midnight diary.

i'm wide awake. eyes open, breath calm, staring softly at the ceiling of the bedroom that i grew up in. this always happens. at home, i have such a hard time drifting to sleep. tiny snores seep out of teddy curled up next to me. was my room always this big? man, it seems spacious.

i think about all the things that have changed since i lived here. moving out of texas. college. tour. getting married. grad school. becoming a mom. a mom? how is that even possible?! how did i get here? 

my mind goes back to different memories from the room, and then to different memories from my life. like the first time a boy tried to kiss me, or that time i spent an afternoon crying because i didn't get a part in a play. i remember switching schools in junior high, not knowing anyone, and during my first day at lunch being invited by a boy to sit with him and his friends. it wasn't flirtatious. he just saw that i was alone, and felt sorry for me i think. i remember how the boy who reached out the invitation died a few years ago, and i never told him how much that meant to me; having someone to sit with on the first day at a new school. i wish i would've told him.

i remember my pre-teen and teenage heart getting butterflies, and then stomped on. the time the popular boy in school bought me 2 dozen roses on valentines day in the 8th grade, and then 2 weeks later forgot i existed (i probably should've said thank you or something...) or that incredible jerk who told me that every girl in our high school could stand to lose 10 pounds, and i took it to heart (and kept liking him! what the hell, alyssa?!) or that quiet boy who i had a quiet crush on, and never said anything, and then learned later, when it was much too late, that he had a quiet crush on me too, and how i wish one of us had more courage, or gosh, how the meanest people i knew were girls from church, and how ironic that was, and how i remember never wanting to make anyone feel the way they made me feel, particularly in a place that should always feel safe.

i think about how i really only had one best friend in high school and how she's getting her PHD at yale right now, (i don't have many close friends, but i do have excellent taste) and how grateful i am to have had such a good high school best friend. i remind myself to reach out to her (like we always do) and suggest getting together during the holidays. of course, i end up forgetting, and then wonder if subconsciously i'm avoiding spending time with someone who i think is so cool and accomplished because it will remind me that my life, while beautiful and not one i'd ever want to trade, feels blasé sometimes.

i think of how much it must've sucked for my parents to deal with kids in high school, and how much it's probably going to suck for me to deal with it too. i hope to myself that teddy is the kind of boy to invite someone sitting alone to his lunch table in junior high.

i pull the covers a little higher, look at the clock and tell myself it's definitely time now, time to go to sleep.

and after checking my email, facebook, instagram, and watching part of a documentary on netflix, i finally do.
xo

a corner of teddy's play room (with a video!)

okay, our friends over at tnees tpees sent us one of their darling teepees for teddy's playroom, and i've been so crazy in love with it, guys. (i hide in there sometimes while teddy naps to watch netflix, and i swear it improves the binge episode watching experience. #justsayin)

found this tiny wreath at trader joes, and i'm all heart eyes over it.

i've been in the market for one of these for a couple of months now, and i felt like everything i looked at was too big, too expensive, or too elaborate. (for instance, i found this vw bug teepee that was pretty cute, but it was a bit much for my taste.) i'm trying so hard to keep the styling in our home as minimal as possible, and the natural teepee from this shop has been so so perfect for our little playroom.

the other night we hired a babysitter while we went to the nutcracker, and we we got home she said that teddy crawled into the teepee, put his head on the pillow, and his little bummie in the air and just went right to sleep. sweet baby bear.

i've loved how mobile our teepee has been (our house isn't exactly enormous, and this has been really easy to set up, or put away if i need more space), and especially how charming it makes the space in our playroom. we've gotten several compliments, and i think teddy is just going to love it more and more the older he gets.

these teepees are hand made with love in america by a husband wife duo, come in a wide variety or styles and colors, (ugh the neutral lace would be so lovely for a little girl's nursery!!) and i can attest for the quality and dedication to the brand and quality of product.

and bonus: here's a little video of the teepee in our home:


check it out friends. promise you won't be dissapointed.
xo

ps- can you believe christmas is in five days??! 

should someone be stressed out if they haven't purchased any presents at this point?
asking for a friend.

tnees tpees
cushion & rugs (washable!)
mobile

we got a tree. and other things.

you guys know we moved just before thanksgiving, right? and that we've been living out of suitcases and boxes since, right? and that moving, and unpacking, and trying to furnish a new home with a toddler in the middle of busy work season is the worst, right? and that we would've been well within our rights to skip getting a tree this year, right? right??!!

k, i can tell i'm making it too obvious how proud of us i am for making time to get a tree this year, so i'll move on.

i told myself buying a tree wouldn't matter because teddy won't remember it. i'm so glad we got one anyway, because he loves it, and what kind of a jerk would i be to skip buying a tree just because i was too tired? 

dat face tho.

moral of the story: always get a tree if you can, even if you don't want to because you're too tired and annoyed about all the boxes you have to unpack. it's worth it times a hundred. 

happy snowy friday, people. stay warm out there.
xo

teddy's sweater
teddy's outfit (sale!!)
teddy's boots
teddy's hat

today.

today it's snowing, and it makes me want to curl up in a blanket, cuddle with teddy, and watch netflix all day.

today, i feel like we'll never really be moved in. we've been here for almost a month, and it's still a mess. i still haven't had our specialty doorknobs installed, which makes me laugh and then sigh sadly. we haven't finished the hardware on our cabinets. our dishwasher and clothes dryer haven't been properly installed because of hiccups here and there, and i'm starting to wonder if the backsplash in our bathroom and the kitchen will ever happen. the problem is- we moved, but our lives didn't go on hold. we're both still working, and dealing with schedules, and deadlines, and any non essential task went straight to the back burner. and man, unpacking is like the most dangerous game ever-- talk about one step forward, three thousand steps back. where do i put my weird shoeboxes full of craft things? and why do i have so much yarn? i don't knit, guys- seriously, why do i have any yarn????

today in a dismal effort to distract myself from online shopping, i looked at plane tickets to places all over the world and it was just a really really bad idea. (there are tickets from boise to london right now for less than $650 round trip. byeeeeee.)

today i'm wondering how it's possible that our laptop and car haven't had any problems for the last almost decade, and yet they both managed to die within a week of each other right after we moved and have no money. when it rains it pours, i guess. things are expensive. i think that's why i've been so bad at writing on here lately-- i usually write in the covers of my bed on the laptop. sitting down at a desktop is so much more commitment for some reason. i could write all day from the comfort of my bed. i wrote my entire thesis wrapped in blankets.

today i'm determined to unpack the stacked suitcases and boxes labeled "other clothes" that have been shoved in my closet for the past 3 weeks. not looking forward to it.

today i feel quiet, heartbroken, and helpless about aleppo. these are mothers, fathers, sons and daughters being trapped and hunted, and it feels like no one is doing anything.


today i love having hardwood floors that let me hear the pitter patter of tiny feet running through our home excitedly. i'm grateful for the way he adores me lately; the way he leans his head on my leg and kisses my knee gently for no reason before running away with those same little pitter patters. i love him so much.

today i'm grateful for this creaky, tiny, old home (even if it doesn't have doorknobs just yet). i'm grateful that the car and laptop breaking down was just annoying, and not debilitating to our budget. i'm grateful for a healthy rascal of a boy. i'm grateful for freedom. for safety. i'm grateful for hide and seek and peek a boo. i'm grateful for facetime, and for best friends. i'm grateful for the snow that's falling outside, and the blankets that keep us warm. i'm grateful for the gold lights on the tree in our corner, and for a season that feels magical regardless of the beliefs you hold onto.

happy wednesday. i'm going to try to go unpack.
xo

back.

hi. it feels like i haven't been on here in weeks. oh wait. 

let me catch you up-

-our house isn't finished.

-we moved in anyway.

-the laptop died. (angry.)

-i still haven't unpacked.

-thanksgiving happened.

-we got a tree.

-it snowed.

-i'm done teaching for the semester.

-i still have more gray hair than seems fair for someone of my age and girlish charm.

that about covers it, i think.

thank you for still checking in on me, guys. thank you for understanding that moving takes over your life, and things fall through the cracks. thank you for bringing me lunch, sending me packages, buying me flowers, and lending me things that i still haven't returned. (i am the worst, libby- i'm so sorry.) thank you for being there for me.

it still makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit that i have a blog, but it's connected me to some of the best friends ever. i'll be posting real things soon, if you care. and if you don't, thanks for stopping by anyway. happy friday.

xo

halloween 2016

guys, with everything going on in our lives, we came close to just throwing in the towel for halloween. teddy is too little to really enjoy it, and trying to find costumes was really draining me on top of work and house stuff. in the end, a dear friend of mine lent me both a witches hat and teddy's lion costume, (thanks, libby!!) and we were able to throw the rest together in less than 24 hours.

i put on green make up for the first time in my life (haven't felt clean since), and dressed teddy's favorite bear as dorothy. we were missing the tin man, but whatever- i'm so proud of us for making an effort!

normally i try to take the time to get my nicer camera out and take some good pictures, but this year we just used our phones. *shrug* oh well. 

here's our halloween in bad pictures, guys:

^^ugh, i felt soo ugly with paint on my face! i don't wear foundation,
and the feel of it was driving me nuts all night.

^^you can see dorothy a little better in this picture.

xo

ps- this song has been stuck in my head all day:

'Twas Halloween, and the ghosts were out

And everywhere they'd go, they shout

And though I covered my eyes, I knew

They'd go away

But fear's the only thing I saw

And three days later 'twas clear to all

That nothing is as scary as election day

-norah jones

i cried.

this morning i met my best friend in boise at a coffee shop to say goodbye before she moves across the country. and then i drove home, put teddy down for a nap, consumed an gigantic muffin, and had an emotional breakdown.

i cried because i already miss her.
i cried because teddy was sleepy and being a rascal, and made our goodbye feel even more rushed than it already was. i cried because things like friends moving makes me feel old. i cried because this renovating process has been so much longer, and more difficult and emotional that i imagined it would be; and we still haven't even moved. i cried because this election legitimately scares me. i cried because i miss my mom and my sister, and i'm jealous of people around here whose entire family live within a 15 mile radius of them, and even though i enjoy the space gid and i have, i secretly wish i had that kind of family support system too, and courtney was the closest thing i had to that here.

and i cried because even though my life feels so good right now-- (five years ago if you'd told me that in 2016 i'd have a darling little boy, gid would have a terrific job, we'd be moving into our first home, and i'd have more opportunity to work than i could take on, i would've thrown a party to celebrate.)-- even with that, some days it feels like i'm still trying to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life.


and i think, for me at least, that's just how it is. maybe there will always be a whisper in the back of my mind asking me when i'm going to finally get myself together.

but, "together" according to who? who am i comparing myself to? certainly, there's people out there who are more "put together" than i, but certainly there's also people who have just as little (or less) of an idea of what they're doing with their life.

i guess what i'm saying is that i think we're all just faking it sometimes.
(sometimes not. sometimes i can be a boss. and i know you can too.)

but sometimes i think we're faking it a little. and i think that's okay.
i miss my friend.
xo

important things.

let's start with the most important thing i want to tell you this morning: teddy said "please" for the first time last night, and it made my heart swell, and i gave him a whole chocolate chip cookie as a reward (#badparenting). i'm so so proud of him. you should've heard the way he said it too; (it sounded more like "eese?!" and he also did the sign language motion for it at the same time, and my heart exploded all over the kitchen floor). all the cookies, teddybear- you can have all of them.

next most important thing to tell you is that our kitchen countertops were installed this morning, and our bathroom is almost completely functioning. this is a big deal, people. now that we have a flushing toilet, i feel like maybe we'll move in for real someday. (hope so, since we put in our notice at our apartment complex.)

the next most important thing to tell you is that the new new upper cabinets (if you follow my insta stories, you may have seen the ones that originally came back from shipping were broken and i was so so angry about it) will be here next week which is crazy fast and exciting. i also found a new chandelier (the ikea one we originally bought that i loved was sooo much bigger than i imagined it would be) and we'll be installing that this week as well. ugh, it feels like the progress is happening so much faster now than it did at the beginning! relief!!

the next most important thing is a question- does anyone know excellent hardware websites for kitchen cabinets? my heart wants antique english brass fixtures, because they're beautiful and old looking, but my head is telling me to stick with the black since they're less expensive, have a cleaner look, and i don't have to worry about matching finishes. (they also don't clash as badly with the appliances we've chosen...)

ugh, my head has always been stronger than my heart.
i'm still reaching out to see if anyone knows of an awesome website i can check out.

his fave fave fave thing is being pushed around in this little red wagon. (thank you courtney!)
mama's back is sore.

the next most important thing for me to tell you is that our red tree in our backyard is almost completely bare, but the tree next to it is just starting to lose the most lovely yellow leaves, and teddy has shifted his attention to it. i love how much he loves our backyard. that's important, right?!

the last most important thing is that i've picked the winners from the eeboo giveaway (i should've picked weeks ago, but life is crazy, and i'm a wreck, and i'm only getting to it now.) congratulations katie murdock, and krista widdinson! send me a message confirming that you saw this, and we'll get you set up with eeboo.

happy wednesday.
xo

life.

life is crazy right now. too much going on, particularly in my dance world. i think it'll be better once we've moved into our home, but it's gotten to the point that anytime i'm working on choreography or class material, teddy gets weepy and begs me to hold him. he hates when i get into dance mode (unless i'm holding him and spinning- that he loves). i worry about him feeling less important than my work, but i also think it's healthy for him to know how to be patient, and that he's not the center of the universe. anyone else struggle with that? i'm open to tips.

the past month a lot of opportunities have been thrown at me, and i've spent sleepless nights thinking about the pros and cons of working versus staying at home. in the middle of a mental conversation with myself, i admitted that one of the reasons i'm eager to get out of the house is because i often feel like i don't belong there. i imagined i'd slip into motherhood much easier than i have, and even though i know i'm hard on myself, i still feel like i'm bad at it.

and i don't like hanging out in situations that i feel like i'm failing in. put me in a studio, and i'll put together a show for you. but ask me to cook a simple meal for my 15 month old, and i'll crumble to the ground, question everything happening in my life, and eventually call zupas with a pickup order ready to go.

the thing is- the last year has been the best of my life. and i'm cringing as i type, because it's so cliché, but whatever- it's true. i've hardly gotten any sleep, i've experienced deeper blues than ever before, and silver hairs making appearances don't even phase me anymore.

but i've also fallen hard in love. with teddy, and with gideon all over again (some days more than others, of course). i've fallen in love with short naps and hot showers, and a million other little things that i never appreciated the way i do now. i've fallen in love with his smiles, and chubby legs. i've fallen in love with nap time, and story time. i've gotten a glimpse of how my parents feel about me, which makes me fall in love with them a little bit.

yesterday when i came home from teaching, teddy wriggled excitedly out of gideon's arms, and ran with open arms and happy squeals to give me a hug and a wet kiss. he wouldn't let me out of his sight the rest of the night. immediately after i'd go into a room where he couldn't see me, i'd hear concerned noises until he found me and reach his arms to me; silently asking to be held. he rested his head on my shoulder and cooed "mama" softly. he giggled and snorted while we read bedtime stories. and after getting him down in his crib, and i finally had some time to myself, i caught myself mostly looking at pictures of him on my phone, or thinking about things that he needs, or wondering what kind of a example i'm giving him. it feels like i've turned into a completely different person. it scares me, and confuses me.

and then i reminded myself that for the first time in what feels like a long time, i've been feeling happy. and that's the most important thing. work is stressing me out. the house is stressing me out. i still have bad days- ugh, some days teddy is such a little rascal, and drives me nuts. but i've noticed a positive shift in my mood towards being at home. i'm happier here than i've been since our move last year.

i'm not making any announcements about how much work i'll be taking on in the next year.

i just wanted to say that i'm happy right now.
and it feels really good.

xo

being sub-par, and other things.

he's turned into such a mama's boy lately, and i love it. also- i feel like i've earned it- the first 13 months of his life, he openly preferred gideon to me (he'd be a grouch all day until dada came home from work, and then all of a sudden he was an angel). these days though, he'll drop his favorite toy for a snuggle with me. when i come home from work, he trots to me with a squeal and lovingly murmurs "mama" as he nuzzles himself into my neck.

i remember a friend of mine saying that motherhood gets better when they start giving back a little.
this is what she meant, and she was so right.

i've been collaborating with a dance company here in boise, and he's been tagging along with me to the rehearsals which is fun some of the time, and hard a lot of the time. he resents my attention being away from him, and will take my face with both of his small hands and force eye contact in the middle of a run. he's also gotten really good at rolling to the ground. the kid is graceful. i don't mean to be presumptuous but he's definitely the most talented human on the planet.
side note- he also really likes to eat rocks right now.

^^can you even handle this baby cow sweater??!

i feel spread too thin right now. i'm teaching at bsu, choreographing with idt, helping get our house move-in ready in the evenings, and changing diapers furiously in between. and i know i've got it easy. sometimes i really feel like i'm a horribly sub-par mother (/teacher/choreographer/diaper changer). it seems like every other mom i know gets more accomplished than i do. i'm determined to not accept any more side jobs until next year. i'm going crazy.

on a happier note, i'm falling in love with our home. when we first walked through it, i vaguely thought it had potential, but the more time i spend in it, and the more i watch it transform into what we envisioned, i realize it's actually my dream home. i can't thank the people who have helped us get this far with it enough. i've never loved a house like i love this one. it's small, and it's creaky, but it's doing it's best and i love it so much.

it's tuesday, and leaves are falling, and before we know it, the holidays are going to be here.
i hope you're staying warm.
xo