lately.

before we went to DC, there was a day last week that teddy refused to sleep (zero minutes- he normally takes two naps!), and i ended up being the one who had a meltdown. i didn't realize how important that nap time is for me to recharge. when gid finally got home, i raged about what an incompetent mother i was, and asked why wouldn't teddy sleep when he was so obviously exhausted, and begged him for me to please go to work in his place tomorrow, and please please could he go get some food for us because remember how i'm incompetent?

gid, ever calm and centered somehow managed to settle teddy down, and in what i swear was less than a minute, had him snoring happily- which should've made me coo in adoration, but in reality just pissed me off. after he put teddy in his crib, gid sat down with me, and encouraged me to tell him about the good things that happened that day.

you know what's the worst? having an optimistic sweet husband when all you want is to watch the world burn.

my incision has been bothering me again, and i'm guessing it's because teddy is in this stage where he loves to kick, and trample right on my abdomen. a few nights ago i had a horrible dream that it ripped open, and woke up with my heart pounding, and my scar pulsing. i still can't believe it happened. i can't believe i had a c section. (ps- i had a doctor look at it, and everything looks normal.) 

i started teaching last week at bsu, and am equal parts thrilled and petrified. i want so badly to be excellent, and i felt like i just could've been better. in the middle of prepping some combinations, one of my students wrote me an email thanking me for class and saying that she's so excited, and for a second i remembered how teaching can be so fulfilling instead of just being an anxiety-fest.

i gave up on lost, and a mere week later, like a dog returning to it's vomit- went back to finish it. it was excellent. i loved the way it ended, even though not everything was resolved, and that stupid time travel section drove me crazy.

annnnnnnd now i've watched the first season of stranger things, and i have feelings about that now. like i really want to have telekinesis powers.

the house is coming together slowly, and i'm falling in love with every last inch of it. these bathroom floors are making me so happy tonight.
xo

lately. (and giveaway winner announced!)

teddy's been throwing everything into the trash, and wherever else he can find. it's equal parts annoying and sweet. i found a truck in my pots and pans the other day and almost wanted to take a picture. if someone told me five years ago finding a truck in their pots and pans was cute, i'd have felt sorry for them.

last week after i wrote this post and was feeling hopeless, i turned on some stevie wonder, started making spaghetti and teddy was dancing in the kitchen making bear growls, and gid was hiding around the corner peeking his head out from behind one of my sun hats which was making teddy laugh hysterically, and for a second i felt like a really lucky person instead of a really pathetic person.

golden moments like that make the dark ones seem less devastating.

he's been fighting me more on going to sleep lately. a few nights ago while i rocked him, he cooed, and chuckled, and whispered mama and dada, which exasperated me. it was 10 pm, people. i'd shush him and he'd respond with a giggling growl, and a string of words that i think translated loosely into something about planes, puppies, and wanting a treat. defeated, i let myself laugh, which made him laugh, and he finally closed his eyes, sat up, smiled with his eyes still closed, reached for the his pacifier (eyes still closed), and slumped down on my shoulder in a deep snore. it was one of my favorite moments as a mom. some days are better than others, but even on the crap ones- i love him, i love him, i love him.

and one more thing- the day before i started my new teaching job, i found all of my good bobby pins. if that doesn't prove there's a god, i'm not sure what does.

happy tuesday, friends.
xo

ps- i'm so excited to announce that the winner of the margaux and may swaddle set giveaway is lauren morrison! these giveaways make me so happy. i hope you know that i notice all of you who enter. i wish i could give everyone a prize.

pss- i couldn't help myself, so i'm sending a second winner one swaddle as well. this will go to mary bush. congratulations! keep an eye out for another giveaway coming up soon!

lauren and mary, i'll contact you via instagram, and we'll get you set up with your swaddles!

babes in bloom.

guys, i went to a party a couple of days ago, and it was a big deal for me because anxiety. i haven't been to a dance since i was a teen, and generally speaking, i do better in small groups. i may or may not have changed three times, and given myself a major pep talk before.


^^ this girl!! killing me with her cuteness!

i did a little videography for the party thrower extraordinaire (my main reason for coming- this girl is infectious). can you believe these backdrops? all handmade. we were all so blown away by her vision coming to life. talent!

^^prom date picture that i'll show my children, and my children's children, ha!

girls only.

big flowers everywhere.

soda and pastry bar.

photo wall.

and dj drops all night.

(did i say that last part right?)

about 1.5 hours into the evening, i started feeling uneasy, and little whispers in the back of my mind reminded me that teddy has a cold, i had a meeting in the morning, and i wanted to have nice memories of doing silly moves with old friends, instead of memories of feeling obligated to stay out later than i wanted to (when no one really cares what time i go to bed).

so i took off around 10:30, and was in bed by 11.
i know it doesn't sound glamourous, but it felt awesome.

i'm glad i went.

and just so you know, there's more of these parties in the future. keep an ear out- i'll be sure to announce them to you brave extroverts who are made for this kinda stuff!
(and maybe you anxious introverts can give it a try too, ha.)

thanks so much for the fun night, paige! (and babes who i ran into!!)
i'll keep you guys posted when the video i made is live.
xo

photographs by studio boise

drained.

this picture sums up how i'm feeling lately.
i can't even tell you how over teething i am. 

i've been drained the past few days, and i really have no good excuse, other than i'm just off.

but how long do you get to be "off," before you're just kind of a bummer to be around? i'm pretty sure i suck to hang out with right now. (even if i'm just by myself.) it's nice that teddy doesn't mind playing by himself one bit.

the other day i was researching how much tickets to different places around the world cost, and 30 minutes, two bowls of ice cream, and one meltdown from teddy later, i was convinced i'm never traveling again, and why didn't i visit places around the world when i was good looking and single, and why is motherhood so hard, and why do people even have children, and why on earth do i want another baby ever?

also, i feel old. which is so dumb, since i obviously don't look a day older than 25. (if you want to confirm that in the comment section, i wouldn't be annoyed at you.)

i'm so talented at falling into slumps, and convincing myself that my life is terrible and hard, when i know realistically, that my life is healthy and normal, and i need to shut up and send all the thank you's i have in me to the universe.

we're remodeling our house, and it's expensive, and for the first time in a long time, i'm a little stressed about money. not "how are we going to eat this week" stressed, but "crap, i don't think i should go to target ever again" stressed. hugo in lost won the whole friggin lottery, and it only brought him bad luck, so i'm using that picture in my head to discourage daydreams of winning millions of dollars and never worrying about things having to do with money ever again.

teddy is getting so big. i know he must be a normal amount of handsome, and my mamma eyes have too many hearts in them for me to see him the way the rest of the world does, but i think he's crazy beautiful. is this how my mom felt about me? was i ever this darling?

it's wednesday, guys. we can do it.
thanks for listening to my ramblings.
xo

a giveaway with margaux and may!

okay people- it's wednesday, and teddy finally went down for a nap,
so let's celebrate with a GIVEAWAY!!!

margaux and may's blue fern swaddle ^^

i'll be the first to admit that i buy too many baby blankets, but they're soft, and cute, and i can't help myself, so this week we're giving a set away! ( if you win, maybe you'll develop a swaddle addiction like me, and we can talk through it with each other, ha!)

if you spend any time on instagram, i'm sure you've seen margaux and may's darling swaddles making the rounds. we've loved having these cute blankets in our home- they're thin and soft, and keep teddy just the right temperature. (nothing worse than a too warm blanket on a summer night!)

margaux and may's iconic feather swaddle. ^^

easy peasy giveaway- to enter, just leave me a comment below telling me one thing that you accomplished today that you're proud of. let's spread some good, shall we?

{entries double if you follow me and margaux and may on instagram.}

a winner will be sent not one,
but TWO gorgeous margaux and may swaddles!!

best of luck!! i hope you have a good wednesday, friends. xo

___________________


thanks to margaux and may for sponsoring this post.

almost a post.

hey. i haven't written in over a week. you probably didn't notice, but i did. 

i try to write every few days, but the past month, i've been feeling too connected to social media, and not connected enough to my real life, so i decided to step away from writing and posting for a day or two, and that turned into a solid eight days. (in case you were wondering, i still sucked at cleaning and cooking.) i have no idea how real bloggers can do this multiple times a day and juggle regular life.

i started binge watching lost which was a horrible idea. it was a crazy popular show in college that i never got into, but my roommates would talk about nonstop. i know i'm over 10 years late, but i have strong feelings about this show, you guys. (like, for starters- wth, freaky island??! michael- don't talk to me- i'm mad at you; especially for killing libby. hurley, you funny, and you would be my best friend on the island. hey john- don't trust you. never have, never will. BEN! i knew you were bad news, crazy eyes!! sawyer- you're a jerk, but the nicknames you give everyone make it worth it. and if jin is really dead i am so so so mad.) 

i have two seasons left, and i don't want to finish, but i kinda have to.

i know i usually write more, but that's all i have in me for now, you guys. (or maybe you like this mini post better than the ones where i ramble on and on! ha.)

but hey! keep your eyes open for two super rad giveaways coming up. (praise hands emoticon.)
xo

ps- i had to call my pediatrician and poison control today and it's not even noon.
this is not my favorite monday.

10 mama hacks.

1. put a basket by the bed with night time rituals.
i know i can't be the only mamma with a crazy detailed bedtime regime, right? lotion, teething treatments, essential oils for when he's not feeling well, nose frieda for when he's congested. cream for diaper rash, ointment for scratches, nail clippers, comb, etc. it's rare that i use all of these things every evening, but putting them all in a basket instead of having them strewn throughout the house makes the process smoother.

2. drain the tub while he's still in it.
teddy loves bath time more than anything, and when i pull him out of the tub before he's ready (he's never ready) he gets really sad. draining the water out while he's busy playing helps ease the emotional discomfort of leaving his beloved tubby, ha. (today when i asked him if he wanted to take a bath, he smiled, and started happily chirping as he trotted to the tub while trying to take his shirt off. it melted me in a milisecond.)

3. pots and pans are toys.
everyone told me this, and now i'm repeating it- more for me, than for you. a set of plastic bowls is just as entertaining (maybe more so) than the sixty dollar set of organic wooden woodland animals you've had your eye on for the past 3 months.

4. dance parties tire them out faster.
i'm shocked to see how fast dancing with him for 20 minutes will exhaust him. and i'm getting exercise so it's a win win, right? by the way, exercise never happens for me. and i thought i'd be one of those hot fit moms...

5. become best friends with the park.
when we first moved here, it was smokey and we hardly ever made it outside. my incision wasn't healing well, and getting down the stairs, getting teddy in the car seat and out into the world seemed like a battle not worth fighting.
i've learned something since last summer: the park is the best. it gives us fresh air, it entertains the shiz out of teddy, it puts us both in a better mood, and he's exhausted when we get home. of course, now that teddy's a little older, it's easier for me to get out; but next time, i'm going to try to be friends with the park sooner.

6. take deep breaths.
when the anxiety comes (and if you're like me, it will come) it helps for me to have some breathing techniques ready to go. i wrote in this post about taking 60 seconds to help recenter myself.

7. don't buy the outfit you feel meh about. (for you or for your baby.)
i'm still grasping this one, but i'm trying to only purchase things that i absolutely adore for myself and teddy, and ironically it's resulted in me feeling a lot more free when i'm buying things. if i have any doubts, i just leave it on the rack. i've saved a ton of money on semi cute onesies that i don't love, even thought they're only five bucks, and i've spent a little more on things that i love, and will use for all of my babies.



8. buy fresh flowers.
gid buys me flowers every few weeks, and i can't tell you how much more cheerful it makes our living space.

9. make lists to spark productivity.
make a list.
prioritize with numbers.
get to work.
check it off.

it'll feel so so good.

10. document.
i never regret taking an hour to take pictures of my little boy. the ones i've taken of him even a few months ago are already so special. things you document now will only gain value. it doesn't matter if you have a nice camera, or if you feel like you take great shots. you're setting a legacy for your family to look back on.

(bonus)
11. stick together.
don't be catty to the mom who parents different than you.
don't ignore when your sister or your mom calls.
don't be jealous of the girl who doesn't have kids, and gets to travel all over the world while you're wiping diapers.
don't be mean to the grandma who gives you advice with a raised eyebrow at church. (even if she drives you nuts.)
we need each other.
and we're on the same team.
xo

teddy's bloomers

at the park with whistle & flute! (promo code inside!)

happy monday, guys. this weekend went by way too fast for me, and i woke up with a serious case of the mondays. teddy and i both get grumpy when gid has to go to work in the mornings. everything is just better when dada is home.

anyway, let's celebrate the start of the week with a promo code for a way cute clothes company, k?

if you're on instagram at all, chances are you've seen whistle & flute clothing pop up. this company is killing it on social media with their cute minimal unisex clothes.

 i'm always on the lookout for pieces that i could have a little boy or girl wear (because baby stuff is expensive, and i want to double dip now and then, k?), and i'm crazy about these monochromatic shirts especially. why is the happy raincloud so cute to me? they have a similar one with a lightning bolt (and matching leggings, soooo...)

when we got our whistle & flute package in the mail, i was way impressed with how soft the material is. when gid touched it, he was like, "woah, do they make adult clothing?" ha.

ps- they do. (i'm getting us matching shirts to the one teddy's wearing in the pictures below...)

did i mention whistle & flute clothing is a family company, and its products are also ethically made?
i wish that was more common.

teddy  looks like a teenager in this picture and i'm crying.

i included this ^^^ picture of teddy sucking on his shirt, because he's really particular about the material he puts in his mouth. it has to be super soft. i only ever see him chewing on his bamboo swaddles. the whole time i was taking pictures of him, he wanted to just eat his shirt, lol. if it's got mine and teddy's approval, you know it's high quality, ha!

whistle & flute is being super nice and offering the readers of this blog 10% off their order with the code theveryhappypear, so go check them out right now before i buy everything, k?

this post brought to you by whistle & flute.
opinions, as always are 100% my own.

30.

my goal this birthday was to focus on gratitude. because i have so much to be grateful for. 

and while i'm stupid good at noticing the things in my life that aren't perfect, i've got to get better at honing in on the many many many beautiful things that i'm surrounded by. there's enough bitterness and negativity in the world right now without me complaining about body fat percentages, or my head that is sure to be covered in gray by this time next year. 

where was i? oh, right. i was saying that i want to be part of the good.

as i'm typing this post, all i can think about is how our lives right now are so beautifully imperfect, and how boring it would be if everything always worked out flawlessly. right now our apartment is an unbelievable mess; a solid reflection of my cleaning efforts this week. yesterday we had pizza from a box for dinner (and i'm not even sorry because it was digorno and delicious). i'm behind on my projects. again. because sometimes teddy is just too adorable (or demanding) to take my eyes off of.

but how wonderful to have a home that's warm and inviting (even if it comes with piles of folded laundry on the couch). how amazing to have the luxury of driving a car to the grocery store, coming home, pressing a few buttons in the kitchen, and having a meal come out of it. (some might argue me calling pizza a meal, but those people are snobs and are welcome to not read this blog.)

how wonderful to be with the best person i know, and to have our beautiful baby.

even if he still wakes up some nights, and drives me crazy most days.

(talking mostly about teddy here...)

but seriously, how crazy lucky are we to have him?

how fortunate to have made it to 30 years, even if, especially if it's included bad hair days, road rage, sickness, heartbreaks, and all the other ugly things that come with imperfection.

how fortunate to be able to experience a little bad, 

so i can see more clearly how very very good i have it. 

gideon insisted that i have exactly thirty candles on this beautiful cake.

goodbye, twenties. hello thirties.
i'm so happy to be here.
xo

lately.

the past few days he's been cracking me up so much. just little things. like when he's taking a bath, he'll stand up to pee, or have gas, and then smile really big and sit back down. he makes little motor noises while he's playing with his toys. he laughs so easily at my jokes. who knew that having a baby who thinks you're hilarious is the best thing ever?

yesterday, i was having horrible cramps, and when i curled up on the ground, teddy crawled over to me, and gently put his head on my back. he's so sweet without even meaning to be.

he's starting to be able to breathe again when he sleeps. there's no better non sound in the world.

it's unbelievable how the maintenance people redoing our stairs (noisy!) know just when i've put him down for a nap- and yet he sleeps through the ridiculous racket. he's so tired; catching up on the past few weeks when he wasn't getting good rest in.

i was stung by a bee for the first time in my life last week.
it wasn't as bad as the hype i've built up over the past 30 years.

teddy climbs up on everything, and has learned through trial and error that it's best to go off of furniture and stairs feet first. i'm so proud of him, you guys. did i mention he took eleven steps yesterday? i feel like if i take my eyes off him, he'll start running.

the world is so scary right now. i don't recognize it. were my parents this scared about things like hate crimes and racism? has it always been this bad, and i've lived in a blissful little bubble my whole life? it feels like every time i open my computer, there's a new tragedy, a new crime. i wish we could change it overnight.

i believe there is more good in the world than bad, but i wish we were better.
xo

teddy's onesie 
teddy's bloomers
teddy's taxi rattle (his fav)