important things.

let's start with the most important thing i want to tell you this morning: teddy said "please" for the first time last night, and it made my heart swell, and i gave him a whole chocolate chip cookie as a reward (#badparenting). i'm so so proud of him. you should've heard the way he said it too; (it sounded more like "eese?!" and he also did the sign language motion for it at the same time, and my heart exploded all over the kitchen floor). all the cookies, teddybear- you can have all of them.

next most important thing to tell you is that our kitchen countertops were installed this morning, and our bathroom is almost completely functioning. this is a big deal, people. now that we have a flushing toilet, i feel like maybe we'll move in for real someday. (hope so, since we put in our notice at our apartment complex.)

the next most important thing to tell you is that the new new upper cabinets (if you follow my insta stories, you may have seen the ones that originally came back from shipping were broken and i was so so angry about it) will be here next week which is crazy fast and exciting. i also found a new chandelier (the ikea one we originally bought that i loved was sooo much bigger than i imagined it would be) and we'll be installing that this week as well. ugh, it feels like the progress is happening so much faster now than it did at the beginning! relief!!

the next most important thing is a question- does anyone know excellent hardware websites for kitchen cabinets? my heart wants antique english brass fixtures, because they're beautiful and old looking, but my head is telling me to stick with the black since they're less expensive, have a cleaner look, and i don't have to worry about matching finishes. (they also don't clash as badly with the appliances we've chosen...)

ugh, my head has always been stronger than my heart.
i'm still reaching out to see if anyone knows of an awesome website i can check out.

his fave fave fave thing is being pushed around in this little red wagon. (thank you courtney!)
mama's back is sore.

the next most important thing for me to tell you is that our red tree in our backyard is almost completely bare, but the tree next to it is just starting to lose the most lovely yellow leaves, and teddy has shifted his attention to it. i love how much he loves our backyard. that's important, right?!

the last most important thing is that i've picked the winners from the eeboo giveaway (i should've picked weeks ago, but life is crazy, and i'm a wreck, and i'm only getting to it now.) congratulations katie murdock, and krista widdinson! send me a message confirming that you saw this, and we'll get you set up with eeboo.

happy wednesday.
xo

life.

life is crazy right now. too much going on, particularly in my dance world. i think it'll be better once we've moved into our home, but it's gotten to the point that anytime i'm working on choreography or class material, teddy gets weepy and begs me to hold him. he hates when i get into dance mode (unless i'm holding him and spinning- that he loves). i worry about him feeling less important than my work, but i also think it's healthy for him to know how to be patient, and that he's not the center of the universe. anyone else struggle with that? i'm open to tips.

the past month a lot of opportunities have been thrown at me, and i've spent sleepless nights thinking about the pros and cons of working versus staying at home. in the middle of a mental conversation with myself, i admitted that one of the reasons i'm eager to get out of the house is because i often feel like i don't belong there. i imagined i'd slip into motherhood much easier than i have, and even though i know i'm hard on myself, i still feel like i'm bad at it.

and i don't like hanging out in situations that i feel like i'm failing in. put me in a studio, and i'll put together a show for you. but ask me to cook a simple meal for my 15 month old, and i'll crumble to the ground, question everything happening in my life, and eventually call zupas with a pickup order ready to go.

the thing is- the last year has been the best of my life. and i'm cringing as i type, because it's so cliché, but whatever- it's true. i've hardly gotten any sleep, i've experienced deeper blues than ever before, and silver hairs making appearances don't even phase me anymore.

but i've also fallen hard in love. with teddy, and with gideon all over again (some days more than others, of course). i've fallen in love with short naps and hot showers, and a million other little things that i never appreciated the way i do now. i've fallen in love with his smiles, and chubby legs. i've fallen in love with nap time, and story time. i've gotten a glimpse of how my parents feel about me, which makes me fall in love with them a little bit.

yesterday when i came home from teaching, teddy wriggled excitedly out of gideon's arms, and ran with open arms and happy squeals to give me a hug and a wet kiss. he wouldn't let me out of his sight the rest of the night. immediately after i'd go into a room where he couldn't see me, i'd hear concerned noises until he found me and reach his arms to me; silently asking to be held. he rested his head on my shoulder and cooed "mama" softly. he giggled and snorted while we read bedtime stories. and after getting him down in his crib, and i finally had some time to myself, i caught myself mostly looking at pictures of him on my phone, or thinking about things that he needs, or wondering what kind of a example i'm giving him. it feels like i've turned into a completely different person. it scares me, and confuses me.

and then i reminded myself that for the first time in what feels like a long time, i've been feeling happy. and that's the most important thing. work is stressing me out. the house is stressing me out. i still have bad days- ugh, some days teddy is such a little rascal, and drives me nuts. but i've noticed a positive shift in my mood towards being at home. i'm happier here than i've been since our move last year.

i'm not making any announcements about how much work i'll be taking on in the next year.

i just wanted to say that i'm happy right now.
and it feels really good.

xo

being sub-par, and other things.

he's turned into such a mama's boy lately, and i love it. also- i feel like i've earned it- the first 13 months of his life, he openly preferred gideon to me (he'd be a grouch all day until dada came home from work, and then all of a sudden he was an angel). these days though, he'll drop his favorite toy for a snuggle with me. when i come home from work, he trots to me with a squeal and lovingly murmurs "mama" as he nuzzles himself into my neck.

i remember a friend of mine saying that motherhood gets better when they start giving back a little.
this is what she meant, and she was so right.

i've been collaborating with a dance company here in boise, and he's been tagging along with me to the rehearsals which is fun some of the time, and hard a lot of the time. he resents my attention being away from him, and will take my face with both of his small hands and force eye contact in the middle of a run. he's also gotten really good at rolling to the ground. the kid is graceful. i don't mean to be presumptuous but he's definitely the most talented human on the planet.
side note- he also really likes to eat rocks right now.

^^can you even handle this baby cow sweater??!

i feel spread too thin right now. i'm teaching at bsu, choreographing with idt, helping get our house move-in ready in the evenings, and changing diapers furiously in between. and i know i've got it easy. sometimes i really feel like i'm a horribly sub-par mother (/teacher/choreographer/diaper changer). it seems like every other mom i know gets more accomplished than i do. i'm determined to not accept any more side jobs until next year. i'm going crazy.

on a happier note, i'm falling in love with our home. when we first walked through it, i vaguely thought it had potential, but the more time i spend in it, and the more i watch it transform into what we envisioned, i realize it's actually my dream home. i can't thank the people who have helped us get this far with it enough. i've never loved a house like i love this one. it's small, and it's creaky, but it's doing it's best and i love it so much.

it's tuesday, and leaves are falling, and before we know it, the holidays are going to be here.
i hope you're staying warm.
xo

lately.

i lost him 2 weeks ago for the first time. (#unfitparent) in the middle of church, a friend of mine asked if she could borrow a wipe, and in the time it took me to reach over, grab the case from my diaper bag, and hand it to her, teddy had managed to slip past both my friend and i without notice. i had no idea where he was for maybe 15 seconds, and even though i never got truly worried, it was a sobering reminder of how quickly he could disappear. he'd taken a stroll down the hall, following the sound of gideon's laugh. (those of you who know gid know what a recognizable laugh he has- it's deep and hearty. teddy knew just where to go to find him.) ps- anyone bought those squeaky shoes to keep track of where your baby is? i'm in the market...

we bought a kitchen table small enough to fit in our little home. i love it so much. we painted the trim a few days ago, and this week we're finishing the walls, which is making me glow. i was showing my grandma pictures from our remodel and she told me with a soft smile that our home reminded her of the house she grew up in, which made me so so happy for some reason.

in preparation for our move, i decided to purge my closet of things i don't wear anymore and discovered that since teddy's birth (14 months ago) i've only purchased four dresses and two tops. you guys, that's nuts. it made me realize how little i need.

i'm starting to accept that he's becoming more a little boy than he is a baby. his hair is lightening and beginning to curl. his voice is gaining clarity, and his little laughs are the highlight of my day. i love being able to play with him more directly. i love tickling him, growling back and forth with him, and throwing balls back and forth to each other. (which reminds me- don't forget about the giveaway in the last post!)

we watched the debate a few nights ago, and it just left me feeling really uneasy and scared about the upcoming election. how did we get here?

is it too early to be buying christmas pajamas for your baby? cuz i'm buyin' all of them this week. how many pairs of pjs are too much for a 14 month old?

teaching is still stressing me out. if i could just get through today, that'd be greaattttt.
xo

a giveaway with eeboo!

hi. 

it's tuesday, and i really want it to be friday. 

i've never looked forward to weekends as much as i do as a mother, which is weird, since moms don't get weekend breaks from their kids. i thought when i stopped working full time that weekdays and weekends would feel the same. they don't right?! sigh.

hey let's do a giveaway to get us through this tuesday.

ever since teddy could grasp objects in his hands, he's been into waving (more like thrashing actually) his toys around, which is cute, but can easily turn into a really sad day when he drops them on his face, or they're hard or pointy. a few weeks ago while we were in dc, teddy was chewing on one of his favorite airplane toys, and after an excited jab, he scratched the inside of his mouth. so sad.

one of teddy's favorite toys right now is the noisy ball from eeboo, a thoughtful children's toy and gift company located in the heart of nyc. it's a soft, plush ball that has a soft chiming noise it makes when it's moves. (not obnoxious- and you guys know how picky i am about toys and their noises!)

the noisy ball's design is a traditional folk form toy. it has bright friendly colors, and crinkles and squeaks in a few little spots, which is extra fun to discover for little ones. it's shape is perfect for small hands, and i can personally attest that it's teddysafe (which means you can shove your face into it thousands of times without harming yourself.)

teddy's fav game right now is throwing it up the stairs and watching it bound back down towards him, or having one of us stand below the stairs while he throws it down to us and waits for us to throw it back up to him. 

do i sound like a bad mom when i say it's nice knowing i can throw it at his face and that it won't hurt him? mamma relief.

eeboo is being super generous and is sending TWO readers this sweet and fun toy!

to enter this giveaway, give their site a little visit, and shoot me a comment below telling me something that's putting you in a good mood today, k?

*as always, following me on facebook or instagram gets you more entires.*

thanks to eeboo for sponsoring this giveaway.

i hope you have a good rest of your day, friends.
xo

on being patient.

i don't know how people seem to handle their lives so gracefully. do i seem graceful? ugh, social media is such a lie. if i ever look like i have even a little of my shiz together- don't believe it for a moment.

i'm homesick. not so much for texas (i mean, a little...) but more for our home that we haven't moved into. every week that goes by makes me miss it more. i want to make leaf piles, and take naps in the backyard. i want to fill it with tiny giggles and games of hide and seek. i want to make lemonade in june, and bake a pie during november (just one time- i'm not martha stewart over here.) i want to hang white curtains on every window, and leave them open so the breeze can flow through the tiny space while i glide on the wood floors wearing oversized t shirts and no pants (because pants are the worst). i want to wear slippers on the kitchen tile that i know will be cold during the winter months. i want to hang a garland over the fireplace and play the charlie brown christmas soundtrack. it's so hard to be patient.

teddy has graduated from walking to a confident pre- run trot. there are little bruises all over those chubby legs which bums me out and makes me proud. he's started to lean his head on me multiple times during the day. it's crazy how this tiny person who i've known for such a short amount of time commands my heart and attention.

the leaves outside our apartment windows are changing slowly, and it makes me nostalgic for this time last year, when teddy would just rest his head on my chest and gaze outside with wide calm eyes. i need to remember that thing people say about the days being long and the years being short. i feel like any moment he's going to run out the door and not need me at all.

the house is coming slow and sure. teddy and i visited today, and now there's tiny footprints and fingerprints all over the dusty floors. painting is happening soon which is one of the last hurdles before move in day. (of course, we still have to wait for the cabinets to be delivered, then the countertops, the sink (thank you britt), the vanity, the toilet, all the fixtures, and all the appliances. (but appliance stuff seems like you just have to buy it and install it, right? sigh.)

i hope we move in by halloween.
if not halloween, maybe thanksgiving.
and if not thanksgiving, maybe christmas.

i hope your friday is good.
xo

today.

2:30 a.m.
why is he awake? is it gas? is it his gums again?? is he teething? i feel gideon leave the bed to calm him down with a bit of milk, and make a mental note that next time it's my turn to get up in the middle of the night. i struggle to slip back into sleep.

5:30 a.m.
whispers. growls. giggles. how is he up again?! i'm convinced i haven't really slept since i heard him in the middle of the night. i hear gideon chuckle as he and teddy start a conversation about how the night went, and what adventures will happen during their morning time together. at this point in the day, i'm especially grateful for a early bird husband. i feel like my best sleep happens between 4-7 in the morning. i start thinking about how i should take that z-quill i bought a few weeks ago.

7:00 a.m.
i feel like i got 4 hours of sleep. my skin feels dry as i wipe the sleep from my eyes. i walk into the bathroom to find gideon getting ready for work, and teddy gleefully mimicking him shaving his face. teddy is thrilled to see me. he giggles, and shows me his toothbrush before going to pick up his favorite book of the day.

7:15 a.m.
gideon gives us kisses goodbye. teddy is devastated when he leaves and cries for 10 minutes. the only thing that calms him down is watching a video from our recent trip to dc.

noon
he's exhausted. i've failed putting him to sleep three times, and i'm really hoping the fourth time is the charm. so far today we've eaten toast, orange juice, and a handful of grapes. we settle down with 5 books. he enjoys a bottle of milk. i rock him for 30 minutes. finally. silence.
(he sleeps for less than an hour.)

i spend his nap cleaning up a bit, face-timing with my mom, eating more grapes, and online window shopping for things for our home (that i can't afford...)

1:35 p.m.
gid sends me a text message asking how i'm doing and reminding me that he loves me. i think how lucky i am to have a partner that not only gets up with a crying baby in the middle of the night, but also goes out of his way to make me feel valued and appreciated.

2:00 p.m.
we visit the park, and marvel at the big trucks, the lawn mowers, and the airplanes. he manages to become covered in grass, mud, and sand.

3:00 p.m.
i visit a charming local toy shop in beautiful hyde park, because i have no self control and felt like my baby needed a tractor toy. teddy is obsessed with it. i feel really good about how happy it makes him, and try to remind myself that buying things doesn't equal happiness all of the time.

as i walk on the sidewalk to the car, sweet babbles come from the baby on my hip, leaves fall slowly around us, and for a second i feel like my life is really awesome. i'm so happy we live here.

4:30 p.m.
his eyes are heavy from our time outside. it takes less than 10 minutes for me to get him down for his second nap. man, i love it when that happens.

5:00 p.m.
i realize that dinner hasn't even been on my radar (and i promised myself i was going to be awesome today!) i pull up easy recipes on buzzfeed and end up also checking my personal email, my work email, facebook, and instagram. i still don't know what i'm making.

5:45 p.m.
i hear the key in the lock, and give gid a big kiss and hug to welcome him home before telling him that i'm sorry for not having dinner ready. he smiles and shrugs as if to say, "who cares? i'm just glad to not be at work!" i fall silently in love with him again. he could've married girls who'd have a perfect dinner ready for him every evening, and he still chose me. we end up making a delicious meal with broccoli and beef on top of rice with (you guessed it!) grapes on the side.

7:00 p.m.
we take a walk. gideon and teddy throw stones in the river until both their hands are covered in mud. teddy makes quacking sounds at the ducks, barking sounds at the dogs, and growls deeply and seriously at the stone owl we pass on our way back from the greenbelt. older couples taking walks wave to teddy and are thrilled when he waves to them. i love where we live so much.

8:15 p.m.
the sun is going down earlier now, and it's making me miss summer nights. we draw a warm bath, and teddy happily splashes, playing with his submarine toy, his duck, and the five trucks that he's managed to convince me need to join him in the bath. while i'm in the middle of a conversation with gideon, teddy manages to fill a plastic bowl with water, and pour it outside of the tub. i gasp, and gideon laughs. he's asleep a little after nine.

9:20 p.m.
gid and i talk about our days, the house, and things about teddy. he makes me want to be better than i am. he gets a snack (cereal), and i get chips and salsa. gid asks me if i'd like him to make a milkshake, and because i love his milkshakes more than i enjoy looking at the scale, i agree enthusiastically. we look at old pictures of our baby on our phones because we're crazy about him, and then we watch an episode of parks and rec. (i only laugh because gid is laughing so hard.)

10:30 p.m.
we snuggle into bed. i stare at the ceiling, and silently pray for a good nights sleep for us all, and maybe for a million dollars.

xo

a quick trip to dc (with a video!)

we tagged along with one of gid's work conferences in dc last week, which reminded me of how much i love traveling, and also how doing so will never be the same with kids. teddy was a champ, and for the most part kept a happy face, but i could tell he missed being home with his familiar things. such a little homebody.

we've both been battling sickness this week, so i'm stepping away from social media to focus on getting us healthy again, but i wanted to share this short video that i made with my phone (chose not to lug the camera around on this trip). sweet memories for us to look back on.

i hope you have a good week, friends.
xo

our stroller

teddy's rainy cloud shirt

teddy's bottoms

teddy's mocs

lately.

before we went to DC, there was a day last week that teddy refused to sleep (zero minutes- he normally takes two naps!), and i ended up being the one who had a meltdown. i didn't realize how important that nap time is for me to recharge. when gid finally got home, i raged about what an incompetent mother i was, and asked why wouldn't teddy sleep when he was so obviously exhausted, and begged him for me to please go to work in his place tomorrow, and please please could he go get some food for us because remember how i'm incompetent?

gid, ever calm and centered somehow managed to settle teddy down, and in what i swear was less than a minute, had him snoring happily- which should've made me coo in adoration, but in reality just pissed me off. after he put teddy in his crib, gid sat down with me, and encouraged me to tell him about the good things that happened that day.

you know what's the worst? having an optimistic sweet husband when all you want is to watch the world burn.

my incision has been bothering me again, and i'm guessing it's because teddy is in this stage where he loves to kick, and trample right on my abdomen. a few nights ago i had a horrible dream that it ripped open, and woke up with my heart pounding, and my scar pulsing. i still can't believe it happened. i can't believe i had a c section. (ps- i had a doctor look at it, and everything looks normal.) 

i started teaching last week at bsu, and am equal parts thrilled and petrified. i want so badly to be excellent, and i felt like i just could've been better. in the middle of prepping some combinations, one of my students wrote me an email thanking me for class and saying that she's so excited, and for a second i remembered how teaching can be so fulfilling instead of just being an anxiety-fest.

i gave up on lost, and a mere week later, like a dog returning to it's vomit- went back to finish it. it was excellent. i loved the way it ended, even though not everything was resolved, and that stupid time travel section drove me crazy.

annnnnnnd now i've watched the first season of stranger things, and i have feelings about that now. like i really want to have telekinesis powers.

the house is coming together slowly, and i'm falling in love with every last inch of it. these bathroom floors are making me so happy tonight.
xo

lately. (and giveaway winner announced!)

teddy's been throwing everything into the trash, and wherever else he can find. it's equal parts annoying and sweet. i found a truck in my pots and pans the other day and almost wanted to take a picture. if someone told me five years ago finding a truck in their pots and pans was cute, i'd have felt sorry for them.

last week after i wrote this post and was feeling hopeless, i turned on some stevie wonder, started making spaghetti and teddy was dancing in the kitchen making bear growls, and gid was hiding around the corner peeking his head out from behind one of my sun hats which was making teddy laugh hysterically, and for a second i felt like a really lucky person instead of a really pathetic person.

golden moments like that make the dark ones seem less devastating.

he's been fighting me more on going to sleep lately. a few nights ago while i rocked him, he cooed, and chuckled, and whispered mama and dada, which exasperated me. it was 10 pm, people. i'd shush him and he'd respond with a giggling growl, and a string of words that i think translated loosely into something about planes, puppies, and wanting a treat. defeated, i let myself laugh, which made him laugh, and he finally closed his eyes, sat up, smiled with his eyes still closed, reached for the his pacifier (eyes still closed), and slumped down on my shoulder in a deep snore. it was one of my favorite moments as a mom. some days are better than others, but even on the crap ones- i love him, i love him, i love him.

and one more thing- the day before i started my new teaching job, i found all of my good bobby pins. if that doesn't prove there's a god, i'm not sure what does.

happy tuesday, friends.
xo

ps- i'm so excited to announce that the winner of the margaux and may swaddle set giveaway is lauren morrison! these giveaways make me so happy. i hope you know that i notice all of you who enter. i wish i could give everyone a prize.

pss- i couldn't help myself, so i'm sending a second winner one swaddle as well. this will go to mary bush. congratulations! keep an eye out for another giveaway coming up soon!

lauren and mary, i'll contact you via instagram, and we'll get you set up with your swaddles!