giving up on blogging and other stuff.

he doesn't want to sleep lately, and i'm annoyed and jealous by it. if i could nap anytime i wanted and have someone change my clothes, feed me and wash me, i'd ride that wave all the way home. then again, he's not allowed to eat cake yet, and i am, so maybe my life isn't so bad. hashtag the grass is always greener.

it was gid's birthday yesterday, and i feel like he needs a do over. both of our birthdays and our sixth anniversary (plus a move) are within the first 3 months of teddy's little life. which means we don't really celebrate as much as wipe spit up off of ourselves and steal a smooch every now and then. i just pretend spit up is an expensive facial cream these days.

being a stay at home mother is more lonely than i thought it would be.

i've started following a bunch of fashion bloggers on instagram. i don't know why, since all i wear oversized t-shirts and socks these days. it's fun to live vicariously, i guess. hopefully by the time i start wearing real pants again, this flare jean trend will have passed. hashtag nope.

teddy on my lap right now.

the other day i decided i don't want to blog anymore. (i just hate that word: "blogger". blegh) i decided it's too hard to keep up with it, and it's time spent that i could be napping. or eating. no, exercising! (that's right alyssa, blame your blog on not losing the baby weight.) also, it's not like a ton of people read it. also people can be jerks. there's a lot of frienimies out there.

but i don't write for other people so much as i write for me. hashtag my blog is my therapist.

sometimes it feels like i don't know how i feel about anything anymore. gosh, i need a nap.

teddy has been sleeping (read: pretending to sleep) on my lap while i've written this post. i'm getting pretty good at typing one handed. i used to always attempt to put him in his crib when he dozed off. not anymore. hashtag i'll take what i can get.

it's gently raining right now, and since we have a skylight, there's a soft pitter patter in the background as i write these last few words. maybe the white noise will help him sleep longer. the view from where i'm sitting is pretty nice right now, after all...

2 months.

...can we talk about how teddy was the size of this bear
when he came home from the hospital?!

teddy is getting so tall. i never thought i'd have a tall baby.

he's been crying more than usual lately. we just passed two months- i think that's a growth spurt or something like that, right? he's also showing signs of teething (sobbing emoticon). i hate not being able to just give him pain meds, which is funny, because i never took meds until i had him. now i see how awesome they are, and i want to spread the happiness.

speaking of medication, my incision still aches sometimes, and i take tylenol for it every now and then. i really thought i'd be done by now. i can't touch the scar, it's still so sensitive. was that the case for the rest of you c section mamas? i wish i would've taken it easier when it really counted.

i get how people get addicted to pain medicine. i used to think that was so strange and silly (strilly?) now i get it. if i could buy percocet over the counter, i'd do it in a heartbeat, so i could do things like exercise or take a dance class without getting anxiety. i did that jillian michaels 30 day shred for a week and had to take a break because it was too much. it's a pretty basic workout, and i was already modifying so that was a little discouraging. i just want to fit in my cute clothes again.

the other day teddy had a blowout while i happened to just be wearing an oversized t shirt (no pants), and when he spilled out of a his diaper, i seriously thought for a moment that i was crapping myself. so warm, that poo. there was another time that we were both napping and he legit woke us both up by filling his diaper. i used to be so proud of him for bowel movements. now i'm like, "i get it, you're really good at this..."

he smiles and coos while i change his diaper after a blow out. that's considerate of him at least.

we went to the balloon festival (the evening one). i don't know why i suggested that. it was fun (for the first bit), but i started getting worried about teddy with it getting colder and the crowds and smoke made me uneasy. next time he'll be older, and maybe we could do one of the morning ones instead. gid snapped a nice picture on our way out. when we look back years from now, maybe we'll remember it as being more enchanting than stressful.

i have such incredible friends. checking up on me via email, text, or phone call. sending packages. visiting and chatting. dropping off "anonymous" care packages at my door (i know that was you courtney- it had your thoughtful consideration written all over it). i've been sort of second guessing myself as to whether moving back to boise was the right choice, but then i look at what kind of people i have here (friendships that have continued just as strong even with my four year absence), and i feel like our life is pretty great. i do miss salt lake shopping. thank goodness for the internet.

anyway, that's all for now.

instagram confuses me, and other stuff going on...

i never thought i'd say this, but i'm going to: i miss salt lake. i miss working. i miss our old neighborhood. i miss the my favorite local restaurants and boutiques. i miss familiarity.
man, i couldn't wait to get out of that place, and now i just miss it.

my car was in the shop for a few days and with how smokey it's been outside lately, teddy and i just stayed indoors for like four days straight. it was rough for both of us.

this image is blurry and overexposed, but LOOK AT THOSE LIPS!

he doesn't want to sleep for more than 30 minutes lately. then, around 7 pm he takes a 4 or 5 hour nap, waking up right when i start to get drowsy. and he is crazy ravenous all the time. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

i prepared a real meal for the first time since about month two of my pregnancy. (read: threw 4 ingredients in the crock pot and passed out from exhaustion) it was less fulfilling than i hoped it would be.

teddy is getting chubbier.
and he has the sweetest little sweaty head.
and he's on his way to full on laughing.
sometimes he looks like a little old man.
it melts me even on the hardest days.

i just started using instagram, and i'm hella confused. is it okay to tag in comments with the MILLION amazing giveaways or do people hate that? how do you regram? how do people manage to find time to take such cool pictures all the time? is everyone a photographer now? WHAT IS HAPPENING? if you feel sorry enough for me, please answer these very real questions that i have. i'm not kidding.

i exercised on saturday. gid and i went to the gym in our apartment complex (with teddy in his carseat sleeping) and i power walked for a mile (it felt like 5), biked for 5 miles (that felt like 20), and lifted laughably small amounts of weight. sigh. i'm never going to be one of those really thin girls, am i?

i still need to unpack you guys. it makes me sad. the other day i got bummed about how hard this transition has been and i caught myself wiping a tear with a used burp cloth.

i sleep on my tummy now. i never slept on my tummy until the option was taken away from me with pregnancy. now sleeping on my tummy is the best thing in the world.

it's sunday, which means tomorrow is monday,
which means i lose gideon again. just me and teddy.
sigh. i'm going to go find that burp cloth.
here we go, week.

weekend wishlist

i'm dying to shop these days. not for me, (i'm scared to try on clothes) but for teddy and future babies. is that nuts of me? there's so much cute girl stuff out right now, and i keep thinking to myself that i should buy it in case we have a little lady years from now when everything i like is gone. i know, of course, that if i do buy these things, i'm sealing my fate of only ever having boys.

here are the things i'm drooling over this week, friends:

nuna leaf toy bar. we have the seat and we're loving it- just trying to decide if we need this little accessory.

how about these chew necklaces?! cutest i've seen.

burts bees baby outfits. before teddy came i bought several at TJMAX for super cheap and have loved them, so now i check their website for deals.

this "i hate running" shirt is the only thing i'd be willing to go for a jog in these days. i think i need it.


swaddles, burp cloths, & blankets for a little lady. can you stand it? now i'm thinking about baby girl names. (isla, isabelle, vivienne, lola, clara, i could go on...)

important question: is it overkill to have two diaper bags? cause i love this one, but i was already gifted a gorgeous one that i love. (stroller clips: unnecessary, right?!)

remember how we moved and i lost the battery charger to my camera and now i feel like i can't have a nice long photoshoot of teddy without my camera dying? lame. i'm going to find it as soon as i order a new one, mark my words.

this baby bear shirt is to die for, right?! they have a matching mama bear one. oh my heart.

if anyone wants to send me a million dollars to fund me being a mama with expensive taste, that'd be great. kthanksbye.

update

i've washed pee off my couch three times this week. whatever. i'm telling myself that since he's still so new, his urine is practically tahitian spring water.

my back is really killing me. as if breastfeeding wasn't hard enough- it's like "here, lets torture your nipples, and also make you get into a really weird position that throws your ribs out of alignment. "

motherhood is magical at times.
if by magical you mean miserably painful.

a trip to target has transformed from "i'm just going to grab some detergent really quick", to this beautiful wonderful place i never appreciated before i had a baby. god bless you, nate berkus. you make beautiful crap.

when i'm trying to fall asleep, i daydream which would be a better 30th birthday present to myself: a trip to france on my birthday (french independence day so hello FIREWORKS by the eiffel tower), or a nice long ride on a hot air balloon. wouldn't that be fun? which would you pick? maybe we should do both. i mean, it's thirty. (i fall asleep when i start calculating how much it will cost.)

two more weeks till i'm "allowed" to do light exercises. i've never been so excited to use my muscles. if i hear one more girl talk about how breastfeeding bounced her right back to her pre-pregnancy weight after 2 weeks i'm going to scream. i need EXERCISE. and diet (hahahaha). and some liposuction maybe...

to be fair, i shouldn't compare myself to people successful at breastfeeding. teddy and i are still struggling with it. this kid is so hot and cold when it comes to nursing. i'm determined not to feel bad if we have to throw in the towel.

you know what makes me feel better about myself? every time?? bachelor in paradise. YOU GUYS. i can be un-showered, baby throw up all over me, eating garbage, wearing a raggedy t shirt, and a messy bun ridden with gray hairs, and five minutes of this show makes me feel smart, funny, and classy. i watch it when i'm really having a rough day. reality television, man. what a hot mess.

i feel like i'm always walking around with one sleeve of my clothes off, exposing at least one shoulder (either i'm preparing to nurse, or i've just finished). it makes me feel like an Egyptian princess. i dig it. there's not many things i love about my body, but i do enjoy showing off a collarbone once in a while. i have pretty nice collarbones. and my wrists are kinda great. there. i complimented myself twice.

right now i have one foot neatly polished, and the other not. it feels like i have sharpie written across my feet "i'm too tired, flustered, and lazy to finish taking off the polish on this foot. get over it." i bet no one has even noticed.

teddy is starting to smile on purpose you guys. it kills me. he's such a sweet little guy. did you see his little pensive face in the picture above? can you even handle it? he's so handsome, right?! can babies be handsome already??

i feel like i'm starting to move on emotionally from the c section. for a while i couldn't talk about it without getting choked up.  it's starting to feel like my scar hurts more than my heart. that's major progress for me.

5 things that made this week not suck too bad...

1- jack johnson.

teddy was on a screaming marathon, which isn't normal, and just as i was about to fling myself over the balcony, i turned on a jack johnson song. teddy immediately started smiling and cooing and then fell sweetly asleep. my baby loves jack johnson. is there anything better in the world than that? i'm taking him to hawaii someday.

2- internet break.

without meaning to, i avoided facebook, blogs, hulu and the internet in general for a couple days. i just listened to music. that was nice. i should do that more. the internet brings me down sometimes. (except this page of a snarky guy pretending to be a target worker responding to angry customers.
that made me laugh really hard.)

3- success.

teddy breastfed for 3 HOURS STRAIGHT (with little breaks for burps and catnaps of course). normally i wouldn't be excited about this, but since we've had such a hard time getting it down (i consider one 10 minute feeding in a day a raving success), i just hung out with him. it was so great. i know it might've been a fluke, and my nipples feel like they are probably definitely going to fall off, but whatever. it was a success.

4- a silly poster.

after my internet break, i came back to facebook to find a poster from my grad department with a picture of me on it. i gasped. i actually gasped. i'm so silly. i know it's dumb and won't last long, but it made me feel like even if i look like a swamp witch these days, somewhere out there, someone thought i was graceful enough to represent a fabulous modern dance department.
that means a lot this week.

5-you guys.

responding to my last post on having a c section- i had soo many sweet friends comment on facebook,  send me emails, write on this blog, text me, call me, and everything in between. it made a difference, you guys. people who i haven't spoken to in over 10 years wrote me. i can't tell you how much it meant. i didn't even know most of the friends who responded read this blog. i just felt heard, and that was big. thanks.

i had a c section.

and i just need to talk about it for a second.

i always thought i'd be a champion baby maker/deliverer. i thought i'd have an awesome pregnancy and then i'd march into the hospital and deliver like a friggin amazon woman, and all the nurses would gossip about me: the crazy amazing birther. they'd give me a crown and ask to take a picture with me and my gorgeous baby.

you guys, that's not what happened.

in the delivery room-
i ate too much of the complimentary flavored blue ice...

birth story time:
my doctor scheduled me for an induction at 41 weeks. i labored naturally for about 8 hours (ouch) before the epidural man comes. 24 hours later i'm at a 9.5 and i'm just super excited about my sweet baby that is coming any minute. nurse comes in to take my temperature for the thousandth time. she frowns. i have a fever. the baby's heart rate is up. the doctors are concerned about the possibility of infection. they suggest a c section. i silently tell them with my telepathic powers that my having a c section is impossible, being an amazonian champion birthing queen and all. i politely ask them if we can safely delay the surgery for a little longer and see if i progress the tiny bit more that i need to get to a 10 so i can push ("i know i'd be an awesome pusher- i've been working on these abs for 28 years...") they reluctantly agree, and i make a pact with God that if i can please please please have this baby naturally, (and ideally push him out like the warrior queen that i imagine myself to be) i promise to be super nice to strangers and not swear as much when i drive. i'm confident. the doctor comes back. checks my downstairs region. she feels like i still haven't quite progressed to a 10. she hands me the consent forms for the surgery. i sob. i sign. the (incredible) surgery team takes me to an operating room, cuts me open, pulls my baby out, and takes him away to make sure he's okay. i sob some more.

that's what happened.

can i just say that there's nothing more unnerving than hearing a doctor say the word "scalpel" when you're laying down on a table in an OR and can't move your body?

i didn't expect to have a c section, but i especially didn't expect to feel like such a failure in the case that i did. i didn't expect to feel like i was less of a woman. less of a mother. like there's some sort of club i'm not invited to: "women who actually got to push their baby out," and my nose is pressed up against the window to one of their meetings, but i'm not allowed in, because i have a 4 inch scar running across my lower abdomen.

after i got out of surgery i didn't want to talk to anyone. i felt betrayed. and for some reason i really didn't want anyone to know what had happened. i guess i didn't want people thinking the same silly things i thought about myself. i certainly didn't want pity from anyone.

the one good thing that came from having surgery
was getting to see gid in scrubs. hottie.

people assume that you deliver vaginally (and i guess most women do). the first thing people would say when i saw them was "the first few weeks are so hard, at least you didn't have to have a c section, can you imagine?" (yes. i can.)

here's the thing. i've never had a vaginal birth, but i'm pretty sure whatever kind of delivery you have- it sucks. it's uncomfortable and painful. painless deliveries don't exist, and the stipulation that someone who has a c section goes through more trauma than someone who doesn't could be a little offensive to a mother who had a vaginal delivery (and perhaps has a scar just as long in a different area). people schedule c sections on purpose all the time- some women even prefer them. i know this.

i just still kinda feel like a failure.

it doesn't help that i know a million girls who are expecting this summer, and none of them have had to have surgery, as far as i know. every now and then, when i tell friends about teddy's birth, they'll sigh knowingly and calmly tell me that they experienced the same thing with their kids.

i don't know why it's so comforting. i don't know why knowing someone has felt the same crappy feelings you have feels so good.

so i have a favor, friends: if you had a c section, could you tell me? i know it's immature, and my need to hear about other people's experiences probably sounds catty or at best competitive. i just think hearing that i'm not the only one might help me not feel so isolated.

one more thing: i had a c section. but i have a perfect, healthy, beautiful little baby boy. and as much as i hate that i didn't make the nurses gossip about how good i was at pushing, i have no way of knowing what would have happened if i would have had a vaginal birth like i wanted.

my doctor was worried about the position teddy had gotten into with his heart rate up. she was worried he was sick with my fever and over exhausted from my laboring for so long. she wanted him as safe as possible.

the day after teddy came, my dad flew into town. when he heard about my situation, he thought for a moment, and then quietly said he would have done the same thing my doctor did. at first that irritated me; how dare he side with her--the one who sentenced me to be cut open! but then he told me about a similar patient who'd lost her baby and then passed away a few hours later due to unexpected complications. my point is, i'm lucky. i'm so so lucky.

i've probably lost most of you in this long post that is basically me feeling sorry for myself. thanks for sticking around for the end, friends. you're the best. xo

update

we're getting better at breastfeeding. which means my nipples are in perpetual agony. i bow down to all of you mothers (breastfeeders or not). this is so much harder than i thought.

confession: sometimes i eat lunchables in the wee hours of the morning. i'm equal parts embarrassed and "judge me if you want to, i really don't care". also i can't get enough watermelon. are cravings supposed to still be going on after you deliver?

teddy insists on staying clean, which i love.

here's a picture where he actually fell asleep mid bath. are you in love as much as i am yet, friends?!

a lot of people warned me that this stage of having a newborn would be hard on mine and gideon's relationship. i know it's still early in the game, but i'm more wild about him than i was when we were newlyweds. he helps me (and i try to help him) with everything. he's sweet and supportive. the biggest thing-every time i look at teddy i see a mini version of the man i'm in love with. it makes me crazy for him even more. 

teddy is the most snuggly baby i've ever met. he nuzzles and coos. he sighs. he has a little whistle/snore when he sleeps. he sort of smiles. i can't get enough, you guys.

nothing fits the same. i know, it's going to take time. i still really miss the old me sometimes when i look in the mirror. i wish i could appreciate things in the moment more. like waistlines.

i never thought i'd be a mom that cried when her baby cried. 

i am. 

i always thought i'd be the kind of mom that was put together enough to wear make up and nice-ish outfits every day. 

i'm not.

milk gets on everyyything. it's on my bra. it's on my pillows and sheets. it's on my clothes, my baby, all over me. i can't keep up with the laundry. i'm going insane. it would be hilarious if it was happening to someone other than me.

percocet makes hard days better.

recovering is still hard. six weeks still sounds like forever. i still have a lot of pain sometimes. i'm still on medication, which i hoped i wouldn't be. sometimes i still cry, which i hoped i wouldn't. when people ask me how i'm doing, i smile and say "we're doing great!" it's not always super true. i'm hoping if i say it enough i'll believe it, and it will become true. sometimes that works. it's the best i can do right now. take it or leave it. 

i love everything about teddy, but today i can't get enough of his little toes. what a sweet life i have.

2 weeks.

i didn't realize how deadly serious people were when they said new mothers don't get any sleep.

the hours between 12 am and 4 am are my me time. teddy is finally starting to sleep a little better through the night (meaning he sleeps up to 4 hours if i'm super lucky). during these hours is mostly when i get online. also i just realized with my new internet time i'm "liking" and commenting on posts in the wee hours of the morning and it probably makes me look creepy. sorry, everyone...

a ridiculous number of my facebook friends are currently uploading gym selfies of them getting beach ready and it makes me feel super not awesome. i know it took me nine months to gain baby weight and i shouldn't expect to go immediately back to the old me, but i really miss my tummy. my beautiful, flat, pre-teddy tummy. why did i never appreciate you?

gid and i have started calling the ipad "the white noise machine".

i cry alot. everything hurts. my belly hurts, sneezing hurts, the bathroom hurts, getting in and out of bed (and any other seat in the house) hurts. i had a friend cheerfully tell me all about how she was back on her feet and to her old self a few days after birth. that kinda hurt, too.

also, i suck at breastfeeding. also, i suck at pumping. i dunno, i always thought i'd be better at things having to do with breasts... it's a real confidence killer.

also, i suck at praying. my prayers these days sound like this: "help me not to suck so bad at breastfeeding and pumping, please make me skinny someday, thank you for my beautiful baby boy, amen."

teddy is getting a little better at napping, but sometimes i get worried he's been quiet too long. i check on him, and for some reason feel the need to get really close to his face to see if he's breathing, and then his big eyes flash open. obviously, i dive to the ground, (ouch) hoping he didn't see me and falls back asleep super fast. he doesn't.

i don't think i've mentioned this yet on the blog, but we're moving soon. like in a few weeks. teddy won't even be a month old. it scares and overwhelms me, like i'm a kid getting ready to start junior high or something. i'm so immature sometimes.

i have no appetite (except for my meds). that probably is one of the main reasons i suck so bad at breast pumping/feeding...

i really love my baby. i love him when he makes little milk drunk smiles,  and how he nuzzles me when he's trying to fall asleep. i love when he burps for me, the satisfied grunt he makes after successfully filling a diaper. the annoyed cry/yell he makes when he needs something (one of three things- diaper change, food, or a nap- he's so reasonable.). i'm baffled at how he doesn't annoy me. i can't think of anyone else who i'd let get away with that kind of behavior...

i should be napping, or at least sending off the thank you cards from my baby showers that i should've mailed weeks ago since teddy is asleep and it's 11 in the morning, (a friggin miracle) but i'm writing about my feelings on my blog. sometimes i wonder if my blog is my therapist.

life is funny sometimes. and by funny, i mean heartbreaking, frustrating, lovely, and terrifying. among other things. that's all.

he's here.

...and he's the best ever you guys.  

i can't believe he used to live in my tummy. he's got these crazy long legs that he's always kicking and i recognize them. i recognize his kicks from when he was inside of me!

what a weird world.

and he's got this dark hair. when i first saw him it was curly and my heart leapt with excitement.
i've always wanted a curly haired baby.

then i washed his hair. it was silky smooth.
i guess when babies get uterus gunk on their hair it sometimes gets a little curly...

now i wouldn't trade his sweet soft locks for all the curls in the world.

his eyes sometimes look brown to me, and then the next moment
i think they could be green like his father's.
i'd swoon at him either way. 

i think he looks like gid so much (minus his coloring which obvs comes from my side), 

and gid is so handsome. look out, little girls.
there's a storm heading your way and his name is teddy.

i'm so in love. so overwhelmed. so medicated.

i feel like i'm in a weird alternate reality where pumping milk out of my body is a thing, and watching decent television is not.

i also feel like these are my moments and they're slipping away so quickly already, so i sleep with him on my chest more often than i'm sure the books would suggest. 

he's just so cuddly.
are all babies this cuddly?

i'll take 10 more just like this one, please.

every day he looks a little different.
i love that and hate it at the same time.

he adores gideon. he adores me too, but there's something about his daddy that puts him at ease.
it's like they knew each other all along.

you guys, this is my baby.
his name is theodore michael tolman, but i call him teddy.

teddy tolman.
i'm sure he'd say it's nice to meet you.