it's okay to not love this part. or, newborns are hard.

hi. i hope your week is going better than mine.

my week has been unusually gloomy; mostly because of dark clouds that have kept the natural light in our home at an all time low. i'm regretting not having more recessed lighting installed. i didn't realize how solar powered i can be.

that thing they say about mothers (and fathers) forgetting about the difficult parts of early parenthood quickly is so true. i forgot what it feels like to be this exhausted.

not "sleepy", or "tired," or "i just need a quick nap to refresh myself" tired. no, i'm talking about full on new mama exhaustion. "i haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row for over a month" exhaustion. "this is worse than jetlag, because at least with jetlag there isn't a small person literally sucking energy out of me," exhaustion.

i forgot how that newborn scream starts to really get to you after a while. i forgot about leaking breasts, and the disappointment of trying to squeeze into jeans too early, and being afraid that exercising will hurt.

i forgot about how little appetite i have during this time; how hard it is to find the motivation to eat more than crushed ice, (am i alone here? that's all i want.) and how when you do find something that looks good to eat, it gives your baby gas, and then that poor little newborn scream that makes you want to bash your head against the wall starts up again.

i've been trying to teach teddy not to holler at me when he wants something. trying to keep my own voice calm, i'll say, "hey. do we scream at mama?" to which he responds (usually sullenly) "no." today, in the middle of a colicky scream, teddy calmly said to vivienne "hey vivi. do we scream at mama?" 
he's a good boy.

last night i took him to chick-fil-a for a little one on one time (because it's close to our house, we're basic, and that's okay), and he was thrilled to have all of my attention. he smiled and waved at strangers, (way out of his character, since he's such a shy little boy), and at one point he gleefully yelled "we love food!!!!" at the top of his lungs, making several people look over at us and chuckle.

it's true. we do love food.

it was such a fun date, just him and me. but after we'd eaten our chicken, and finished climbing up and down the slides, my chest started feeling full and heavy, and i imagined gideon rocking a crying one month old after a long day of work during the busiest part of the year for him. i sighed, and told teddy we needed to head home. the happy smile left his face for a moment, and then returned when he said, "we need to go see that dada, and that vivi." he bounded off towards the door, still happy and cheerful; more than i could say for myself, because i knew what kind of a night i was in for, and i'm just not in love with all of the parts of the newborn stage.

it's true-- this stage has mostly beautiful parts to it. those tiny little flinchy smiles. the curled up toes. that feeling of a newborn melted onto your chest perfectly. the snores! oh, i love the snores. that feeling when they finally, finally fall asleep after what feels like hours and hours of rocking, and you get to lay your own head down. i love being a mom so much more than i ever could've anticipated.

it's hard though. it's not all perfect, and there are times you want to rip your hair out, or punch a hole in the wall, particularly when you're under slept. and that's okay. (as long as you don't actually punch a hole in the wall, because that gets expensive real quick.) the downs make the ups higher, i think.

when i look back on teddy as a newborn, i don't remember it being perfect. there's one vivid memory i have in particular; gideon finding me in the living room around 4 in the morning, tears streaming from my eyes as i rocked a crying teddy exhaustedly. as gid took one month old teddy into his arms and gently told me to go to bed, i remember whispering in broken sobs "i can't do it." over and over. i meant that i couldn't get teddy to go to sleep, but i think i also meant i couldn't be a good mom. looking back, it seems so desperately pathetic, but that's how it gets sometimes.

i could keep writing about this, but i'm just going to finish with three thoughts:

1. this part is hard. and that's okay.

2. i don't like it all the time. and that's okay too. i can be a good mom without loving every second of motherhood.

3. we love food.

happy wednesday friends.
xo

the first month. or, things that have been different this time around.

as i sit here typing, she's napping on my chest letting out a soft, high pitched snore. i forgot about these tiny baby snores.
i forgot about a lot of those first things.

a month has already passed. i'm not sure how.

around this time when we had teddy, we were moving from salt lake to boise, and the task of adjusting to life with a newborn, paired with recovering from a c section and packing/unpacking our lives was almost more than i could bear. i remember my face being sticky with tears for weeks. it was miserable.

maybe that's why this time around it feels like the days have flown by. adjusting to life with vivienne hasn't been perfect, and i look like a train wreck 100% of the time, but there have been far less hurdles along the way.

she nurses non-stop, you guys. when we took her to the doctor for her one week visit and she was weighed, our nurse looked at me with an surprised expression and said, "wow. have you had any break from breastfeeding?" i tried to smile, but i looked at her with dead eyes and shook my head no. we're starting to set boundaries, but it's hard to say no to a tiny baby, you know?

teddy has exceeded all expectation in his adjustment to her. when she cries, he tells her it's okay. he says goodnight to her at bedtime without being asked. he'll bring me burp cloths and diapers for her happily.

he's also started asking if his toy cars can have "mommy milk" and tries to gently place them in my shirt. like i said, we're working on boundaries over here.

she loves being held, and i let her rest on my lap or on my chest more often than i probably should. it means nothing gets done around the house, but i think that's okay. she's happiest when gid holds her. daddy's girl from the start.

the kids have yet to nap at the same time. one of them always wants to be held. (vivi mostly, obviously.) i used to sing a few songs to teddy during nap time and bedtime, but he's recently started asking me to please leave him alone. man, it stings.

it's cold outside, which means we don't get enough fresh air. i took that for granted with teddy being born in july. we made a point of going for a walk, or getting out of the house much more often than we have this time around. i've never looked more forward to spring.

her hair is still this warm auburn color. i can't believe she's mine.

happy january, friends.
xo