packing the hospital bag.

i finally went to target and picked up some things for the hospital. i still haven't picked out a "diaper bag", but i'm not worried. i feel like i have about ten thousand bags right now and if for some reason i don't purchase one that i can officially call my diaper bag, it'll all work out just fine. 

this take home outfit for teddy makes my heart melt. i just know he's going to blow out all over it 2 minutes before we leave the hospital, but i still like him. bamboo swaddles- one of our top sellers at babinskis, and i've heard feel you can never have enough. i have friends who've recommended essential oils for relaxation, so i added those in as well. the rest of the things i picked up were mostly toiletries; facial wipes, lip balm, travel sized shampoo, conditioner, body wash. toothpaste and tooth brush. threw in the camera and some candies and grabbed a soft oversized maxi dress that i'm okay with getting ruined. i'm thinking about buying this robe off etsy, because it's cute. i also put in a nice towel and pillow from home.

anything i'm missing friends? i feel like i've bought a lot, but i also feel like there's a million things i probably have forgotten... 

help.

yesterday.

my mood has been pretty average over the past 8 months, (with the exception of feeling chubby once in a while). no major breakdowns. no crazy fits full of tears. no lashing out over a lack of ice cream in the house. gid kept saying "you're so... normal when you're pregnant. it's great!"

not yesterday.

yesterday i caught myself crying every few hours and i couldn't figure out why. i think the biggest reason is that i really can't sleep comfortably anymore, and i'm just so tired.

i think part of it is because the baby is coming and i've started getting really irrationally worried that i might drop him on accident or something like that.

i think part of it is because we're due for a move soon (we've been living in student housing for too long) and the thought of more change on top of a baby is crazy overwhelming these days. my friend was telling me how it's instinctive for mothers to want to stay in one familiar place when they're pregnant/have a new baby. like cats. apparently they refuse to give birth in an unfamiliar place or move when their babies are still tiny little kittens. that made me feel a little better. i'm like a cat.

i think part of it is that i'm scared of how bad it's going to hurt. my birthing class shows us videos of women who are gently whimpering during the worst part of labor. i feel like a kid who's about to get tricked at the dentist's office (this won't hurt at all, we're just going to pull a few teeth out, and then we'll give you a sucker, we promise....").
ps- did anyone else's childhood dentist traumatize them?

i think part of it is that i know this part of my life is slowly coming to an end, and while i'm wildly excited, i'm terrified at the same time, and feeling like i won't get to say goodbye in time. i like being able to go run errands and get ice cream anytime. i like living by my own schedule. i like having gid all to myself.

would i trade it for teddy? totally.
i'm just thinking i'll miss it a little sometimes.

if you're wondering, today i haven't been crying.
i've been trying to sleep.

picture story.

i found these photos in my camera from last year.

 can you believe how flawless her tangled and wild curls are?

she's got all the luck in the world, that one.

makes me want to do a fine art series of photographs just focusing on one feature at a time. 

sigh. lets go do a photoshoot, friends.

35 weeks.

can you believe how far we've gotten? wild.

sometimes late at night when teddy is restless i hum songs to him and he calms down. it's probably a coincidence but it makes me really like him. what a little sweetheart.

gideon did a load of laundry for me and i should've been like, "thank you, that's so sweet," but instead i was like, "terrific. now nothing will ever fit me again."

first thing i'm eating after labor is a freaking lunchable. i don't know why i never thought lunchmeat sounded good before teddy moved in.

i'm due on the 26th of june, but i keep telling myself the baby probably isn't coming until july; i have a feeling he wants to cook a little longer than the doctor says. 

i feel like i pretend to sleep at night.

when i just wrote that i realized that i'm probably having my best sleep right now for the next 2 years. dangit.

i'm 5 pounds over the maximum that i thought i'd gain. whatever. cupcakes for everyone. i'm tired of apologizing to myself lately.

sometimes i wish netflix would just assume that  "YES I DO want to watch the next episode, and please don't make me get up to confirm."

this week we put up the crib. we're putting the car seat in. i'm packing my hospital bag. i feel like it's really going to happen, and at the same time feel like there's no way it's ever happening.

my back aches constantly. if gid randomly told me today that he wanted to become a chiropractor i'd be all for it.

i haven't thrown up in over a week you guys. 35 weeks must be my charm. i don't care, i'll take it! i love not throwing up so much.

can everyone send good vibes that a 2 bedroom will open up in our apartment complex? the odds are slim to none but i'm determined to be optimistic.

telling him.

i know that we're a lot closer to mother's day than father's day 

(what i was originally saving this clip for), but i just couldn't help myself.

every so often when gid has a bum day, or if he's nervous/stressed about work or life, i sit him down and give him a pep talk where i insist he repeat everything i say to him. i mostly do it to make him laugh and feel better about himself, because he's the best ever, and the thought of him not believing that for a second is unacceptable.

as you can imagine, this pep talk had a bonus surprise in it.

enjoy sweet friends.

i love how when i have him say "someday i'm gonna be the best dad" the first and second time, he really has no idea what's coming. i'd always make him say that in my pep talks, even when we weren't trying to get pregnant. 

           

can you believe this sweet face?
i'm so in love.

rainy weekend wishlish

it's been pouring all day. sigh.

anyone else wish they had an unlimited budget to buy some of these rainy day lovelies?

okay, i'm in love with this cool stripy see through umbrella (1), and these mommy (2) and me (3) boots. does anyone else think it would be cool to forego a traditional diaper bag for something like this one (4)? i posted these matching raincoats-women's version from jcrew (5) and baby version from gap (6)- because hello they're so cute.
(if you hurry you could get it for cheaper than the website-i found the baby version at city creek this weekend for less than $10)  

which umbrella do you guys like more? 1 or 7? i can't decide...

happy weekend.

shadow puppet story.

while i was visiting, every morning she'd climb down from the top bunk and snuggle in bed with me before enthusiastically suggesting we go get breakfast. one morning we used light from my cell phone and shapes from our hands to make shadows on the wall and ceiling.

she loved it so much, so i got some card stock, scissors and found some sticks from a cake pop kit that hadn't been used. i looked up some silhouette images online, traced them, cut them out, and after taking these pictures we even added tulle to the skirts. (if you watch the video closely you can tell)

...and that's how you make the core cast of a shadow puppet ballet company.

hoping we could remember how much fun we had, i insisted that we set up the camera and try to document. it was a different setting than we normally used, and the lighting was pretty bad, but we still had fun.

spoiler alert: the best part is mimi's ending bow.

the rest is just okay. her bow makes it worth watching.

rainy days and scales.

hey. i had a weird day.

yesterday i was crazy sluggish and took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day after a full nights rest. when i woke up i realized teddy hadn't been kicking for a several hours (which is why i was able to sleep...) and went into a teary frenzy of looking things up online, eating lots of sweets and playing obnoxious music next to my belly. of course it all turned out to be fine, i just couldn't believe how quick and easy it was for me to lose it.

today it was rainy, which i normally love.
today i didn't love it.

on a regular day, i'd open all the windows, pick a book to read, (ok, who am i kidding- these days, i'd def just turn on netflix...) and lounge the day away while i eat cold cereal with socks on. lounging is a lot less fun when negotiating a new uncomfortable body. i've been doing this thing where all movements revolve around my belly. i take breaks just walking from one end of the apartment to another. i pee constantly. i feel bad about the way i look.

and i'm super ashamed. not about my belly so much as the fact that i'm not enjoying this the way i thought i would. i thought i would rock at being pregnant. i don't. and it annoys me. i really wanted to be good at this.

to be fair, some days i'm better at it than others. today is a weird day.

i finally stepped on the scale tonight (why would you do such a thing, alyssa?!) and scowled first at the number, and then at myself for scowling. sometimes i try to imagine myself as a separate person. if my best friend were pregnant and confided in me the number of pounds i've gained, i'd give her a hug and insist we go eat ice cream to celebrate. if she told me she felt fat, i'd roll my eyes and tell her she needed to take some crazy pills. if she told me how badly she wanted to be one of those girls that loses the weight like five minutes after the baby comes, i'd frown and think it was a really sad; how she wasn't enjoying her perfect little bump and the sweet bounces within while it lasts. especially since i also knew she'd wanted this more than anything. i'd feel a little annoyed and sorry for her, but i wouldn't say it out loud; i wouldn't want to set her off, since i know she's on edge these days . geez. i kinda sound like a frienemy...

ugh. it's so cliche, always being dissatisfied with the scale. so boring. predictable. like a bad sitcom from the 90s. if you have a subconscious need to be dissatisfied, let's start with the list of classic literature you haven't finished. be bummed that your photography could be better, or that you're done with grad school even though you feel like you have more to learn. you don't get to be sad that you're gaining weight while in the process of GROWING A PERSON.

let's try something new, alyssa. let's try to not be so textbook. you're making me yawn and roll my eyes, which is crazy when it happens at the same time. boring. next.

i'm tired.
i think i'll just go to sleep and try to do better tomorrow.

Happy May!

Anyone care to join?