he senses there's something coming, and it's making him uneasy. i've been clingier than usual with him too. neither of us are good with change.

xo

ps- girl names are hard.

things i'm grateful for today:

i'm writing this from bed, half typing, half watching teddy drift awake from his nap from the view of his nursery monitor. he's so happy to be home. i've told you what a homebody he is, haven't i? his best, happiest mornings are the ones when we've just come home from out of town the night before. he cheerfully inspects his things that we didn't bring, making sure that all his books and toys are in place. he sporadically runs to me several times during the day, wrapping his arms around my neck and smacking his lips on my cheek. home is his favorite, and it's starting to become mine too. he's turning me into a mama homebody.

my heart has been bursting the past few days. i miss my family so much during the summer months. on our road trip home (when i get my best pondering in) i was thinking how lucky i am to have a family that i miss, and not one that i can't stand.

we came home last night to our creaky old house, and as we walked in, i immediately noticed how much better the kitchen looks now that i've finally installed the hardware to our kitchen cabinets. (don't ask me why that was so hard to check off the list- it literally took 5 minutes once the pieces were ordered in.) gid also installed our dishwasher and fixed our dryer, although i think i'll still use the clothesline on sunny days. it's becoming a real home, and i get giddy and emotional thinking about memories we're making and will make. sure- it's small and tired, and has a never ending to do list, but i love this little house so much.

it's wednesday, and i need to choreograph some classes, and pick up some flowers and groceries from the market. teddy reminded me that we need ice cream. he's pretty perceptive about what's missing from the freezer. a homebody that loves books and ice cream? best kid ever.

gid brought him into bed with us last night around 3 am when we heard sad little cries coming from his bedroom. (he sleeps with us when we're out of town, and the transition back to his bed is always a little bit of a bummer.) i know work has been stressing gid out, and he's not feeling well, and he still stays cheerful and sweet, even when it's the middle of the night. this morning, while teddy and i slept in, he quietly got ready for work and slipped out early enough so he can come home to us as fast as possible. teddy's been asking for him constantly today.

so grateful for things like morning cuddles and sloppy kisses.

for small arms wrapping themselves around my neck, and requests to read books again and again (and again and again and again and again).

so grateful for family, and building homes and memories.
so grateful for gideon, and for my little theodore.
so grateful for the tiny baby growing in my belly.


so so grateful.
xo


ps- 20 weeks along. due thanksgiving week. finding out what we're having in two days.

things i don't want to forget.

in the mornings when he begins to stir, gideon quietly pulls him out of his room and slips him into bed with us. the early light is softer in our room, and most of the time teddy drifts back to sleep, but every now and then he army crawls to my side of the bed and wraps himself around me like an octopus- legs around my neck and torso and arms cradling my head. it's brutal for me, but he seems to find it comfortable and i've found it best to just wait till he's snoring, and then roll him off of my face and next to me. i'm sure i'll miss it someday, but man- claustrophobia.

he loves songs and nursery rhymes, and i'm blown away by how many he's picked up on. toddler brain capacity and development is crazy, right? humans are amazing.

he's gotten so affectionate. he regularly walks over to me just to cup his hands on my cheeks and pull my face close to his, or will rest his head on my shoulder and give it a reassuring pat before heading over to his next adventure. i remember thinking to myself during his first year that he wasn't much of a snuggler, and feeling a little bummed about it. so much can change in a year.

he still is very shy around strangers, and it's been tricky finding balance between reassuring him that he doesn't need to be scared, and allowing him to feel safe and validated in his instincts. i'm open to tips from parents with shy kids.

he's been in a toddler bed for a few months now. i transitioned him with the thought that it would give him more freedom to get in and out when he chooses, but he insists on waiting for me to come into his room, and then asks me to crawl into bed with him and pretend to be a mama bear, and then a mama pup, and then a mama penguin, and every other mama animal he knows.

we're still doing two naps a day and i can't decide if i love it, or if i'm over it.

a few weeks ago we were visiting a park by our house, and he found and fell in love with a small abandoned tow truck toy. he gets sad about having to say goodbye to toys (like any toddler), but this was different- when i wouldn't let him bring it home with us, he was devastated, head down low and quietly whimpering "towtrucktowtruck" the whole way home, and the rest of the week. he'd bring it up several times a day, and whimper woefully again to himself. anyway, after looking at every target and walmart in boise and meridian, i found it and bought it for him.

guys. when i handed it to him, his face lit up immediately and he hugged the truck (complete with small pats), and then hugged me tightly before grabbing my face with his free hand, pulling it up to his, and saying "kk yewww mama!"

he's never said thank you without being prompted. my heart melted into a puddle. that tow truck was worth every penny.

xo

you and i are making a deal right now.

hi. i'm so tired. i've been swamped the past few weeks and i've felt this major shift in my ability to be present with my family, so i took a break from screens and writing and everything else. it felt necessary and important.

here's the thing- i wish so badly that i could be effortlessly incredible at everything i do, but i can't and i'm not because i'm a regular human being.

i'd love it if preparing excellent material for my class at bsu was something i could throw together in my brain while i was falling asleep, and my collaboration deadlines never fell behind. i wish parenting teddy felt like second nature to me, and writing well on my blog took five minutes during one of his naps, and the thought of cooking a meal or cleaning my house didn't make me want to shove bamboo up my fingernails. i wish i was better at time management and wasn't interested in hulu or netflix or facebook or instagram, and could fit everything interesting to me on my calendar, but i can't.

and while i reeally want to be awesome at all of these little side things going on in my life right now, i want more to not be a mom who spends most of her time glued to her phone, or stressing about choreography, or checking her email constantly, or worrying that too much time between blog posts has passed, right? like, that person sounds like the worst, right? i can't think of any gig, or social media site that should ever be more interesting than teddy pretending to be a puppy, which he does 75% of the day lately.

and my instinct is to give up on everything but family- like, if you can't do it 100%, then don't do it at all. but that's dumb too, right? it is. and the crazy thing is, i know so so many people, women especially, who feel this way. like they're drowning, but trying really hard to look put together because they don't want anyone to know that they're human, and having a horrible day (or month, or year, or whatever).

so you and i are making a deal right now. i'm going to take it easy on myself, and so are you. we're not going to think degrading things about ourselves, and we're going to do our best to build each other up. we're going to look at our phones less, and give our loved ones more. because the internet is hollow and fake, and our people are real, and warm, and something we can wrap our arms around and feel something with. we're going to try to not eat garbage (all the time), and find one beautiful thing in the mirror every morning, and other shiz like that.

what are your tips for being more in touch with the things most important in your life?
i want to care more about the real things and less about the fake ones.
xo

dear march,

i can't believe you're here already. i can't believe you're almost halfway over, march! the past few weeks have been so blurry, i know i'm usually hungry for that busy feeling, but right now having nothing to do on my list sounds pretty amazing. maybe that'll happen for me next month... (ha.)

dear teddy, could you slow down? please? just a little. you're killin' me over here, buddy.

dear semester, could you hurry up? i'm over you.

dear house, if you could stop having small break downs here and there, that'd be just greeeeat. 

dear plane tickets, why are you so expensive? 

dear gid, you're a rockstar. it's the crazy time at work and you're handling it like a champ. i admire you, and wish i was more like you. 

dear clouds, you send the softest, most lovely light into my little home.

dear weekend, take your time.

ps- i know i haven't written in weeks. I've been swamped, and promised myself to try not to let keeping up with writing here stress me out. thanks for listening. i'll be back soon.
xo

the perfect little t-strap. (discount code inside!)

one of my biggest goals for the new year is being more selective of the things that i buy. (not only for myself, but also for teddy and our home.) over the years i've caught myself buying things for the wrong reasons and then i find myself with a shocking amount of excess in my life.

so, new goal: only buy things that i love. i've noticed such a difference already. dressing teddy is so much more fun when i know that everything in his closet has been carefully and thoughtfully purchased. (it's made me love getting him ready for the day, and i know i've saved money by not mindlessly raiding online sales.) 

 a few months ago i came across this small business called mon petite shoes, and they make the most beautiful shoes for babies and toddlers with simple and elegant lines and design. these shoes have soft soles, allowing little feet to grow and develop while still offering support.

i actually gasped when i opened my package from the mail. they are gorgeous.
(i think they're actually even better in person. i can't seem to take a picture that does them justice, and i'm always getting questions about them when teddy wears them.)

julie, the founder of the small business (nicest person ever, btw) began making these shoes for her two little girls in 2014, and since then her shop has grown to offer two darling styles in about a dozen colors. we have both the t-strap and the oxfords (both in the cognac color because i cannot even handle it). these shoes are handmade with love, which sounds cheesy until you've touched them with your own two hands and have convinced yourself that you need all of them. i dare you to buy just one pair, guys. double dare.

showing a little thigh, ha!

so going back to my goal- only buy what you love. when i slide teddy's chubby feet into these shoes, when i see him running with his funny little toddler shuffle in them, i feel like they're making already beautiful memories even more beautiful for me. they're the kind of thing i'd keep in a memory box- something for his kids someday to wear. i have zero buyers remorse.

also- i have a tiny pair of the t straps sitting in a box labeled baby #2, and i'm not embarrassed about it even a little bit. (also not pregnant, in case you're wondering. that box won't be opened for a while, ha!)

you can get yourself a nice little discount using the code happypear15! big thanks to julie, for making such darling shoes, and to her kind assistant jenn for being so lovely to work with. we love this company and these shoes so much!

xo

real life.

i've spent too much time looking at screens this week. i can tell because i'm feeling quiet, lonely, and tired, and like my life is only okay. (which is ludicrous, because my life is amazing.)

teddy has started this new screaming thing. not cute squeals of delight. no. he does a blood curdling scream when he doesn't get his way. it makes him shake angrily, and sometimes he even throws himself onto the floor prior to, or following it. i tried ignoring it for a few days, and recently have started giving him 2 minute time-outs when he does it, which is showing slow progress. (now after screaming, he stops and quietly says to himself "no no no.")

i've been so off lately. i've been feeling achy, light headed, exhausted, and (heads up- TMI) my chest has been sore. i took one of my leftover pregnancy tests, and after seeing the clear negative still couldn't let it go. sure that i was peeing more than usual, i convinced myself the test may be old and went out to buy one of those early detecting pregnancy tests which also declared a clear negative. i spent the rest of the afternoon confused and frustrated by my disappointment. wasn't i just telling myself that teddy is driving me nuts and there's no way i could handle another baby right now?

there's nothing like two freshly failed pregnancy tests to make you sensitive to the abundance of darling baby pictures on social media. it's all i could see yesterday. and when i didn't see cute baby things, i saw beautiful pictures of thin pregnant women, or world traveling supermodels, or incredible white farmhouses, or professional dancers, and with every scroll of my finger i saw only what i felt i didn't have in my life, and it wasn't until i turned off the screen and cleared my head that i was able to acknowledge how ridiculous my feelings were, and that the pictures i'd been looking at were designed to make me feel that way in order to drive sales and clicks, and how stupid i was being to fall into the trap of comparing myself to that part of the internet; a fantasy land that is endlessly tailored, nipped, and tucked. i know this.

so no, i don't look like a zen yoga instructor on a strict diet of lettuce and chickpeas, and no, i don't live next door to my parents or my sisters (or anyone) who can watch my baby for me at a moments notice so i can fly to nyc spontaneously to watch hamilton for a night, and no, i don't have a nanny, or a cook, or a cleaning person to keep things at home under control while i go and pose for pictures taken by a skilled photographer that make me look like i casually have my perfect life together. i don't have those things; because that's not real life.

you know what i do have? i have a toilet full of pee right now, because i don't want to flush and wake my napping baby. i have a vase of dying sunflowers sitting on my kitchen table. i have a pantry with cookies inside and the thighs to back it up. i have a sink with dirty tupperware in it that i refuse to wash because i think that dirty tupperware is the worst. i have the most perfectly imperfect house that needs new windows, a new front door, and also has a leaky sunroom ceiling. i have an internet browser with plane ticket searches, an email my mom sent saying she and my dad are visiting next month, and several full online shop basket tabs open, waiting for me to commit and press "finalize order". i have a cable one bill, and a parking ticket sitting next to the computer that i still haven't paid because i like to wait until the last minute, because that's me living on the edge these days. i have two failed pregnancy tests in my bathroom trash can.

i have a sweet toddler who screams right now, and it drives me crazy. i have a husband who holds my hand, hogs the covers, is willing to clean dirty tupperware, and is the love of my life.

that's what's real. and important.
my little family is all that matters.

take that social media strategists.
xo

things i don't want to forget.

in case you haven't heard- utah and idaho are getting record amounts of snow this winter, and i. am. so. over. it. today when we rolled out of bed at 9:30 (thanks, teddy!) it felt extra calm and quiet, and i knew- i knew before i pulled the curtains open that there was a fresh layer of snow on the ground.

the past few weeks the snow has been irritating me, and i begrudgingly decided we should play in it for a few minutes this morning. teddy loved it. it improved my mood a little. getting outside is important.

it's time for me to buy a new pair of boots for him, and i'm a little devastated. he's growing too quickly.

thanks for the fun morning, sweetheart.

xo

teddy's boots

resolutions.

if you think resolutions are stupid -i hear ya loud and clear- but just keep scrolling to something else, 'cause i like 'em.

i like the thought of a clean slate. the thought of starting fresh.
the thought of myself making goals to not eat donuts for all three meals.
(that one didn't make the list this year. hashtag priorities.) 

so here- take 'em or leave 'em.
my 2017 resolutions:


simplify.

in 2017 i'm looking to majorly reduce the unnecessary things we have in our lives. those curlers that i haven't used in 2 years? DI. the box full of my 10 thesis drafts? recycling. (i have digital copies of them backed up, anyway. why am i so attached to them?!) i want to go through every item in this home with a fine tooth comb and really analyze the value it brings to my life. i'm hoping to be more selective about how i spend my time; say "no" to projects that i don't feel passionate about, and television programs that are obvious garbage. (all eyes on you, bachelor.) i'm looking to be more critical of what i buy, and decided to make a rule that i'm allowed to get anything that i want (within reason of course) but i have to be in love with it. i've bought too many dresses from anthropologie that were on sale and i only sort of liked, you know?

focus.

i've decided to dedicate 2 hours a day of undivided attention to teddy. no screens. no camera. no cooking. no laundry. no dishes. pure teddy. nap time is going to be exclusively dedicated to class preparation and collaboration deadlines, and once he's asleep, i'm allowing myself time to be all lazy and netflix and chill-y. i'm in the process of organizing a calendar that will help me rotate schedules to help keep our small house well cleaned and maintained. i'm happier in clean spaces, and have decided it's worth it to make a real priority. i also want to focus on drinking water first thing in the morning and with each meal, and getting 8-9 hours of sleep (and charging my phone in the living room instead of on my nightstand.)

chill out.

since having teddy i've caught myself getting swept up in bursts of anxiety (i talked about it in this post), and it's affecting my life in such a negative way. my last resolution is to go easy on myself. if i'm late on a deadline for a video collaboration (which i happen to be right now), i'm going to try to not hate myself for it. if the class i teach at bsu has an off day, i'm going to try to shake it off instead of convincing myself that i'm the worst teacher on the planet. if i step on the scale and catch myself heavier than normal, i'm going to try to look in the mirror and see something other than a number. when the week is taking forever, and i'm failing at the whole cooking/cleaning/getting out of pajamas thing, i'm going to remind myself that i'm doing my best, and if anyone thinks it's not enough, then they sound like a jerk who would suck to hang out with.
i'm going to try not to care about what people think, and i'm going to try not to endlessly compare myself to whatever i see with a pulse. i stress out too much over things that don't matter at all, and i'm going to try really hard to be better, because the people in my life (and me. especially me!) deserve better.

we might be a month in, but i'm starting my resolutions tomorrow 'cause i'm chill and i can.

happy 2017, people.
xo

things i don't want to forget.

the other night around 3 am i heard little noises coming from his room, and after checking our video monitor, i realized he was sleep talking. he kept saying "go go go. mamma mamma mamma. go go go." that's a game we play where i hold him and run around the house and hide. (like a one sided hide and seek.) 

you guys. he dreams about me.

and he says "please" like "peas". do all toddlers say it that way? it feels like it's common, but i love it so much, and i swear i've never heard it as cute as the way he does it. sometimes it sounds like a request. sometimes it sounds like a dangerous warning. i'm a pushover, so i love it either way.

yesterday he brought me his mouse cookie book and after i read it to him, he thoughtfully took my hand, took me to the pantry, and asked me for a cookie. (and said please! how could i say no?!) then he brought me his fire truck book, sat on my lap, and just as i was about to begin, he hurriedly ran to grab his firetruck to join him for the reading.

like always, he needs a haircut.

every now and then he comes up to me and kisses my knee, or my shoulder, or whatever body part is easiest for him to reach. when he does this, i drop whatever i'm doing, cuddle him, and wonder how i got such a sweetheart. it makes the biting worth it.

have i mentioned the biting lately? it's not a good situation.

anytime we go out in the car, we listen to this album. his favorite song is "ophelia". sometimes when i'm brave enough, i put on npr to listen to the news and he conks right out, which makes me smile. i'm glad he's too little for me to need to explain current events to right now.

his favorite foods are pizza, toast, apples, and chocolate milk. he's in love with airplanes.

if i can't find him, there's a 90% chance he's in his teepee. he sometimes goes in there to hide hoping i'll come find him, but i think he also loves it to have some personal space. sometimes i wish i had a teepee my size that i could hide in. (i finally took the dead christmas wreath off of it, but it still has twinkle lights. those will probably need to stay on year round, right?)

the past few nights when i've put him to bed, we've been listening to this song, and he calms down, and runs his fingers through my hair. i know he's asleep when he's stopped.

xo